okay, first off, learn from my mistakes. not all of them, which would be too many to list, but the most recent…if you’re tired, and you have no inspiration or motivation to do jack shit, taking advantage of the carved turkey dinner in the deli is a bad move. i’m only half way through, and i can’t believe i’m still awake. is there a corporate nap time policy i should be made aware of? but, i digress…

the reason i’m so tired? post jackass drinking and pool (much more pool than drinking…plus, i got a wild hair and ordered the grilled cheese from buffalo billiards which may be the best grilled cheese ever conceived by man.) i don’t recall losing a game all night, so the billiards portion was a success.

but the jackass portion? not so much…

two of the guys were there…ryan dunn and steve o. i wanted to see steve o so i could see if the all over back tattoo he has in the movie (a portrait of his own face with ‘fuck yeah, i rock’ underneath it). that’s real. but while certain stage shows should NEVER be made into movies or tv shows, so should certain tv shows and movies go the other way. jackass is best viewed from a distance. if for no other reason than the rabid jackass fans.

i don’t mean to talk down about people (that would be a new one for me, wouldn’t it?) but if there was a MENSA meeting in austin last night, the jackass boys coming to town had NO effect on their attendance. i’ve never really watched the show, and when i went to the movie i kinda wondered what i was doing…but by the end of it, i was having a good time. did i start watching the show afterwards? no. hell, i don’t even know when it’s on. i’d caught a bit here or there, but haven’t ever sat down and watched a whole episode, and kinda doubt i ever will. but live it was just BAD.

puking. slicing open your tongue. not much to write home (or here) about. now, steve o setting his head on fire and letting ryan blow a fireball off his head was pretty cool. as was the stage dive race, and the obnoxious jerk in the front row getting pulled on stage and then they asked for a volunteer to come kick him in the nuts. but overall, not a whole lot going on. slow pace to the show, too. normally i would think it was me, and maybe i was getting a bit old or mature or whatever, but i went with two die-hard jackass fans (one of which was josh) and they both said if they had had to PAY to get in, they would have been pissed. so there ya go. i’m not old…i’m just not THAT fucking stupid. at least when it comes to jackass.

so tonight i had to re-stock on puppy food. thanks to copper being in the kennel club during my tulsa excursion, a single twenty-pound sack took care of calum and buffi for a whole week (i remember the week i had a twenty pound sack…damn sa strippers. thank modern medicine for THAT going away…but i digress). as i was walking into heb, i decided to actually TAKE my phone inside…atypical for me, ’cause you usually can’t get a signal worth a crizzap in there…but i was on the phone with josh, so i just said, “fuck it”.

keep in mind, lockhart is pretty small, so walking around talking on my phone, which was in my pocket and not visible, while on my little ear piece, i got looked at like i was insane…since i looked as if i was talking to myself. i do that on a regular basis without a phone, but we’ll skip that discussion for now. meanwhile, a statuesque black woman walked around the store in a very nice suit and a surgical mask. “good evening, doctor…”, i said as i passed her. that drew one evil fucking look.

when i explained to josh why i had said what i said, he replied, “dude, we are kinda heading to war and all soon…” yeah, i know. and i don’t mean to make light of a potentially serious situation (so not my style, right?) but i don’t see how a surgical mask in heb does anything other than make you look REALLY stupid. who are we fighting? the folks from M*A*S*H*? (how many of my caucasian readers are still upset THAT got cancelled?)

i mean, seriously…same school of thought that said we needed duct tape and plastic sheeting. like there’s some serious biological weapon that explodes over texas skies (we are the homeland of dubyah, ya know…we’re a prime target) and the gas begins to spread…until it hits the kryptonite to the superman that is poison gas…paper infused with cotton with an elastic strap. CURSES!!! FOILED AGAIN!!!

riiiight….

ya know where i’ll be tomorrow when the hour hits and it’s shit or get off the pot time? the gym. getting fit to do battle? trying to toughen up for some hand-to-hand? nope…it’s wednesday. i ALWAYS go to the gold’s on ben white on wednesday. thursday, i’ll go to dallas to see linkin park. this weekend i’ll cash my paycheck and get drunk (and pay bills…not spending it all on booze or anything; and the way life’s treated me lately, i NEED some intoxicated time).

i’m not changing shit. if i die, i die.

i have no canned food in the house. no bottled water. no plastic sheeting or gas masks. no duct tape. wait…i AM a guy. of course i have duct tape. but i had that before. if my lack of “preparedness” means i’m one of the first to go, so be it. laugh at me then, like you already laugh at me now. see, the theme stays alive and nothing changes…just the way it should be.

Replies: 7 Comments

Larry the Cable Guy said it best:
a fight breaks out you send the fellows in to whip some ass, every 28 days send in a pack of pissed off women to whip some more ass, and when its all done you send the gay boys in to clean everything up and hang curtains everywhere

Porn Star said @ 03/19/2003 09:47 PM CST

um the rules to the draft have been changed. If there is a draft women, men and college students ARE included.

Poundcake said @ 03/19/2003 07:32 PM CST

Personally, I still think they should draft women. Let me at ’em.

the draft said @ 03/19/2003 06:57 PM CST

ahhhh…wednesday. when the shit hits the fan, i’ll be at gold’s at lincoln village doing the body flow class. what better day to see if all that deep breathing, clear your mind, all worries disappear crap really works.

topenga said @ 03/19/2003 12:39 PM CST

wasn’t the cut-off age for the last time we had a draft 25? mentally, i’m too young to be drafted, chronologically too old.

josh said @ 03/19/2003 11:04 AM CST

but wouldn’t a draft just mean that there’s a window open somewhere? oh wait…you mean that draft. pretty sure i’m in the clear on that one…

sean said @ 03/19/2003 09:23 AM CST

Fuck ya. If it comes it comes there is nothing anyone can do if an actual nuclear/biological attack comes so fuck it be yourself until something that you cant help stops you(draft, it gets 2000degrees hotter in 2 secs, world wide flood) you know big shit.

Poundcake said @ 03/19/2003 02:23 AM CST

so, yeah…i realized i didn’t do my normal sunday six pack entry. but since i’m living on tulsa time for the week, we’ll skip the six pack, and do two four packs…kinda like wine coolers, just not as gay. although i think at this point wine coolers aren’t even touched by gay guys…or girls. who the fuck does drink that swill, anyway?

four reasons it sucks to get drunk in tulsa

1. tulsa bars tend to be full of tulsa people. i guess that kinda makes sense, but a man CAN dream, can’t he?

2. topless establishments in tulsa can’t serve anything OVER 3.2% (i.e. beer). now, not only is this bad for me because i DON’T drink beer, but also because they tend to hire dancers you would only tip IF you drink something more than 3.2%.

3. liquor has a 13.5% tax here. not just at liquor stores, but also at the bars. that’s not pleasant. to stay in tulsa, you need booze.

4. tulsa folk get MORE tulsa-ish when they drink. leave early. trust me…you don’t wanna close down a bar here.

four odd fast food things from the trip so far…

1. wendy’s: “braille menus available.” a sign that was on the wall…but not in braille. how on earth would a blind person know? of course, these ARE the people that put a square burger on a round bun.

2. taco bell: “as of dec 1, we will no longer be accepting checks…”. is this really a problem? if you have to cut a check for your nachos bell grande, perhaps you should analyze where your life went wrong.

3. mcdonald’s: “now you can talk to a real person to order…we’ve pulled our speaker!!!” great…like we need things to get slower in the line. and if i wanted that “personal touch”, i’d go inside…pricks.

4. burger king: “a burger over an open flame…not just a life, a lifestyle…the western whopper.” are they fucking KIDDING? what HEFF has is a lifestyle…it’s just a fucking burger.

Replies: 2 Comments

I knew a girl in Tulsa, and that would make the trip very worthwhile. Braille was not kneaded.

astrofishy said @ 03/11/2003 09:33 AM CST

The only thing that makes less sense than a sign that says “braille menu available” is a braille drive up atm

JAB said @ 03/11/2003 08:24 AM CST

03/09/2003: “?”

i know…i was doing pretty good. writing for y’all on a regular basis…then i disappeared for a weekend. a romantic get away? a vacation? lotto winnings? perish the thought. it can be summed up in a simple song…
[continue reading…]

i think i may need to move…or become more of a hermit. or just live here in lockhart, but not actually associate with the townspeople (current l-town friends excluded from that ban, of course). allow me to explain…

see, it was one of those afternoons. the ones where the new staff we’ve hired DID keep the tech support calls off of me so i could do my job…but the one i did happen to take was one where i had to deal with someone so stupid that it took sixty seconds to explain to her what a SPACE BAR was. that level of stupidity doesn’t need to be allowed around scissors, let alone a computer. i bet the fuck still doesn’t now how to operate all the buttons on their remote control at home. these people don’t just annoy me…they scare me.

so i hit the gym, do my leg stuff, work out some tension, and head home. on the way home, the “sister” and i decide that a pizza might be in order. for the longest time pizza hut RULED this town. mr. gatti’s came and went in the late ’80s, and there was some small place that disappeared almost as fast as it arrived a couple of years ago. but now we’ve got a domino’s (as of six weeks ago) and a little caesar’s. we went with the latter. and surprisingly, i had no crowd to deal with…but only ’cause it wasn’t opening weekend.

odd thing about lockhart…about 11,000 people; and when a new joint opens to eat, they act like they’ve never seen such a thing. when subway opened, that store set a national record for an opening weekend for any subway EVER. and when mcdonald’s opened a year or so later? they were so backed up at the drive through i once went to the one in san marcos (30 miles away round trip) and got my food back to my house quicker than the people who waited in the lockhart line. they even let you PHONE your order in. but back to pizza night…

i call in and ask about the $5.99 carry-out deal i saw in the ad i got in the mail. “huh?”, was the response i got. “you know…the large one topping for $5.99, with crazy bread for $.99 more. i want that…” “what? um…hold on…” and all of a sudden i’m talking to a girl instead of a guy…”can i help you?” “um…yeah. unlike the guy who just handed you the phone, do you speak english and are you NOT high?” “um…what?” shit. fuck. “listen…do you know the $5.99 deal y’all have on the ad?” “sure…large one topping, add crazy bread for $.99” “EXACTLY!!! that with canadian bacon. the name’s sean.” “okay…give us ten minutes.”

perfect.

then i arrive, and it’s just surreal. see, they were training the entire staff, and there they all were…fourteen people all dressed alike, all in various states of work or slack, and me as the only customer. then came the odd moment.

“SEAN!!! got an order for SEAN here….”

he looks at me…”are YOU sean?”

i reply, “are YOU kidding? dude…there are fifteen people in this room. fourteen of them are wearing shirts that have a little gladiator guy on the front. the other is a big bald guy. name the CUSTOMER in this scenario…”

idiot! idiot!

then i went to kathi’s, chilled a bit, watched a big chunk of the wedding singer, and went home. now, on my way home i stopped off to get some milk and a lotto ticket. as i’m walking out the clerk says, “good luck, sir”, which i can only assume is due to the lotto purchase, so i reply, “yeah…if i win i’ll float $100 your way.” his response? “$100?!?!? the jackpot is like $15,000,000.00, and all i get is $100?”

what the FUCK?

who does this person think they are? i only know his name ’cause it’s on a tag…and now i owe him four figures or something? for what? shoving a piece of paper i had to fill out in a machine, giving me the ticket it printed and cut for him, and taking a dollar? is that brain surgery? does he have a tip jar i can fill? i mean, if you won the lottery, would you get a big stack of $100s and just hand them out to people? me neither…but he said, good luck”, and i thought it was a nice response. greedy prick. i told him, “okay…$100, and a good ol’ fashioned ass whooping for being so fucking greedy…”

that shut him up.

maybe i should move. although dumb fucks do give me a WEALTH of material, don’t they?

Replies: 6 Comments

Well, yeah, josh, and the D.A. in Lockhart just declined hiring me personally, so don’t even get me started on that one….

not THAT redhead….. said @ 03/07/2003 06:55 AM CST

stupidity does breed lawyer job security IF they can find a job. i didn’t realize how hard it was for a lawyer to find one.

josh said @ 03/07/2003 12:29 AM CST

LOTTERY TIP:

A helpful hint to jackpot winners … When you win the lottery, DON’T claim the dough until after you have consulted a lawyer specializing in tax/estate planning and set something up. Here’s some juicy reading on it if you care: http://www.professorbeyer.com/Articles/Lottery.htm

Speaking of lawyers, their job security is strong with all the intensely stupid people the world continues to breed.

Teeth, Esq. said @ 03/06/2003 11:55 PM CST

I take it the flocking thing doesn’t also apply to the gym on the town square….at least the locals don’t look it.

not THAT redhead… said @ 03/06/2003 08:19 PM CST

LOL.
Nice to know ‘small town’ (it’s relative..i’m currently in a town of 5000, compared to the 400,000 in the closest metropolitan city) stupidity is universal.

Greg said @ 03/06/2003 12:54 PM CST

thanks… another smile put on my face!

the redhead said @ 03/06/2003 07:47 AM CST

so…friday…yeah, i know i took the weekend off. saturday ended up without the “writing hole” in the middle i thought it would have, and sunday followed suite…ironically, on sunday when i SHOULD have been updating this bitch i was hanging with kramer and josh and a bunch of other web writers when one of them actually criticized me for never updating. but let’s forget that now, and get back to friday…

i don’t know about you, but the hardest i seem to sleep (when not drunk, stoned, or freshly laid) is that time right after i’ve slapped snooze for the last time, finally turned OFF the alarm, and fully plan on getting up…it just doesn’t happen, and i doze back off. then i wake up, that panic sets in, and you race through your pre-commute rituals so you can get your ass on the road quicker and not be as late as you’re gonna be. this is towards the top of my LEAST favorite wake-ups…basically the opposite of morning sex, but not as extreme as, say, the roof collapsing…but CLOSE.

THAT was how friday started. the wake up. the “oh shit, that was some solid-assed sleep…i gotta motor…” bit; the rush through shower, skipping the shaving, and throwing on clothes. on top of that, i had a blackout happen WHILE i was in the shower (as in power outage, not that i passed out or some shit), so i got out and all the clocks were blank. i let the dogs out, throw down some juice and echinacea, and grab my mobile off the charger. it’s 7:40 by the clock on the phone…twenty minutes BEFORE i need to leave my house. i had paniced and rushed because i had actually slept well and my body isn’t used to that shit lately…how’s THAT for sad?

my work day was odd…pre-5:00, a nice casual kinda day. nothing major. basically dull. but AFTER 5:00, it was a whole different world…i had to close out a show, do up all the paperwork, and give it all to yvonne, one of our newer girls to run to san marcos for me…then i had to run to the hockey game to work puck night before the dave chapelle show that josh and i had tickets to…but i forgot i was supposed to run the CASE to the game, and left it stashed behind my desk when i left. so i get all the way to the other side of town (in friday rush hour traffic) to realize that i have to loop BACK and get the shit. it took 30 minutes one way to get there, and now i have thirty-five minutes to make the round trip if we’re gonna open on time.

i did it in thirty-eight minutes, thanks to one of our accountants making the trip up 360 for me. not bad.

not good that i forgot it, but not bad…basically, fumbling the ball is bad; but recovering your own fumble sorta makes up for it. still not a screw up i plan to make again. then it was off to the paramount to catch dave chapelle.

my new buddy trans am dan went to the 7:00 performance. he called me by 8:30 saying it was over, he was out, and wanting to know where to meet us after the 10:00 show. i set the place, and called the time at probably around 11:40, going off when we made it out. but as per usual, the late show ran longer and we didn’t get out till after midnight….well worth it, ’cause that was one funny negro. great way to round out black history month, right? then it was off to mardi gras on sixth street…

austin mardi gras 2k3 can basically be summed up by slightly bastardizing an eddie griffin quote from the movie the new guy…

“the tits you wanna see, you don’t get to see…and the tits you GET to see, you don’t WANT to see…”

kinda like certain college parties i attended…but with a lot more guys. according to the news, the crowd at mardi gras was 80% male. and they were there for the view. from our perch on the maggie mae’s balcony we could watch it all (just like the A.P.D. spotters on the building across the street from us) and whenever a girl even came close to REACHING for her top to flash for beads, WHAM!!!, about twenty guys were practically on top of her. most of the girls would then chicken out…and who could blame them? gang-rape is a spectator’s sport most females would rather avoid. and like i said, most of the ones who DID flash you didn’t want to see…let’s just say i can remember swinging beads from the balcony and offering to throw the lot if certain women would don parkas and hooded sweatshirts rather than go topless…and i still can’t touch dairy products after some of the viewage i got…

but there were a couple of exceptions, and i drunkenly ended up pimping two of them out (loudly) from the balcony and got strands galore thrown up once they gave up the goods (as in flashed the crowd…not “gave up the goods” in THAT sense of the phrase)…then i went to the car, grabbed some late night magnolia dining with josh as we dealt with MORE drunken blondes (unlike the two i pimped out, these were CLEARLY over 21, and had nothing i wanted to give up beads (or anything else) to see…but the one who fell into me on her way to the restroom was the one who was DRIVING, so we gave them a head start before we trekked on home) and then i collapsed exactly twenty-one hours after i had shot out of bed.

saturday highlights include the rabid star-inked bi-girls…and if harold (of sharp things tattoos and body piercing, on the square in san marcos – 109 e. hopkins…512.353.1170) gives me permission to do so, i’ll share the story with you…

the topic tonight is four extra hours in austin.
[continue reading…]

tonight, on pay-per-view…tyson vs. entienne. or something like that. but first, the under card. and some rules on boxing….your sunday six pack:
[continue reading…]

one of the things that used to be a friendly disagreed discussion topic in my family…racism. or what IS and IS NOT racism, i suppose. my family always waits till late in life to have kids. my grandmother was in her late twenties when she had her first kid, and my mom was almost thirty-one when she had me. as a result, there are pretty big generation gaps that make views on things such as race, which has come a long way in the last couple years (although some would argue to the contrary) a little…um….interesting.

take my mom, for example. sweet woman. sweet as the day is long. and, she was an elementary school librarian, so she dealt with ALL the kids. and the faculty. all colors in all places and all were cool in mom’s eyes…she’d judge you by your ignorance and stupidity, not your pigment or your sex…and did so till her dying day.

that being said…

my birthday is juneteenth. which for those NOT in the know (since it’s not a nation-wide thing) (2024 NOTE – it is now!) is a holiday that is celebrated in the african-american community because that’s the day that NEWS of the emancipation proclamation hit this area (no cnn back then, ya know). and the cake on my first birthday? a round layer chocolate cake, with the sides painted with green icing, the top with pink icing, and the top was sprinkled with chocolate chips, so i looked like a giant slab of watermelon. i found out about this when i was a teenager and asked my mom, “why a watermelon”? she said, “ya know…’cause it was juneteenth and all.” “what? ’cause watermelon is a summertime fruit?”, i responded. “no…because of the DAY of the summer…you know…”. so i push…”what? ’cause it’s a BLACK holiday?” “i NEVER said that…it was because it was..you know…juneteenth.” i let it go. she didn’t see how this was racist.

the same “…what do you mean?” attitude was seen when we’d discuss minstrel shows. “it was just harmless entertainment” i was told. when you tried to point out that is was looked at as “entertainment” because of racial stereotypes, and that LYNCHINGS were looked at as “just harmless entertainment” in their own time, you just got blank stares. they said it was “no big deal” and “blown all out of proportion” when clearly it wasn’t…now we can see where it was wrong, figures into the whole “gimme my forty acres and a mule for my four hundred years of oppression” equation and it’s behind us. it’s not done. we have evolved. with nary a donkey or land plot in sight, but never mind that now.

2024 NOTE – i was told my whole life about this ‘400 years of oppression’ only to find out the first boats landed in 1619, so it was technically only a few years ago we hit the ‘400 years’ mark…way to round up!

UNLESS, you are a ka on the ut campus. then, it’s not racism…it’s “tradition”. and that’s different…or so they claim.

see, the ka fraternity is the fraternity that still flies the confederate flag…and not for all the right reasons (like being a fan of the car off the dukes of hazard, for example). no, they adhere to much of it’s history, and in fact, consider robert edward lee to be their “spiritual founder”. was general lee ever a ka? nope. and they know this. he’s just their supreme role model. or, as THEY put it (had i mentioned i have my own copy of the varlet, the ka pledge handbook? just checking) “his ethics are the focus of our service and his ideals are in our blood”. his ethics and ideals? they must mean his constant drive to succeed, his will to win, his courage and honor in defeat and his ability to move many men to follow him and his morals…

kinda like how he led so many to their deaths to defend a white boy’s right to look down on a brotha and own him as property as he so chose.

wait…that whole “pro-slavery” thang of lee isn’t MENTIONED in here. just how we need to BE like him…and apparently that does include lee’s “unmentionable” qualities.

see, the ka’s of ut were suspended about ten days ago when pictures surfaced from their “gin and juice” party. this was a party where the members…who are predominantly the sons of doctors, lawyers, congressmen, and other people of influence, were dressed in black face with cartoonish chains around their neck and afro wigs in gest of what they consider your “typical nigga”. and this was only one of MANY ka parties and theme nights and such around the country that has come under fire in recent times. the article in the paper mentioned at least half a dozen more in the last couple of years where these issues have arisen…and i remember there kind of being that “tone” amongst the ka’s when i was at swt…and that was nearly ten years ago.

living your life as a “southern gentlemen” is all good. i try to abide by some of the principles myself…believe it or not. but some of the “traditions” need to be let go. or, to echo another lee quote from the ka bible, “let the past be but the past”. traditions are good…but knowing when to let go of them and move on is called evolution. maybe one day darwin will stand side by side in the fraternal hierarchy here…but in the tradition of one of MY spiritual leaders of late, daniel ocean, i know where the smart money lies in this bet. and for once it’s NOT on the house…at least not in a good way.

Replies: 1 Comment

The ironic thang is that most of these fools who dream of reclaiming a fictional and idealized old south that never existed come from the freakin suburbs. Its not like these guys come from ruined plantations in East TX or something.

Toothache said @ 02/22/2003 07:58 PM CST

02/18/2002: “”

so, my laugh out loud moment today (no matter HOW bad me life is, i always try and have one a day) came at stubb’s bar-b-que in one of there back offices. it’s an office that if a show was going on, you would walk out into a sea of 2,200 screaming concert goers, mere inches from your desk. over the door that would take you into this insanity was a bumper sticker as a reminder of what you were about to do to yourself…

“BEWARE OF THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN VERY LARGE GROUPS”

too funny. reminded me of a sticker that used to be over an entrance to emo’s, a club on 6th and red river that had catered to everyone from johnny cash to white zombie to beck. and WAY too many indie, new-school, post-grunge “punk” bands. there sticker said:

“PUNKS NOT DEAD…IT’S JUST STUPID”

words to live by. got me thinking, though…do OTHER offices have this? when you walk out of the break room of the main IRS office on ben white, is there a sticker over the door that says:

“DO YOU WANT SOME LUBE WITH THAT?”

or if you walk out of the dressing room of any “gentleman’s club”, is there a sign that the girls see that says:

“DON’T FORGET….YOU REALLY LIKE HIM….UNTIL HIS WALLET’S EMPTY”

or if you work at a sewage plant…

“SAME SHIT, DIFFERENT DAY”

so, at YOUR job, what should the sticker say? or is there already one? if so, what is it? mail me and let me know if you actually have one, or can come up with a good one…maybe we can get a book deal for me outta this…