okay, so i thought commercialism had hit it’s high point. or low point, if you wanna view it that way. i got this vibe a few years ago, when i was at a place with bad food but cute staff (hooter’s), and the 32oz coke decided it was time for it to go. i went to help it out (so to speak), and looked in front of me to see an ad…and if that wasn’t bad enough, the agency who set these up right over the urinals had the slogan “bringing your message to a captive audience”. wonderful…

about a year ago, the heb near my place started handing you stuff with your receipt. like it wasn’t bad enough that the BACK of the receipts were solid ads, now you’d get this second piece of paper. occasionally, it’s a coupon. or a voucher for gas. but more often than not, it’s an ad. they just hand it to you, ’cause they KNOW you’ll look at it. and as long as you look at it, they’re halfway home.

but now they’ve gone TOO far. they’ve invaded something sacred. something they ought not touch. they have boldly gone where only ancient wisdom had gone before.

fortunes. yep, fortunes. those little pieces of wisdom that end a good (or bad) chinese meal. believe in ’em or not, they’re kinda like horoscopes – when they say what we wanna hear, we take ’em at their word. but when they DON’T, we say we don’t believe. but this offered no wisdom; it just said:

“Promote literacy. Buy a box of fortune cookies today.”

WHAT?!?!? what riddle does THAT solve? should i be happy with my job? make some investments? what about my love life? it’ll all be better, just buy more cookies. and you KNOW the last one in the box will just say the same thing, so that they get the repeat business. i quote the godfather, “every time i try to get out, the keep pulling me back in”. i took the advice, to a degree. i bought a box of cookies. two boxes, actually. GIRL SCOUT cookies. and then gave one of them away to someone i thought could use some cheering up. now that’s good eating. and the money goes to a good cause. plus, now i just don’t feel right going to my favorite chinese place in san marcos. when i needed their words of wisdom, where were they? think maybe i’m taking this too personally? me either….:)

okay, so i PROMISED myself i wouldn’t do this. i did. really. swore i would NOT go off on drivers and car stuff twice in a row. “break it up,” i said….”give them some variety”. but i figure at this point, my hit count can probably be measured by a sea world employee who hand-feeds sharks on an amateur basis, so what have i got to lose?
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02/05/2002: “”

ah, rain. waterer of lawns. filler of rivers. ruiner of suede shoes. (at this point, after that last statement, i would like to add that YES, i am straight. and can provide references…
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i’ve always been kind of a “do-it-yourselfer”…

two things have bred that in me over the years. the main one, is poverty. the second is the male ego that makes me think that i can do just about anything i want if i set my stubborn-assed mind to it. such is the situation with my home. i’m mid-remodel, and every time i think i can work on it, something happens. it rains. i find something better to do with someone i really wanna spend time with (i TOLD you you’d get mentioned here). or like today; no plans, no rain, day off. kinda chilly, but not TOO chilly. rolled out of bed at the crack of 9:00, got all ready to work, and saw that i had a message. figuring it was a “good morning” call from the aforementioned not-so-mentioned someone, i checked it, saying, “hi honey” as i hit the button to play the message.

turns out i referred to my BOSS as “honey” this morning (NOT to his face, thank christ), since he was the one who called before the crack of 9:00.

now i’m stuck at work for 10 hours on a gorgeous saturday that i’d rather be ANYWHERE else. three words will help improve my day, and it starts in mere moments….i have to go set up for the cowboy mouth show at la zona rosa, and the trip to the venue is gonna include a stop by twins liquor store. then it’s back to the office for me, and there’s NOBODY here but me. to show how my “day off” has been, i’ve had to field almost a dozen calls just in the time it took me to type this entry (16 by the time i proof read), and this is a SLOW time compared to earlier. i’ve dealt with over 150 whining people today, and the sun’s not even down yet, but soon all will be well, and at 9:00 i’m off to meet kramer “the man” wetzel and a few others to catch janine garofalo at the paramount in the opera box that i had set aside for us.

oh yeah….and the three words that’ll make the night complete in the next hour? make it all better; and make the sting of tech support calls lessen? crown fucking royal…and lots of it…

a brief note – at first i wrote comedic bits for kramer’s site, astrofish.net, but he bought the astrowhore.org url on some fire sale in the uk and then gave it to me. i THINK he tried to kick start me doing the site by re-publishing this bit i did for his site, or maybe there were too many ass and hooker references for his taste so he never ran it on his site? the reason i think i wrote this instead of him is it’s more my style, and i can’t picture him being so tasteless as to write number nine, and i actually knew a girl who fits number seven (i never had to pay, i’ll quickly add), and number one just wreaks of me since i was all about the small town redneck stereotypes back then, so i’m 99.9% sure this is technically the first astrowhore bit, although it wasn’t actually written to be on here…
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