my boss is having to lose some of his ghetto fabulousness…

…and he ain’t happy about it.

my boss’ daily drive is a lincoln navigator suv. not the little aviator, like i kinda wanted for a while, but the big dawg. rolling on twenty-four inch rims, no less. ghetto fucking fab-u-lous.

but not for too much longer.

you get a big truck on big rims it takes big-time gas to move that fucker around. and at $3.00 a gallon minimum these days, he’s not happy about what he’s shelling out to shell…or exxon…or whoever.

i remember telling alex back when we were together that i was NOT going to pay two bucks for gas. wasn’t gonna happen. fuck all that noise. there was no way, no day, no how i was gonna do it – i would just quit my job and find something local that might pay a bit less, but at least i wouldn’t be a slave to that crap. she lived with me for just under three years, moving in here late 2k4 – and i believe we had that discussion shortly after she had started working in late summer of 2k5. so that wasn’t even two years ago.

of course now, we would KILL for two bucks a gallon. lines would wrap around the block for that shit. hell, you can barely find it for under THREE bucks a gallon – hence my boss having to unload the ghetto fab truck and all.

these are hard times with our country, and we are at war in the area where most of the oil comes from, and there are armies, and dictators, and bullshit, oh my!

(bullshit is the main element, though)

earlier this week exxon announced it had done what was thought to be impossible – they actually had bigger profits than they had the year before. why was odd? because last year exxon/mobil had the highest profits of any corporation in the fucking history of corporations.

read that again.

they did not have the highest profits in the history of exxon/mobil. they did not have the highest profits in the history of the oil industry. they had the highest profits, of any corporation, in the history of corporations WORLD FUCKING WIDE. no corporation (not microsoft, or dell, or time warner, or…), ever, in the history of the planet, has had profits this high EVER. that was last year – but this year, the record got broken AGAIN – by them, AGAIN.

but they want us to believe that the higher prices we’re paying at the pump are due to the war. and shortages. and issues. if that was the case, profits would be down as they tried to keep prices where consumers would still buy, so they take a bit of a margin hickey so america can keep on trucking…

…even if they’re trucking on dubs.

but that’s not the case – we are paying RECORD highs at the pump, and they are showing record profits. you have to get work SOMEHOW, right? and on the upcoming holiday weekend, you’re hitting the road to somewhere, ain’t ya? all that gas…you’ll pay whatever they charge.

we are getting fucked. plain and fucking simple.

i meant to chat about this a while back…
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ya know, i had heard the rumors but never seen it in action…

…until last friday.

that was the day, you may recall, i had gas problems (not in a gross way) and so already going in late to work i figured turning around and taking my traditional friday eleven o’clock wing stop run with the boys would be in bad form, and i was craving crappier food than wings…and that would be mcdonald’s…

…hey, at least my crapola craving didn’t sink to that taco bell level, right?

so i walk into mcdonald’s and order my usual – two double cheeseburgers.

(this is my usual due to it being great road trip food – minimal condiments and vegetation and price made it a great to nosh on while driving all over hell’s half acre for star back in the day…the only exception is while in new mexico where i order the green chili version…)

but i was told, “no”. it was not burger time at mcdonald’s.

i thought it was ALWAYS burger time at mcdonald’s – that’s kinda what they do and shit.

no, burger time starts at 10:30 am – SHARP. extra emphasis on the SHARP.

imagine my surprise when i looked at the clock – it was 10:27 am.

you have to be messing with me, i said, in a more “outside” then “inside” kind of tone (i would like to note the word “messing” was substituted for the word “fucking” due to the manager on duty’s uncanny resemblance to my late first grade teacher.) how long till they’re ready?

“we can start making them in three…*looks at clock*…make that TWO minutes. that’s when breakfast is over…” she said, as if i was arguing with a known fact of nature, along the lines of “rain is wet” or some such shit.

sure enough, two minutes later she rang me up and got on the mic “two double cheeseburgers to go” – she actually watched the clock change on the register before doing this. something tells me this is one of those “disciplinary action up to and including termination” kind of offenses in their version of corporate america.

i’d heard about the perils of trying to get an egg mcmuffin at 10:35 in the morning before, but never thought i would live through the opposite at 10:27 wanting a burger.

live and learn.

mcdonald’s, if you’re reading this, that is just fucking retarded. sometimes, only sometimes, a burger is a damn fine thing before 10:30 am. likewise, sometimes a sausage biscuit really hits the spot come around 2:00 in the afternoon. other “restaurants”, put in quotes as we are talking about fast food here, serve the full menu ALL the time,(jack-in-the-box, for example, and they’re all open 24/7) – why can’t you?

yesterday was a bit pricey…
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i talked to my buddy amanda earlier today…
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unlike my last bit, i think i have a legit corporate america gripe…

…’cause sunday found me at my fucking OFFICE for a couple of hours.

today was a “deceptive” day when it came to the weather – it looked gorgeous…not a cloud in the sky…and keep in mind that LAST week we were in the eighties. today? barely fifty, with a wind…but at least it LOOKED pretty, right?

most people who know me know i tend to be a wee bit animated when i speak. i pace. i gesture. it’s what brings my voice “to life” in my eyes, and it’s what helps make me a successful salesperson over the phone, provided i am allowed to pace and gesture (and have loud music going), which fortunately they cover me on two outta three at my inc.com gig by setting my desk up so i can pace and type with a desk height of exactly thirty-one inches…

…and i only know this ’cause they had a nurse come in and measure what the appropriate desk height would be for me to do all this at once.

the problem comes when you move desks – typically you get a weeks notice, and you have to submit for them to re-measure you unless you happen to have saved the email from way back when when they did it the first time. i, oddly enough, still have the email.

but i also, oddly enough, was just offered my new gig three hours before i left on thursday AND took friday off, which means i would have to submit my “facilities request” on monday and they would move me (best case scenario) THIS thursday, but most likely next thursday.

at this point i would like to interject a little history lesson…

when i worked at star tickets doing concerts my day gig was in the office, and part of that was making sure that everybody’s computer worked. if they had asked me on monday to fix something and i had said, “i’ll get to it by thursday” (let alone by next thursday) i would have been shit-canned pretty quick. but that’s small company america, versus corporate america. in the latter, they just shrug their shoulders and say, “these things take time”.

see, i didn’t have the wrong JOB, i just had it in the wrong PLACE. yes, that’s my excuse…

now in this case you’re thinking, “but you can STILL work, you just have to sit down…”. good theory – except that the same nurse will also make sure that you have your desk at JUST the right height to be comfortable while seated if you asked her to. the girl i’m taking over for asked – and got it.

she was also five foot nothing. AWESOME girlfriend height for me – but not so much if i have to sit and the chica’s desk. i couldn’t even sit with my legs under the thing…it squished my knees. and so it would be, until this thursday…or next thursday…

…or today, when i thought about it and realized i had watched them take apart a desk and set the height a time or two. takes one guy with decent upper body strength, and a cordless drill with a screwdriver bit.

i can cover that.

so up to the office i went, drill stashed in my backpack, and when i start my new job tomorrow my desk is set up perfectly for me from the word “go”. no paperwork is needed, and if any has been submitted, one of the guys i work out with works in that department so i’ll make sure it “disappears” before anyone notices or complains.

sometimes the redneck way IS the right way, dang it! pass me the bourbon!

i did see a card i thought summed up today nicely…

…it was in the section marked “anti-valentines day cards”.

it showed a little kid, probably around ten, in a 1977-era photo, holding out a big home made valentine. below the pic it said, “the next day little timmy got his heart broken” – and on the inside in child-like print it said “valentine’s day sucks!”.

amen.

i’m not even SINGLE and i feel that way. i’ve had a couple of my female friends ask me what they should get their guy. i told them all the same thing, but none of them listened:

nothing…it really doesn’t matter. this isn’t our holiday…this is y’all’s holiday.

for us, you don’t need to get anything. romantic gift for a guy? doesn’t really exist – and it’s kinda uncomfortable for most to receive. just enjoy a nice dinner, have sex with us, and let us crash out in peace – and all is well. no purchase required.

we had it ruined for us, as i said previously, by a pretty girl somewhere along the line.

note that i use the word “girl” instead of the word “woman”. it’s cause i’m referring to a minor here, folks.

(at this point i would like to add that neither i nor the sponsors of astrowhore.org condone, endorse, or recommend any sort of romantic or sexual relation ship with anyone under the age of eighteen; unless, of course, you’re under eighteen…or she’s really hot and has a convincing fake i.d.)

no, i’m talking about leftover childhood trauma. that’s what got the guys mumbling and panicky in the bit i did yesterday. see, somewhere back when they were a kid, they got a girl they had a crush on a card, and decorated it up, and tried not to be TOO sissy, but still express some ten-year-old equivalent of romantic interest, and things did not go well…

“the next day little timmy got his heart broken – valentine’s day sucks!”.

so now the same guy has to go out and go through it all again, and the panic sets in. he’s ten all over again. at least, that’s my theory…and i’m sticking to it.

we get two entries today due to buzzed out text messages…
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today is what i call “gift card day”…
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i left something on the dangle here…

…as in what happened the rest of wednesday.

so, the plumber shows up, and i give him the ME approved version of what’s up…

(i.e. the short version)

thursday night had water leaking out, ran drano and all was well for a day or so, then it came back, so i did more drano and a drain snake, then all was well until last night, so i repeated and today (wednesday) came the great flood…

in a way i feel like having the plumber over was a waste of money. thinking he might need access to the back end of the shower fixtures, i realized that the wall right behind them was the closet in my “stacked with stuff” guest room. thirty minutes later i had the closet open and emptied, and discovered that the wall had already been cut open (i assume by other plumbers past) and then taped back in place with duct tape. i should have looked, but waited for pipe boy to arrive.

the first thing he asked was if we had access to the back end, and when i showed him, he had me pull off the tape and pull out the chunk of wall…and that’s where the source of that mornings tsunami became apparent – you saw the elbow joint of the tub drain, and the t coming out of the slab, and connecting them was four inches of DEAD FUCKING AIR and nothing more…but a four inch chunk of pipe lay off to the side.

“well, that’ll be simple”, i commented.

“not really, bro…this is an expensive job”, pipe boy replied, “like around six HUNDRED dollars or so…”

“SIX HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS?!?!?’, was my response, in a not so “indoor voice” – “for FOUR FUCKING INCHES?!?!? dude, this is plumbing, not penile enlargement surgery!!!”

(not that i need such a thing, i’d like to add)

“well, that MIGHT be the source of the leak…but it might be further down. what we have to do is chisel up your slab, and then crack this iron pipe off the main in the slab, which given the age of your house is probably lead…so that will take some doing. then we re-run the pipe from the main up, reset this t-joint, and re-connect to the tub there. that four inch chunk probably separated due to the house settling, but might not be the actual cause of your water leak…”, pipe boy rambled off.

“ya know, we’re not in vegas or anything…”, i quickly replied, “and while there is a chance that the source of the water i had to mop up this morning COULD be further down in the slab, or along the main, or an underground spring guarded by leprechauns, or whatever, i think the smart money is it came from the water’s inability to JUMP from the drain on the shower to the pipe from the slab…water doesn’t JUMP well unless there’s some pressure on it, which a drain wouldn’t have…so i think it’s safe to bet the farm on THIS being the source of the leak. i tell you what…how ’bout i pay you $100, you slap a pipe to connect those two, and if the leak persists i’ll call y’all back and we can explore the $600 option…deal?”

“no can do, dude”, he responded, “we’ve got to go the full way on this”.

“then you can go”, i said, and paid the $35.

and from there the day got longer than this entry…so i’ll finish this up tomorrow.

2020 UPDATE: since i have no idea if i have the wrap up, i connected the two myself, which couldn’t be done with straight pipe (not that even) or accordion pipe (not that varied) so i used car radiator hose (no bullshit) because it was flexible enough to do the job and i know damn well the shower never gets hotter than engine coolant. up to code? no. workable? yes. and the problem was solved…for twelve dollars. fourteen years later it’s still good, i might add. fuck that $600 bullshit.