no, this is not about recycling weed…

…so i apologize to those who were mislead by the title.

i know i covered this before, but to be honest i’ve had too shitty a day (and evening) to google myself extensively and find the older one – so here we go again.

i saw something i never thought i’d see on sunday: a simpsons episode with a “viewer discretion is advised” warning at the beginning. because they showed yellow nudity? nope. drugs? nope. swift and blinding violence? nope.

okay, so all of those were probably in there somewhere…but they ALWAYS are – it’s what’s kept the simpsons going for lo these many years. and they never had to show a warning before it. no, this episode went after something far from violent, pornographic, or hallucinogenic. it went after marriage.

actually, it didn’t go after it. it supported it. embraced it, even. the issue? it was GAY marriage…

is this honestly that big a deal?

i know quite a few gay people that are “married”, just not in the legal sense. and why they can’t be, i just don’t get.

“because it’s against god’s way…”

okay, i might can give you that. while the bible was written by MAN, not some divinity with a futuristic stone tablet pc, and was therefore written in the best interest of the men who wrote it, if they were weirded out (as most men still are, and even more so back then) by the aspect of man on man relations (although i have to wonder if women on women relations, provided at least one of the two parties is pretty hot, got them going the way it does most guys today) that would be forbidden…and seeing as how there is no “hot lesbo action” exception clause in revelations or whatever i guess they decided to make it all wrong in the interest of not making god look like he has the morals of a frat boy at a strip club…

…or me and my friends at any given point in time. but, i digress…

so, all same sex stuff, including the hot girl-on-girl action is forbidden by god.

(never mind the “how can something so beautiful be so wrong” discussion with the latter part of that phrase)

i can grant you that. having never heard god’s actual voice tell me one way or the other (i might be crazy but i have yet to attain that level of disillusionment) i guess i have no choice but to take a mulligan on that one.

so, once again, turn to the simpsons.

reverend lovejoy felt the same way…and as a parade of homosexuals, marching two by two like noah’s menagerie, marched up the front walk of the church, he boarded up the doors like kramer’s place when the bass are biting (or ME’s place when there’s a half-off steve madden sale, or whatever helps you visualize this).

so, i guess the official church stance would be that same sex love is wrong unless it takes place between a minor and someone who frowns upon gay marriage…but perhaps that’s just the catholics.

regardless…

so, don’t let gay people get married in your church. or any church. unless there is some gay church out there (which i’m sure there is, and don’t use my comments section to recruit…nothing against y’all, i’d say the same to ANY religious organization). but you know what?

we have a separation of church and state…

…or so the theory goes.

so, since there is no LEGAL reason i can think of why it can’t happen, why not allow adam to be with eve OR steve, depending on his preference? or AMY to be with eve? i mean, we have constitutional amendments guaranteeing that a woman can vote like a guy, work the same jobs for the same pay as a guy, and go to war like a guy (kinda). why can’t she take on the joys (and not-so-joys) of having a wife like a guy?

and if a guy can go give his life for his country, and arrive here generations before with nothing but the lint in his pockets and build billion dollar empires, why can’t he have a husband instead of a wife if he so chooses? show me the legal reason, and i’ll back your cause – provided the law isn’t based strictly on some mythological jerry garcia look-a-like in the clouds saying it just can’t be. society is more than ten years old…the “because i said so” (or god says so, as the case may be) just doesn’t fly anymore.

so, all that being said, and eliminating the all mighty (which ever one you so choose) from the equation, what basis is there? the way i look at it, i watch the election coverage EVERY year – and you know what? if god or buddah or ganesh or whoever had shown up at the polling place of their choice, CNN would have been SO on it.

but they didn’t. the deity’s didn’t vote. and if they don’t vote, they don’t have the right to complain, right? i mean, if they didn’t elect you, you don’t have to worry about a dip in the polls courtesy of buddah getting ticked because suddenly every other house makeover we see on hgtv belongs to “travis and his husband” instead of “travis and his PARTNER”, where’s the harm? if they ain’t a firm (law, cpa, what have you) they ain’t partners. they’re husband and wife. or wife and wife. or husband and husband. or whatever their CHOICE may be.

and isn’t america all about personal CHOICE?

so, what’s left?

only one thing i’ve been able to uncover…

“homosexuality is a disease that can be cured”

which implies that if a guy and a guy DO get married, and then one of them actually pops a straight-a-cillin when he was reaching for his echinacea and is suddenly personally offended that pamela anderson lee decided to pull her implants, and he agonizes over it while hunting, or whatever we straight guys are supposed to think about and do, that all of a sudden he’s locked down in a marriage where he’s not happy, and therefore gay divorce would become rampant. so, by keeping it illegal, we’re saving them the legal difficulties later on – because when the gay folk of america wise up and take the hetero highway, our courts won’t be clogged.

…and if you honestly believe that? you really, truly believe that homosexuality is a disease? i have a cure for YOU. it involves a gun, a single bullet, and your temple. and god help us all if you’ve started breeding before you give yourself a glockotomy.

but on the upside, we can educate your offspring before it’s too late.

see if all you opponents of homo happiness can do the same thing. educate yourselves. it’s never too late. old dogs CAN learn new tricks, no matter how pig headed they might be. gays deserve to be just as happy (or as miserable, as the case may be – not everyone can be me and be so lucky as to marry the notorious h.l.g.) as the rest of us. keep all men and women equal – it’s what this country is all about, right?

for a brief moment, i felt i had become what i had made fun of oh so long ago…

there i was, in the parking lot of lockhart high school, kissing my girlfriend good bye before she went in and i drove off back to the house.

you what i like about high school girls? every year i keep getting older, but they all stay the same age…

**shudder**

for those unfamiliar with indy cinema that was a line (or paraphrase thereof) from “dazed and confused” and was NOT what was actually going on. what was ACTUALLY going on was that alex, the notorious h.l.g., has started substitute teaching, and because we share my car right now i had to run her to work before heading off to work myself.

but that was still a little too close for comfort to all-too-familiar territory.

when i was in high school seeing a guy that was WAY too old to be hanging around the high school dropping off some hot latin thang before burning off in a cloud of smoke and dust with “pour some sugar on me” blaring out of the t-tops of his iroc z for a day of beer drinking and cope dipping with his other loser unemployed white trash friends before heading back up to campus to pick up the jail-bait brains of his peer group.

(see, for those who HAVE seen the movie about high school in texas it’s not too far removed from the truth)

i mean, sure, there were a few crucial differences

1. alex isn’t pregnant
2. alex has not only a diploma, but a bachelors, and was there to teach
3. no iroc, no def lep, no unemployment – and no lockhart hair

have i ever talked about the lockhart hair? for some reason, THE style of hair to have if you were in athletics or whatever made you one of the popular kids when i was in high school was basically what could today be described as a mullet, but with an interesting twist.

you see, in my day at lhs (lockart high school) your hair couldn’t be past your shirt collar. so all the guys had it short and brushed down (or spiked up) on the top, super short on the sides and part of the back, and then permed into these tight curls on the back so they didn’t drop too low.

if you can’t picture it i’ll try and upload some yearbook photos. of OTHER people, that is. i didn’t do the lockhart hair thing. and i should probably blur faces lest someone find out and sue.

but yeah, for a brief instance i felt like one of THOSE guys from back in the lhs days that i used to make fun of…but i guess the little differences make all the difference this time, huh?

okay, NO names mentioned…
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i can’t recall (no pun intended) if i voted in the last national election, but i think i did…
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it’s been so long…there’s been so much…where to begin?

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the last week or so has been…um…interesting.
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allow me to prove i’m cultured by summing up my weekend in a haiku…

chainsaws are not toys
facial hornet stings suck ass
but i will survive