05/28/2003: “”

okay, so i KNOW that these days, on the news stands, it’s all about exposure. about getting your name out there. and i am SO down with that…plus, the publishing “empire” i’m kind of attacking today is actually somewhere i’d love to work (and have been told i should), so it’s not meant in a negative way. or a trash-talking way. on the contrary, it’s a kind of warning, perhaps you folks have stretched yourself too thin kind of way…

and of course i’m talking about MAXIM.

now, before there was MAXIM, there were tons who do what they do. but somehow they stole the t & a crown (not meant to stand for topics and articles, of course) from details and made those folks have to be “real” journalists again (which meant converting to writing articles about straight guys who do gay porn versus articles on how to steal your buddy’s girlfriend, for example)…and all seemed harmonious.

…and then came Stuff.

okay, so in the interim, bob guccioni started his gear magazine, and now we’ve got gene simmons (yes, of kiss) with tongue, and transworld skateboarding (!?!?) throwing together stance (plus many, many, many more…). but this is about MAXIM spreading themselves a bit thin, so let’s get back to the Stuff issue.

MAGAZINES…ISSUES…FUCK i’m funny….but, i digress…

so, Stuff came out, and was supposed to be (from what i had been told) kind of a “Maxim Lite”…more of the “t” and the “a”, but less of the “substance” (did i miss something?); plus just extra stuff that didn’t make the MAXIM cut. all good. i got a subscription to that, too…

then came Blender; the MAXIM “take” on music magazines. this one i really do need to subscribe to, but haven’t yet. good stuff. all music (with the occasional scantily clad christina or shakira for that “touch” o’ MAXIM). so, what are we up to now? three?

…and of course, this was all in addition to the “Best of MAXIM” things they put out, plus the new “MAXIM Goes To The Movies”. now we’re more like four or five PER MONTH. getting a little ridiculous here. but why only have four or five when you can have a six pack (we always have MAXIM por hombres down here; the spanish version of the magazine…and they’ve also got an italian version, a german version, etc, etc, etc). but the latest is a bit much…

MAXIM fashion

um…okay. is this meant to take on GQ or something? no chicks on the cover (this month it’s samuel l. jackson). no “how to bag that stripper” kind of articles…instead “50 new sneaker designs for summer”. wonderful. don’t get me wrong, i can shop like a bitch when need be. but what the hell is this fashion rag shit? what else can we do? how far must we stratify?

1. maxim – in lower case ’cause it’s for midgets (yes…just like the rest of my page)

2. Whip Marks – MAXIM for fetishists

3. MAX-ZEE to da’ M-ZEE – MAXIM for da’ hood

4. Suds – all about beer, and the babes in the commercials

5. MAXIMum RPMs – for those who drive the $92,000 prelude ala 2fast, 2 furious

6. MAXXXIM – yeah, you KNEW with me there would have to be a porn one…

7. MAX – named like a guy, ’cause it’s for guys who like guys…no, wait…the homosexual set already has that MAXIM fashion shit

8. lil’ max & BIG MAX – for the father and son (or NAMBLA members, depending on how sick you think i am…any wagers on that one?)

9. Tunes – all about housewares (hey…if Blender can be a music magazine, why the hell not?)

10. Pathet Tech – kinda like wired and MAXIM combined, geared towards the lonely, desperate, frighteningly horny web folk…like you and me.

Replies: 4 Comments

well, as i mentioned, they already have MAXIM por los hombres for the latino crowd…but i really dig the other two; and i guess we could also have MIXIM for DJs and club kids. or MAXICROMBIE & FITCH, for that crowd.

but we shouldn’t call them “commies”…more like “democratically impaired”. but we’ll chat about the pc thing on fried day…

sean said @ 05/28/2003 11:53 AM CST

Maxim for commies?

g. said @ 05/28/2003 11:18 AM CST

damn, boy, don’t you know nuthin’? ya’ll ain’t “hispanic” anymo’, yew now “latino” [or latina, if the shoe fits]…

must be PC these days.

white trash said @ 05/28/2003 11:16 AM CST

Can we get a Mexim for all the hispanics… Marksim for our comrades… or even Mocksim for that satirist that we all know…

Harold said @ 05/28/2003 09:38 AM CST

easy money. that’s what a guy i used to work with would call days like i’ve had lately. those dull-ass days where things are so slow that you almost have to CREATE tasks for yourself. i know lots of people who NEVER have days like this…

i envy those people.

this kinda shit drives me NUTS. nothing to do. nothing to say. there are warning signs your day is like this…

1. more than once in a day you start a sentence with something to the effect of, “then, when we were in the sixth grade…”

2. you have constructed a paperclip chain that could encircle a 1970 cadillac coupe de ville.

3. you check your email more than five times in a fifteen minute period.

4. when your boss asks you, “do you need something to do?”, you answer, “as a matter of fact, yeah…” but he just shrugs his shoulders at your answer and walks away…

5. you actually answer one of those “foreign” emails that’s begging you to offer exile to some former dictator’s kid’s money.

6. the heated debate over who should have won american idol almost results in a fist fight.

7. the highlight of your day is when you almost electrocute yourself taking a monitor apart.

8. you clean the fridge in the break room “just because”

9. your desk becomes a gangland war zone when the homies from the top of your monitor battle the mijos from the top of the other guy’s monitor.

10. four simple words: rubber band battle royale.

the kind of work day that bill hicks lamented in his routine about work boredom:

your boss comes in and says, ‘why aren’t you working?’ and you respond with, ’cause there’s nothing to do…’ and then HE says, ‘well, why don’t you PRETEND you’re working.’

‘what? i don’t get paid enough to use my imagination…why don’t you fantasize? tell ya what…how ’bout we pretend i’m the boss…now you’re fired…how do you like that?

yep…one of THOSE kinda days. but at least it’s over in five…four…three…two…

Replies: 9 Comments

EZ MONEY! My favorite. I was just at that place and there was NOTHIN going on. I can vouch for Sean on Numbers 1 and 10. The rest seem particularly modern.

toothy said @ 05/28/2003 05:41 PM CST

hey…”big daddy”…editing features are fun on these things, aren’t they?

sean said @ 05/27/2003 04:57 PM CST

WHO needs to get a life?? Gawd DAMN!!

g. said @ 05/27/2003 10:27 AM CST

Cranky Amy needs to get a life
My daughter is a two bit whore.
Why she was soo drunk once she even came on to me!
I stopped here after she blew me first, incest is best.
Anyways, I hope the bitch gets a life and stops complaining about every little thing in the world.
HOLY SHIT, WHAT A CRY BABY BITCH!!!

Cranky Amy’s Big Daddy (with the small cock) said @ 05/27/2003 08:53 AM CST

I don’t get what all the fuss is about with American Idol. I never saw a single episode.

However, I have cleaned that fridge. I wanna know something. Why don’t people clean up after themselves? Do I look like their mother? NO!

Da Goddess said @ 05/27/2003 12:14 AM CST

I didn’t know you worked for my boss, greg. I thought I was the only one… (And, for the record, I’ve been begging him for tasks for three days.)

kathi said @ 05/23/2003 01:05 PM CST

I’d hate having nothing to do, but it’s weird when you nobody tells you what to do; and if you don’t motivate yourself you’ll be humiliated and beaten in public every other week.

greg said @ 05/23/2003 11:02 AM CST

when they found me asleep at the desk, they called 9-1-1, fearing I’d had a heart attack or something….

astrofishy said @ 05/22/2003 08:35 PM CST

So I was telling my boss about today’s astrowhore, and that I would probably be better if I would just go to the bar instead… so he gave me a fifty and ordered me to drink until I felt like stopping…

harold said @ 05/22/2003 06:24 PM CST

so, the i35 challenge is on…and it’s obvious who’s signed a deal with the devil. i’m sorry, but you just don’t hit 49 outta 50 when your season average is only in the eighty percentile. they missed the first, and then it was like, “okay satan…we’ll sign. just don’t let that happen again!!!”. i know wesley snipes said, “the sun’s even gonna shine on a dog’s ass every once and a while”, but that was one seriously sun burnt doggy rump by time the fat lady sung last night…

by the way, i’m talking about basketball…

i like basketball over other professional sports because i can’t realistically play it. same reason i like hockey, but we never had hockey ’round here when i was growing up, plus i can’t skate, so that’s just a total no-go. but i CAN run and jump and hit free throws (though not 49 outta 50), so with the exception of being 5’8″ and built more like a white football player, i could shoot some hoops. in fact, i have. but unlike baseball and particularly football, i didn’t have coaches hounding me all through high school and such to play basketball, so i tend to have a more positive attitude towards it. and with dallas playing san antonio for western supremacy, we are a state divided on either end of i35. so, who’s gonna reign supreme? the lost and enlisted or the cosmopolitan?

allow me to explain that last statement…

see, i have my theories of how the bigger urban areas in texas became bigger urban areas. see, austin is the center of government, so in the 60’s and 70’s all the hippies and protesters and such came here and made it a somewhat bohemian pile o’ folk that has that one odd kid from every small high school in texas all in one centralized location. it has more guitarists and massage therapists and such per capita then anywhere else in the state. they were here BEFORE the dot com invasion, and will be here LOOOOONG after the last lexus suv is sold off to somebody from houston to slap 20’s on.

speaking of h-town, it’s been my observation that houston consists of as many nationalities (and is segmented pretty similar to) l.a.. the difference is, these ethnic folks (and all the caucasians) would rather deal with air so humid you can gargle as you breathe then move to cali and deal with earthquakes and riots and such. it’s our little california, complete with beach areas and malls the size of mid-sized baltic states. it’s all about image. remember folks, the breast implant was invented in HOUSTON, not california. ’cause everything in texas just HAS to be bigger. they used to be the big spurs finals rival, but since all they have going for ’em now is a super-sized china man, they didn’t make the cut.

as for san antonio, i firmly believe the population can be divided into two types of folks. those who got transferred at some point in their military career to taco city and realized they could still wear shorts on xmas eve…then there’s my most recent theory about the masses who got off the expressway and couldn’t figure out how to get back on and just went, “fuck it…i’ll just stay here. maybe they tell residents how to hit the highway”. that’s why i call them the ‘lost and enlisted’. i guess, technically, that ‘and’ should be an ‘or’.

the reason i refer to dallas folks as ‘cosmopolitan’ is because the bulk of metroplex folk (more specifically dallas…ft. worth tends to be pretty laid back) tend to have a very east coast, almost new york attitude. much like you’re not from “NYC”, you’re from “brooklyn”, people won’t say they’re from dallas, but rather ‘mckinney’. or ‘plano’ or whatever chunk of fucking DALLAS they’re from. at my job we refer to everyone by sales region, which means ANYTHING in the 817, 214, 972, or whatever is dallas. this infuriates them. they’ll get over it. but now, back to basketball…

when i saw the lineup for the dallas mavericks (i have to admit, i hadn’t watched one of their games since they changed their colors to something more marketable in the hood and ditched mashburn and kidd) i figured this for a quick sweep…they had WAY too many white boys, and they all looked a bit scruffy. like an mtv rock n’ jock game back when alice in chains was on heavy video rotation. but they hit 49 of 50 free throws (can we say “deal with satan”?) and the grunge brothers sunk the mvp and all who’s jersey matched his. frightening. anyone out there wanna figure how many games we’re looking at? or am i the only nba fan in astrowhoreland?

Replies: 2 Comments

Fuck you Josh. SA in six. I too haven’t watched the Mavs in a coons age, but I saw the last game of their series and knew the Spurs weren’t in for any cakewalk. But when you hit half your free throws (or whatever the Spurs hit) and the other guys hit almost ninety nine percent, you’re gonna lose. Just the way it is.

The German is a motherfucker.

Toothache said @ 05/20/2003 09:37 PM CST

dallas in seven. fuck san antonio.

josh said @ 05/20/2003 04:47 PM CST

so i told the officer, “look man, until some ordinance says i have to get off the phone when i drive, i’m still gonna make calls and there’s nothing you can do about it…” next thing i know i’m being cuffed and stuffed…and i DON’T mean in the back of the car on that last word, unfortunately. but i DID learn (thanks to my phone being on vibrate and the office calling) that what they say about prostate massage feeling good to a guy might have some basis in reality after all…

but seriously…

picture this…you’re a cop in tulsa, on a slow-ass sunday night, when all of a sudden you see a car run a red (i swear it was yellow) light. you start to follow, and the same questionable light timing happens another block down. when you pull up closer to call in some plate numbers before you pull them over, you see there ARE no plates…paper OR metal. no tags or inspection, either…it’s a brand new cadillac deville, running lights, with no plates, tags, what-not, and it’s just down the road from the CADILLAC DEALER.

can we say grand theft auto? tulsa police can…so i had some ‘splaining to do when i got out at my hotel.

you see, i HAD a rental reservation for a “premium” car (maxima…camry…et al) but they hadn’t had proper returns on those, so i could either downgrade to some econo shit box or upgrade (for $7) to a 2003 cadillac deville, in a color that you or i would call ‘light brown’ or ‘beige’, but cadillac folk call “cashmere”. which tonight that sweater looked BOOSTED. a brief license inspection (and slightly longer inspection of my rental agreement) coupled with a lecture on the difference in primary colors and i was on my way. i WAS gonna get my bag out of the trunk while i was talking to the cop, but when i went for the remote i stopped myself ’cause i realized the three corpse sized trunk had three things in it…

1. my backpack
2. a ticket system
3. a lawn jockey

okay, like i said, that last bit about all the racist shit in my work place was predominantly made up. but i HAD been threatening mike t with the idea of me getting a lawn jockey and putting it on my desk and naming it lil’ mike. i’d even scouted some 11″ ones on eBay and shown him. he laughed, and said not to be surprised if it ‘disappeared’ off my desk if i dared. (uh-huh…don’t wanna perpetuate the stereotypes but you wanna steal?) well, i have seen some strange shit confiscated by concert security in my day, but when jerry (head of security for the evanesence show i was sent up to tulsa to work) said, “oh, dude…check this out…”, and handed me an 11″ high lawn jockey that someone tried to take in to throw at the stage, i just about shit myself. all the more humorous when he GAVE IT TO ME after i told him that would complete an office prank.

move over mike t…lil’ mike comes in on a plane tomorrow. hope you still read my page…

after i bailed the show, i needed a bit o’ grub, which is hard to find at 9:30 pm on a sunday in tulsa…so i went to hooter’s. when i got there, it was SLAMMED out busy. i showed up to a full parking lot, and loud cheering from inside. i thought, “the spurs?”, till i remembered i was NOT at home and the games don’t kick in till next week. nope…it was for the pay-per-view wwe wrestling event. and i got the last table outside, no less…where you had speakers on the deck, but had to watch it through the glass.

ya know, sometimes my redneck expectations are let down…but today was NOT one of those days. as i had so eloquently stated to me earlier on the phone, “sean, you have some weird, random shit happen to you, don’t you?”. yep…often. and that’s how this page was born.

Replies: 6 Comments

to the o.r. (original redhead), yes they are still around, and somewhat cheap, and to the o.r. II (other redhead), i believe that would be called a lawn honky, wouldn’t it? i talked about getting one of those made…blonde hair, blue eyes, pastel polo and khakis, holding out a cell phone…but cast iron custom stuff is pretty pricey…

sean said @ 05/20/2003 10:27 AM CST

Better yet, why don’t you keep the black lawn boy and put it on your desk, I’ll tell you where I saw the white one, you can go ‘appropriate’ it, and then you can both have lawn jockeys. Tell him you just,”wanted him to feel at home.”

the other redhead said @ 05/20/2003 08:00 AM CST

What kind of place do you live in that people still have those around? I haven’t seen one in ages! Are they still made or are all of these ‘recycled’?

the redhead said @ 05/20/2003 07:24 AM CST

I walked past one of those in Far North Austin the other day. When I turned to my companion (Sag) to complain, he said, “But look, it’s a white lawn jockey, it’s not racist.” So, Sean, I leave it to you to settle the score: are they considered racist if the lawn jockey is a white guy?

the other redhead said @ 05/19/2003 10:31 PM CST

hmph. they quit showing ppv wwe events at the hooters at 1325 and i-35 because a family complained. a family. complained about sex and violence at the fucking hooters. grrrr….

topenga said @ 05/19/2003 03:48 PM CST

forgive me.. but what’s a lawn jockey?

whitey said @ 05/19/2003 02:58 PM CST

people need to start listening to me. not you people…you people read my stuff. you rock. i meant OTHER people. like at work, for example. today i did something kinda cocky; i went down to sa to fix some outlets that i thought both could have fixed themselves if only they’d listened to what i told our outlet support staff to say. BUT they didn’t, and INSISTED someone had to come out. so this morning, i drove to san antonio…
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the element of surprise has been popular in everything from war plans to birthday parties…but damn it can be fun in conversation. have you ever tried it? just said some off remark mid conversation that makes the other person go on mental lock down for a second or two? that’s where some real fun can start; especially if you’re talking to boring people…
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monday found me back in amarillo. why? well, for three reasons…
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on the road again…why the FUCK am i on the road again? to have my dogs watched, i must impose upon my friends; now why the FUCK am i out on the road again? (sorry for bastardizing your lyrics, willie, but it had to be done…) yes, from the same people who sent me to tulsa and alexandria, la (i have to confess, the florida detour was ALL my own doing) comes the five day, four night, scary-ass truck stop laden run to DENVER. and i’ve only done leg one…
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no, i did not go out to los angeles. i like my people a bit more real than l.a. tends to be (or cali in general, for that matter). and while a big chunk of it WAS in louisiana, i don’t mean that either. (unless you’re from enterprise rent-a-car, in which case i DO mean louisiana, and the sand in the back seat came from galveston). no, i’m talking about a place that has been called by many names…
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being a guy has it’s advantages AND it’s disadvantages…

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