if you like to snack on spinach squares and lemon cactus soda, you should have been with me sunday afternoon. of course, if you prefer to snack on an oreo that had just been used to scrape chocolate sauce and whipped cream off a set of 38DDs that have appeared in hustler magazine on more than one occasion, you should have been with me sunday night. what can i say? i DID remember the sabbath, but i turned it into an astrowhore day instead of keeping it holy. i am SO going to hell for that one, huh? (like that’s new news) and only one week before easter!!!
[continue reading…]

03/24/2002: “”

here’s what i don’t understand. if you go into any reputable tattoo studio at 2:30 am and they can see by the look in your eye that you’ve been drinking, they WON’T do anything with you. your money is NO good there. so why is it that a reputable (if there is such a thing) porno shop can’t have the same policy? you end up waking up to some funky stuff in your vcr. but i’m getting WAY ahead of myself here, so let’s move on and get back to this later…

the day at a glance….outta bed and couch meat by 10:00…meat delivered to couch (fried chicken..but it WAS delivered) around noon, then off to san marcos, then the office, la zona, and the hockey stadium (if any of this sounds abundantly fun, keep in mind i WAS working); post-game, and junior and i were supposed to go eat. then josh joined in. then iris. all of a sudden we’re a gang of four on a quest for chinese…we arrive at 9:57, which i don’t sweat because i called and they said the place closed at 10:30…which is TECHNICALLY true. but they list their buffet hours as being done at 10:00, so rolling in iris-free at 9:57, with her joining in about ten minutes later, and all of a sudden my “WHT STN” licence plates are fitting once again in the eyes of the asian staff and latino cooks of the place. good to keep a theme alive, i suppose.

“are you finished?”
“need your check now?”
“we’re about to break down the buffet, so if you want anything more, like DESSERT or something, you’ll wanna grab it NOW”
“are you finished?”
“need your check now?”
“can i get your plate?”
“are you all paying together or separate?”
“are you finished?”
“need your check now?”

this was the extent of what we heard, echoing the first two lines over and over and over again. hint taken, margaret cho…we’re outta here.

(yes, i know maragret cho is korean…it was a joke…just not a very good one)

then it was off to slick willie’s for pool and booze. things felt a bit odd though, since only josh and i participated 100% in this plan….junior doesn’t drink, and iris doesn’t play pool. chose the joint ’cause at jim’s bachelor party we saw our buddy rich for the first time in years and he told us he managed the place. i go, but he’s not there…he switched locations. then i realize that jim and katy just celebrated their one year anniversary, and now i realize i need to keep better track of my friends. so after an hour of the LONGEST games of eight ball EVER, the group splinters and i end up down on sixth street, which can be summed up this way….

the crown and cokes are better at slick willie’s than they are at touche’s but nothing compared to the ones at casino el camino. and this sums up the 12:00-2:00am slot of my night. which brings us back to the beginning line of this little entry. and if porn references get any of you guys (or girls) all revved up for some hot, naked action with my friend kimberly, the porno-slut in training, understand that only ONE of the readers of this page gets to experience it, because it turns out she’s NOT single (oops), and her boyfriend is a loyal astrowhore reader (too loyal, actually…he actually TRIED the raspberry frappuccino…but anyone who finds me entertaining enough to stop by here often is okay by me) so he’ll be the only one who gets to have hot kimberly thoughts when i bring up porn from now on. but now for what’s REALLY scary…

i actually saw it. i couldn’t believe it, but it exists.

midget clown anal porn tapes – “lil’ bozo’s big top booty romp”

unbefuckinleivable.

the shit i buy when i’ve been drinkin’.

here’s what’s scary…that’s the one on the entertainment center. but the receipt clearly states that i took advantage of the “2 for $14.99” special. (did you honestly expect that to be an expensive title??) the other one is still in the vcr. i am WAY too mortified to push play at this point. i think i’m just gonna pawn the vcr with the tape in it and never look back, ’cause i can’t find the case. and this, my faithful readers, is why they need to check your BAC (blood alcohol content) at the door of any adult video store. although i guess if they did, this shit wouldn’t sell…why do i have a feeling this will get me NO “give till it hurts” donations, but more than a fair share of comments?

Replies: 3 Comments

Sean, you know I love you and all but I think a guy with an electric car has a better chance of getting laid by me than someone who actually owns midget clown anal porn. This is why we’re just friends.

Kimberly said @ 03/25/2002 11:27 PM GMT

josh, you little shit, i didn’t WANT to look in my vcr, but you made me, and here’s what i found:

“tie me up, tie me down, flip a coin, spin me ’round (like a record)”

bondage porn featuring quadriplegic hermaphrodites. don’t worry folks, i’m NOT proud of this…

sean said @ 03/25/2002 03:51 PM GMT

if i wasn’t afraid of clowns [or midgets] before, i certainly am now. and i haven’t even viewed the…ahem…”film”. things like that should not be allowed. i still want to know what the other tape is.

josh said @ 03/25/2002 04:08 AM GMT

okay, so before you skip ahead on this one (like each and every one of you doesn’t hang on my EVERY word, right? stroke the ego…stoke the ego…hey wait…that’s not my ego…damn cinemax…but i digress) know that i own a mountain bike, and am currently piecing together the 20″ bike of my teenage dreams with modern components slowly but surely (i’m immature like that sometimes); the bottom line is, i’m a bike (as in bicycles…but motorcycles, too…the latter of which has nothing to do with this piece, however) kinda guy. but you know what the difference between me and a lot of the morons out there is? when i’m on my bike, i’m on a BIKE.
[continue reading…]

so, doesn’t it figure that the one entry y’all make comments on is the one i put up here to tell you that it was now possible to comment on ANY entry? and the comments weren’t even ABOUT the entry..my “sister” kathi has been wanting a place to vent about airline hassles, which i am SO cool with. then people started commenting on HER comment. all the better. but since i DO kinda write this shit, i figured i should throw in my last airline experience….
[continue reading…]

03/21/2002: “”

so, i’m watching cnn last night. and i heard the most repugnant line of pig crap i’ve heard in a while (i SWORE i’d try not to be political here, but this i gotta address) it seems they have a new anti-drug smear campaign. playing off this countries new-found sense of patriotism (which is starting to wane…american flag items are now on the clearance rack at most stores), the guv-ment has started telling kids that if you use drugs, you support terrorism.

okay.

i’m confused. so, smoking dope makes you a taliban supporter. if those people smoked dope, they wouldn’t have gotten on early morning flights. they would have been at ihop eating grand slams, and comparing string cheese bootlegs. it all reminds me of a world war ii slogan that was used to encourage gas conservation and car pooling, “if you ride alone, you ride with hitler”.

a bit harsh, don’t ya think? so let’s follow the same logic with my choice of dinner last saturday night.

so, after the frightening adobada experience, the last thing i wanted was meat or mexican food, so me and phillipe did italian food (no names mentioned) in harlingen, texas. now, i have a friend who used to work at the south austin “branch”, and she used to kitchen manage because she spoke spanish. she told me that they hired mexican cooks because actual italian cooks weren’t cost effective.

so, now an italian cook is out of work. so he has to take a lower paying job. then his kids can’t get the cool, designer clothes. therefore, they’re not as popular. they get shunned by the “cool” kids. they start hanging with the wrong crowd. wearing black. listening to korn, and slipknot, and (gasp) marilyn manson (usually you can find two outta three on those bands in my car cd wallet…all three at the house…and i’m college educated; but never mind that now). then one day he’s had enough of his dad doing menial labor, and him being pushed around by football players. so he gets a gun, goes into school, and fucks some letter-men up.

now innocent high school jerks are dead. and all because i wanted manacotti. how DO i sleep at night?

same line of logic. same sort of reasoning. just a bit more extreme to show how STUPID it all is. god bless the federal spin doctors. long may the colors wave. now, available half-off.

i get sick about once a year. not bad for a guy who really doesn’t take care of himself, huh? but about once a year my body thinks, “okay..enough of this wellness and letting this guy taste and smell and breathe…time to make a whole lotta phlegm and get funky!!!” this would be that time of year.

maybe it’s running myself into the ground. or the emotional stress of events of late. but the bottom line is, i feel like hot-buttered ass. (for those not acquainted with my special line of ghettofied sayings, that would not be a good thing….although a nice hot ass on a good hot woman could…and some butter to lube up with…oh well…never mind, i feel bad; that’s the point)

when i was on my “tour of duty” throughout south texas this weekend, we stopped for lunch in laredo (adobada translates as “devil dish” in my opinion); and it was sunny, and 87 degrees. when i left my house it was grey, kinda rainy, and about 50. i assumed it had warmed up and sunned up that way EVERYWHERE (ignoring the three and a half hours of road behind us traveled at 85…i mean 65 mph…damn, i wish i hadn’t given those guys from enterprise this url)..but the bottom line is, there it was pretty, and here, from what i was told, it wasn’t.

and it still isn’t. it’s what my “sister” kathi called a “mood matcher”, or “mood masher” (damn mobile phone connections…either seems to fit). since i got back, i don’t know a damn person who’s 100% cheerful, and i’m in the same boat. it’s grey. it’s rainy. and i just wanna go home and curl up in bed with a good book and a good drink (these are plan “b”, but plan “a” is not available for cuddling at this point and time; REALLY hope that changes in the future)…and i hear the same thing from everybody else….hope it all passes with the weather; but from what i’m told this seattle-esque stuff will be with us through the weekend. ah well, at least i know this weekend will be 100% adobada free…just got the recipe sent to me; and it doesn’t really help make the moment i peeled back that foil any more magical; in fact the whole “pork” thing still has me wondering; does that just mean (of and from) the pig…no specific part? be afraid…be VERY afraid…

okay, so this weekend was long (22 hours of billable work time, followed by a 10 1/2 hour day monday), full of driving (over 1,200 miles on the rental in 48 hours, plus another 145 on my car on monday), but it was also educational. some things i learned…
[continue reading…]

03/18/2002: “”

just over 1,000 miles in just over 36 hours…and keep in mind that eight of those hours were eaten alive by much needed sleep (after THE longest hotel-room quest i’ve ever been on….it took almost two hours just to find an available room) and a rather nice breakfast (with the exception of the mexican national woman who hovered so closely over me and phillipe as we picked out food that on two separate, non-intentional occasions, we elbowed her just by moving…but it didn’t seem to phase her…scary). all in all, a LONG weekend…and a long work week ahead. i still have to close out all the sxsw wristband accounts and settle them up (they left ’em for me to do on monday…wasn’t that nice??) i have to help in our moving efforts (star tickets leaves downtown for west austin in the coming weeks), and i have to go see what damage that magical combination of uttm and drunken rednecks has done to my precious cabling at the expo center to ready it for ice bats playoffs, which begin this friday. so, if the postings seems a bit scarce the next few days (which would suck, ’cause as luck would have it, this weekend DID produce a story or two) don’t take it personal. to answer one particularly special readers question (well, one of her many…can’t beat that intellectual/inquisitive/beautiful combo punch) highway 281 out of SA will take you almost all the way to mexico if you let it. it dead ends in pharr, texas…which is FAR from SA..i should know. i was standing in both at separate times on saturday…

okay, so all week i’ve had to cover the jobs of one if not two other employees IN ADDITION to doing my gig…and all i kept thinking was, “at least the weekend is only hours away”. putting the personal issues about the weekend aside, it meant a break from work where i planned on cruising to the beach, and drinking to cushion the aforementioned personal issues. normally, i’m a big proponent of the whole, “face your shit sober…don’t uses booze as a crutch” philosophy; but do what i say, not what i do. i need to get loaded. THEN i find out i have to spend the weekend in laredo and the valley and corpus WORKING.now i had four issues:

1. i was craving chocolate milk.
2. needed to get drunk on THURSDAY, since i don’t have to go to work till about noon tomorrow.
3. i have a sxsw wristband i now need to find a home for (it’s free…mail if you’re interested and we’ll arrange something)
4. kimberly keeps sending me obscene IMs and she’s horny as hell and wanting me.

number one was solved with a phone call to my “sister” kathi. she recommended kahlua pre-mixed drinks because normal milk would curdle with real booze and get me sick. so, i bought a four pack of mudslides. i got about half-way down the road, decided to try one, opened it…and of course, drank it. then i remembered kathi’s “open container” speech (they DO taste like chocolate milk, btw..i recommend them), so i drank ALL FOUR in about ten minutes, and ditched the whole bag of empties at the next convenience store, about five miles down from the liquor store. no opens, no empties. now i’m a GOOD driver, right?

number two is a judgement call. their are several levels of drinks, depending on the way the day went and the upcoming days will go…i basically equate the amount you spend with the level of crap life dishes at you. beer or hard lemonade? about a 1.5-2.0. happy hour is about a 3.5. you get up to the 5.0-6.0 range with jim beam or bacardi rum drinks. hovering more in the 7.5-8.0 range when you head up to your crown nights; patron tequila rates in at around 9.2. tonight i’m hovering at 10.0 – bushmill’s sixteen year old irish whiskey. irish because i’m doing the saint patrick’s day thing early. and there’s something special about a bottle of whiskey that’s old enough to drive your car home from the liquor store for you. don’t try this, though…it can’t reach the pedals. learn from my mistake. damn free store samples (those little bottle sets ARE free samples, right? oops…)

three, i already explained; due to the whole valley trip from hell, i now can’t use it…

and four? nothing new; she’s always horny, always wants me (and several others…remember, she has a porn career to practice for), and nothing will happen for three simple reasons, one; she’s in VEGAS, two, she has a boyfriend (when he remembers he has a girlfriend), and three? that’s a long story…

so, to quote anthony michael hall from weird science, before his night of drunkeness, “see you guys in the emergency room”

okay, so all week i’ve had to cover the jobs of one if not two other employees IN ADDITION to doing my gig…and all i kept thinking was, “at least the weekend is only hours away”. putting the personal issues about the weekend aside, it meant a break from work where i planned on cruising to the beach, and drinking to cushion the aforementioned personal issues. normally, i’m a big proponent of the whole, “face your shit sober…don’t uses booze as a crutch” philosophy; but do what i say, not what i do. i need to get loaded. THEN i find out i have to spend the weekend in laredo and the valley and corpus WORKING.now i had four issues:

1. i was craving chocolate milk.
2. needed to get drunk on THURSDAY, since i don’t have to go to work till about noon tomorrow.
3. i have a sxsw wristband i now need to find a home for (it’s free…mail if you’re interested and we’ll arrange something)
4. kimberly keeps sending me obscene IMs and she’s horny as hell and wanting me.

number one was solved with a phone call to my “sister” kathi. she recommended kahlua pre-mixed drinks because normal milk would curdle with real booze and get me sick. so, i bought a four pack of mudslides. i got about half-way down the road, decided to try one, opened it…and of course, drank it. then i remembered kathi’s “open container” speech (they DO taste like chocolate milk, btw..i recommend them), so i drank ALL FOUR in about ten minutes, and ditched the whole bag of empties at the next convenience store, about five miles down from the liquor store. no opens, no empties. now i’m a GOOD driver, right?

number two is a judgement call. their are several levels of drinks, depending on the way the day went and the upcoming days will go…i basically equate the amount you spend with the level of crap life dishes at you. beer or hard lemonade? about a 1.5-2.0. happy hour is about a 3.5. you get up to the 5.0-6.0 range with jim beam or bacardi rum drinks. hovering more in the 7.5-8.0 range when you head up to your crown nights; patron tequila rates in at around 9.2. tonight i’m hovering at 10.0 – bushmill’s sixteen year old irish whiskey. irish because i’m doing the saint patrick’s day thing early. and there’s something special about a bottle of whiskey that’s old enough to drive your car home from the liquor store for you. don’t try this, though…it can’t reach the pedals. learn from my mistake. damn free store samples (those little bottle sets ARE free samples, right? oops…)

three, i already explained; due to the whole valley trip from hell, i now can’t use it…

and four? nothing new; she’s always horny, always wants me (and several others…remember, she has a porn career to practice for), and nothing will happen for three simple reasons, one; she’s in VEGAS, two, she has a boyfriend (when he remembers he has a girlfriend), and three? that’s a long story…

so, to quote anthony michael hall from weird science, before his night of drunkenness, “see you guys in the emergency room”