okay, so the gauntlet has been thrown down. i have been challenged, via email, several times today to show my six degrees of bacon from me to him. fine…here goes. in only FOUR steps, instead of six (like y’all didn’t already know i was a bad ass or something)

so, first off, i’ve only been in ONE major motion picture my whole life (so far…but we all know that’ll probably change at some point….and home movies don’t count, right?) it was when i was in high school…remember that career ender of anthony michael hall’s called “johnny be good”? well, in the scene where he walks out of the airport (it was supposed to be in cali or arizona or something, but was filmed in SA) and the walk way to a mercedes convertable is lined by drill team girls (the strutters from my alma mater, swt) and a marching band is around him…but the swt band was out of town, so they used the lockhart high school marching band. if you have freeze-frame, you can make me out. fuck y’all, it’s closer than most of you have gotten…so here goes….

i was in johnny be good with anthony michael hall…(degree one)
anthony michael hall was in the breakfast club with emilio estevez…(degree two)
emilio estevez was in young guns with keefer sutherland (which killed BOTH their careers)…degree three
keefer sutherland was in flat liners with KEVIN BACON…(degree four)

so there we go, in two less steps than expected. so stop the damn emails….

so, i just sat through the movie poor white trash…

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so, willie WAS scheduled to play back-to-back nights at the backyard this weekend, but i just found out tonight’s show has been postponed till tomorrow. just as well, except now i’ll probably have to work it, just like i did for last night’s show. shane and i were gonna go tonight, but after being there all last night i’d already called and bailed on him. for one reason…

WATCHING willie doesn’t do much for me.

let’s face it, willie’s not young. he doesn’t play his guitar behind his head, and there ain’t a lot of pyro to a willie show. once you establish in your head that on the center of that stage is willie fuckin’ nelson, the man who wrote the songs you grew up with (if you grew up in the south or in texas…and yes there IS a difference) there’s not a lot to see. you just kinda listen, occasionally glance at the stage, sing along with whiskey river, and get fucked up. it’s tradition. understand that a willie show across the border (i.e. ANYWHERE but texas) isn’t really a willie show. he just does that for money, and to give you the ILLUSION you’ve seen a willie show. but until you see it in his native land, it just doesn’t count. for one reason alone; the people.

if you go to a willie show in texas (which traditionally happens in the spring…he ALWAYS opens the season at the backyard in bee caves, tx, where last night and tomorrow night’s shows are happening) you go almost as much for the people as you do for willie. children. bikers. frat boys and sorority girls. trailer trash (which brings to mind today question of the day, but we’ll get to that later) lawyers. doctors. rednecks. real estate developers. hippies. burn outs. senior citizens. all hanging out together. all singing along to “pancho and lefty” (josh’s favorite – which played as we walked through to turn in the west box stuff and close out..you see josh in the comments section here from time to time). like i said, here a willie show isn’t just a show…it’s a rite of passage. when was the last time he played in YOUR neck of the woods? this is the FOURTH willie show since valentine’s day around austin (with numero cinco happening tomorrow), and all have had more than 2,000 people at them…close to 1,500 of them WEREN’T on willie’s guest list (he’s got a lot of friends around here). this is why in the entry way to my house, i don’t have the virgin mary watching over all who enter; i have the virgin willie.

oh yeah…question of the day; which is more pathetic?

a. the fact that they actually made a movie called, “poor white trash”?
b. the fact that i rented it?
c. the fact that the dvd skips past the whole first scene, so i’m about to run to blockbuster and make them give me the other copy they have so i can see this flick INSTEAD of just getting a different movie and seeing the error in my ways for renting it in the first place?

to vote, click on the “Comments” link below this line…i’m off to blockbuster…

2022 note – i now own that movie

so, after several long days in a row at the salt mines, i figured a friday night at home was in order, especially since i DO have to work saturday and all. hit heb on the way, and noticed a lot of single guys there; guys that don’t HAVE to be single. i have some advice, boys. stick with me and you can upgrade from that lowly bus station skank you’re used to getting. you can get better. like a stripper from that place over near the airport where the cops are always having to go. or that woman that’s in her mid to late thirties but still dresses kinda like kelly bundy from married with children..the one that’s ALWAYS alone and on the prowl at the bar in a pool hall. oh yes, your lonely nights can be over with a six pack of advice (plus four…you know i always make it an even ten here). ladies, don’t bother reading on…the dating and mating secrets are not meant for your eyes…
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so i told the officer, “look i understand that cavity searches are PERFECTLY legal, but i still find three things wrong with this picture…
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so, all KINDS of good concerts on the horizon in austin, texas…chemical brothers…pink…garbage…jewel…no doubt…bush….p.o.d…..stone temple pilots….crystal method…willie nelson….and you know what they all have in common? ME. (and my wonderful company) at some point, i’ll wander into all of them. these are the times i was SO warned about two years ago when i got my job….

“sean”, our v.p. said (he always calls me sean…guess it’s ’cause that’s my name and all), “when a good show is coming to town, you’re gonna notice something. a trend. an UGLY trend. friends you haven’t heard from in FOREVER are gonna call you. often. talking about, ‘how long it’s been’…’we need to hang out’….’i miss us running around together’….and it’s all BULLSHIT. they don’t miss you. they don’t like you. they know the show at the backyard is sold the fuck out, and there is VERY few ways in, and that you, buddy boy, are one of those ways. they think you can snap your fingers and make that kinda shit happen. maybe you can, maybe you can’t. but as far as THOSE weaselly sons-of-bitches are concerned, you CAN’T. no way. no day. no motherfuckin’ how. when your phone goes off, and you think, “damn…been a while since i talked to them; check your eGuide (the list of shows accessible to us tic folk) and see what’s coming up…think about that person’s taste in music…and ask yourself, ‘why did this person pick NOW, two days before the sold out, tickets going for $150 on eBay, system of a down show to rekindle our ‘friendship’?”

valid fucking point. but he forgot one crucial element that blow’s the whole theory the fuck out of the water and ruins it from ever running it’s course. i have no friends.

(just kidding)

actually, i have REAL friends…the kind that don’t ask that of me, and rarely approach me for tickets..and 99% of the time when they do, the requests fall into two distinct categories:

a. totally no problem

or…

b. you gotta be out your motherfuckin’ mind

an example of ‘a’? kramer asked me to see if he could get a SINGLE ticket to a sold out jerry jeff walker birthday show because jerry had announced his special guest would be mr. margaritaville himself, jimmy buffet. but he also said he would PAY for the ticket, he just wanted to still get one even though the show was TOTALLY sold out. while i am FAR from cool (yeah, right!!!) i have cool friends in good places (and we ran into the right one in the VIP section at the fatboy slim show), and kramer ended up front fucking row with only 24 hours notice to the tune of only about $30. all is well. TOTALLY no problem.

now, flash forward a few weeks. somebody who hasn’t called me in SO long she had to call a mutual friend and get my number, calls out of the blue, and keeps leaving, “hey sweetie, call me…..” messages. THREE IN ONE NIGHT!!! knowing she didn’t have my number, and seeing as how she hadn’t called me in over a YEAR, i called the one person i knew she could have gotten it from (and i had no beef with her getting it, as long as it was just for friendship purposes) turns out that even though she already HAD tickets to a show (acquired for free through other means), she wanted to get backstage, and thought i would be the person who could accomplish this for her. could i? couldn’t i? did i? didn’t i? refer to option b, kids…you gotta be out your motherfuckin’ mind.

there are times it is SO nice to be one of the few men on the planet that DOESN’T think with the smaller head. i used 10ga steel to lobotomize that son of a bitch in july of 1996, and have seen through SO much bullshit ever since…concert etiquette part two to follow later…

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Hey man, can you, like, spot me a Weird Al ticket? Just like old times.. when we started that mosh pit, ya know?.. (sure)

Bubba-corn said @ 04/13/2002 07:55 PM GMT

so, last night, my “sister” kathi and i decided to go out to dinner to seal closed another weekend; we were gonna go to grin’s, but passed joe’s crab shack on the way, decided that sounded better, and cruised in there. after the appetizers, and a couple of drinks, we got our main courses. i ordered the “grilled sampler”, or something to that effect, which had salmon (my favorite fish EVER), shrimp (which i can honestly take or leave, and about split this order down the middle), and crab.

i had never had crab. remember how i went off on kramer for eating craw-fish because they LOOK like what they are? same should apply to crab, except on this i yielded to peer pressure and tried it. always beware of shellfish that come with TOOLS. i mean, a knife, a fork, a spoon…all implements i’m well acquainted with at the dinner table. hell, even chop sticks (which i have since found out are NOT supposed to be used like wooden, “one-pronged” forks) are do-able. but the tool that comes with crab looks like it should say “craftsman” on the side of it. to be honest, i’m not sure that it didn’t.

so, you break ’em off at the joints, crack the shell with the pliers, separate the tendon from the meat with this little girly-ass fork, and then eat the meat. TOO much motherfuckin’ work. i could KILL and COOK something and put forth less effort. i ended up giving about half of it to kathi to finish up, and moved on with my meal. folks, my attitude towards eating out is the same as my attitude towards driving. the less effort, the better. that’s why i prefer automatic transmissions. just highlight the little “D” and GO. don’t get me wrong; i LOVE to cook. and i can do so. well. but i don’t need to work up a sweat just trying to crack open shellfish. i swear, if it had been ME on that island, my volleyball would have been one lonely son of a bitch…’cause i would have left a LOT earlier if it was do this or starve…

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of course shrimp are like the cockroaches of the sea… and the crabs are the little scavengers… sean, i didn’t want to tell you last night, because i thought that you would make evil comments about my dinner throughout, and i just WASN’T up for that – even after the chardonnay. bitch as though he might, though, gang, i have to tell you that he really was a trooper, and did a pretty good job – didn’t even waste too much of the meat. i was so proud…

kathi said @ 04/01/2002 06:47 PM GMT

you do know that shrimp are like the cockroaches of the ocean?

seafood lover said @ 04/01/2002 06:23 PM GMT

so, it’s easter sunday…that wonderful springtime tradition where good lil’ christians are hauled into church and taught how to be honest, and not worship false idols, and share with others after they’ve spent the earlier part of the morning listening to their parents tell them lies about this bad-ass bunny who left all these eggs on the lawn, and if they don’t go grab all they can someone else will. and most of the confections, when not in the shape of eggs, are in the graven image of the bunny himself.

i’ve never been able to figure out that equation…

“resurrection of lord and savior=eggs+giant rabbit”

at least santa claus KINDA makes sense. i mean, he’s a long-haired, bearded fat guy who gives shit out on jesus’ birthday. if jesus did truly cheat death, (and he is a long-haired bearded guy, coincidentally) he probably would want to live it up a bit. kinda like, “okay…did the starvation, live on the bare minimum, forty days, forty nights, give up all that people give me shit, and look where it got me. fuck this. pass me the pizza…it’s miller time” so after forty or fifty years of bad food, a few beers, and hard living, he’d kinda LOOK like santa (or jerry garcia, but you can’t duck THAT similarity….and thousands of devout folk followed jerry, too…hey….WAIT A MINUTE!!!). and being as how people ALWAYS gave him stuff, he’d have more than he could handle, and would need to give some shit away. so on HIS birthday (seeing if anybody would figure it out with the date coincidence), he goes around and does just that. now THAT makes sense…but EASTER BUNNIES AND EGGS? lemme stew on this for a minute…

so, the resurrection means new life, and nothing symbolizes new life like eggs. bu rabbits don’t lay eggs, they give birth to live young. LOTS of live young, since they tend to fuck a lot. so, where does the egg/rabbit thing come into play? maybe when the other creatures of the woods saw how much action the rabbit was getting, they got kinda jealous and said, “hey rabbit dude…sometimes when you want some, you should just choke your chicken. that way your satisfied, but no more kids”.

problem is, the rabbit misunderstood (since he WAS doing miss rabbit at the time) and thought they said, “choke A chicken”, not “choke YOUR chicken”. so, the rabbit gets his urges hitting hard (in the spring, when easter just HAPPENS to be) and starts choking a chicken. well, the harder he squeezes, the more eggs pop out of the damn thing; and the poor chicken, thinking it’s being mugged, starts handing the eggs to the rabbit in hopes he’ll let go and be cool. well after a few too many times of this, the rabbit has all these eggs to deal with, so he stashes them around the chicken farmers yard. old mcdonald gets up one sunday morning, sees all these eggs all over his yard, and being as how sunday is his ONE day off, convinces his kids to go pick ’em up, and a tradition is born.

don’t laugh…it COULD have happened this way, right? what kind of cigar is this i’m smoking right now, anyway???

Replies: 2 Comments

That might end up being a good fairy tale….

Redhead said @ 04/01/2002 04:44 AM GMT

bet it’s a “cuban-seeded, hand rolled, Dominican-banded” with a label that says….

no cigar said @ 04/01/2002 01:33 AM GMT

i guess it’s all in my delivery, but for some reason those who don’t know me (and quite a few of those who do) will take just about anything i say seriously if i do it in the right tone of voice. i think i honed this skill after high school when i asked a girl to my senior prom, she said, “sure”, and two days later was all in la-la land ’cause this guy chuck asked her to the prom. when i said, “hey; i thought you were going with me”, she replied, “oh, sean…you were serious?” guess sometimes i joke around too much for my own good (and ended up skipping my own prom as a result of it), so i learned how to sound serious when i have to; or when it will make those i deal with more entertaining to me…
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okay, so in a few i’m gonna go grab some chicken and try not to drool on myself…
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