where to begin on this one? it was wet willie weekend and if i don’t see the two rivers place for about six months that’ll be okay with me…so let’s just look at what all i dealt with, eh?

thursday

it was PREDICTED that some of the campers (the willie site had camping for several hundred) would come and pick up tickets or what not on july 3rd since that was when they got to load in. so i had to go out there at noon and sit and ‘work’ till 6:00. six hours. in a box office. no tv. no pc. no radio. no sales. okay, two tickets sold four minutes after i plopped down on the stool. ‘this won’t be so bad’, i thought…and that was all she wrote. then i got to set up stuff and start printing all the unprinted. granted, this sounds a bit philosophical, but basically if you ordered your willie stuff and set it to be picked up, we printed and sorted it the night before. took a crew of four of us about six hours and some change to complete the job. the things we do for you people. i got out at 12:30 am on july 4th (after being at the office by 9:00 am july 3rd). then i got to go crash in l-town, which meant i didn’t get to bed till around 2:30 am. yee-haw

friday

my alarm is scheduled to go off at 5:30 am…three hours after i crash. but thanks to an electrical storm my alarm doesn’t go off, so i get to sleep in…till 6:00. then it’s off to the venue, dressed in the requested “pseudo-professional-ticket-selling” gear which basically means no sandals and no ink showing. but i take it the extra yard and actually wear a button-up shirt. then i find out i’m running the will call tent. as in outdoors. out came the sleeveless wear (and countless referrals for harold, owner of sharp things tattoos & body piercings, on the square in san marcos, 512-353-1170. last one for a while, i swear!!!) ’cause it’s all good while the rain fell (and fall it did). not so much once the rain cleared off and a hot texas sun hitting rain soaked ground turned the place into a sauna. and NOTHING compliments the steamy heat of a texas sauna quite like the scent of deadheads.

a funk not even george clinton would groove to.

i’ll tell ya…it’s pretty bad when a group of folks wreaks so thoroughly that the smell alone induces acid-like hallucinations. that was the game i played with myself on july 4th to try and keep sane after a while…guessing who the burnt-out, raggedy individual approaching us was there to see…willie or the dead. a lot of their fans DO look pretty similar; like homeless people en masse. scraggly hair, bad tattoos, WAY to much ‘skin’ showing. and the only reason i use the word in quotes is because they’ve all taken on an appearance that looks less like human flesh and more like tobacco soaked pleather. like a couch in a double-wide, but with a rebel flag tattoo that’s only half colored in. so, you’d go off the check list…

1. scraggly and desheveled? check…could be either
2. bad tattoos? check…could be either
3. hemp jewelry and / or pot leaf pendant? still could be either / or at this point.
3. does the tattoo have a confederate or anti-russian theme? willie fan.
4. does the tattoo have a mushroom in it? dead fan.

and so on and so on. what’s funny is that while dead HEADS look that way, the dead don’t. and i’ll grant you, a bit of their fan base looks like older, professional types…but that only makes them more fun to watch when you see them do ‘the dance’. the ‘noodle dance’ i believe it’s called. when a guy is in patchwork pants and a tie-dyed shirt, it looks normal. well, the hippy version of normal. when you put someone in dockers khaki shorts and a polo shirt doing it, it looks as if a seizure has set in. i’ve never seem so many confused concert paramedics in my life. they went on an hour early (pat green got stuck in the traffic going out to the venue, which at times was a four-hour wait) and once they were done, the mass exodus began. by the time pat green DID hit the stage, there was hardly a glass ‘shroom dangling from a hemp string as far as the eye could see.

this all sucked for me, ’cause i was proud we were starting to pack up the outside stuff at 10:00, and figured i could beat the crowd out…then all of a sudden, not so much. i did finally roll out at around midnight (again), and got home around 1:30. that night i got a whopping five hours of sleep, and then was back up by 6:30 and out there by 9:00. we’ll pick up there tomorrow…’cause i’m still sleepy and this one is getting a bit long…

Replies: 3 Comments

mz. obsin…

i agree on the harold thing, but if wwi made you cringe, try and avoid wwii…and any of the back stuff on panic shows last year…

sean said @ 07/09/2003 09:30 AM CST

DUDE…
you’ve insulted the deadheads, you’ve insulted the rednecks,
you’ve insulted the hicks…
hell, i think you even insulted the russians….
dangling glass mushrooms…
indeed…
OH…and for the idiot who DOESN’T know…Harold is an ARTISTE’…(if i could make a raspberry on here…i would!!!!!)hehehehehehee

sacred_obsinity said @ 07/08/2003 10:06 PM CST

and who is harold, really?

astrofishy said @ 07/08/2003 06:16 PM CST

an oldie but a goodie…

[continue reading…]

finally a law that hits us where it hurts…in more ways than one. let me reveal a guy secret real quick…there are basically three simple things that make us tick; and as long as all three are in balance in our world, we’re happy campers. if not, all goes black and swirly…

1. fucking
2. eating and drinking
3. sleeping

oh yeah, and driving? how many guys do you know that don’t like to drive? no matter WHAT you drive, we all like to drive. hell, that could basically make number four on the list. and we typically like to combine one of the things OFF the list with driving.

that’s why most open container tickets are given out to guys…’cause we’re always driving, and we’re always in need of a cold beverage. or something from the take-out line. we’ve all done the one fisted cheeseburger scarf with the steering wheel in the other (or, if standard transmission is present, hand on shifter, steer with knee). and what guy hasn’t gotten blown in his car in the middle of nowhere? (if you’re out there, sucks to be you…although not literally, i suppose). just try not to combine sleeping with driving; that can be deadly.

but tennessee is looking to change one of the simple driving combo platters. yes, from the land that gave us elvis and who’s motto is “tennesseein’ is tennebelievin'” they’ve now decided what you DON’T need to be tennesseein’ in your vehicle is PORN. the state recently passed a law that bars the big ballin’ shot callin’ tenneplayas rollin’ dub-style in their escalades from watchin’ anal asian sluts part XII if the screen can be viewed from the outside. ah, the bible belt…

life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness…the three things we’re guaranteed as americans. and what’s a happier place than driving around with porn playing in your vehicle? i mean if you can’t roll down the boulevard with jenna jameson taking it up the ass on the back of your headrests, why don’t we just move to pakistan or something?

i guess the irony of this law is that is geared specifically towards fucking over southern people. i mean, who would spring for video monitors and NOT spring for window tint? if the glass is tinted so nobody can see your screens, you can watch that fun illegal shit. that midget rodeo clown beastiality shit. you know, the kind of stuff harold (owner of sharp things tattoos and piercings on the square in san marcos, 512-353-1170) watches. but never mind that now. hell, at least in texas we can still get away with it…

Replies: 6 Comments

i don’t particularly like to drive. i don’t really sleep a lot either. but the sex thing…as the kool-aid guy says “OH YEAH!!!”

josh said @ 06/26/2003 08:22 AM CST

but do you really bleed blood? I always thought it wold be more like BBQ sauce, or bourbon…

astrofishy said @ 06/25/2003 10:52 PM CST

for all of those who are curious (of which i’m sure there are very, very few) when i was getting ink work done by harold last night we nicked what i believe was a chigger bite or something and it started bleeding…but since we kept pulling off the paper towel bit every time we took a break, it kept bleeding…for about four hours. but when i woke up this morning, it was fine. he DID call and make sure i was alive before posting today, though…

sean said @ 06/25/2003 03:06 PM CST

Asian Goats XII? I thought they ended a an even X! Hook a brotha up!

astrofishy said @ 06/25/2003 01:14 PM CST

I drew a fabulous cartoon of last night (assuming you didn’t die of blood loss in the night) you, with an unusually large full roll of paper towels precariously stuck to your shoulder but solid red. Then another with a very surprised and full mosquito.

Harold said @ 06/25/2003 12:50 PM CST

Sorry to disappoint, not into anything illegal, unless I move to Tennessee I suppose. For some reason I pretty sure it was Asian GOATS pt.XII, what having occured in Tennebelivin’ and all.

Harold said @ 06/25/2003 12:41 PM CST

so, for my birthday night, i had good chinese, a nice leggy date, and a show stuffed with white people; but in the middle of all the caucasianess i came up with an idea that can help a lot of my readers out. a lot of my single, male readers. sorry, ladies…

creed. train. matchbox 20. (the latter of which is where i ended up last night…hey, at least that rob thomas guy and that WAY overplayed song helped kick start santana’s career again, right?). all a bunch of whiney white boys that are a bit too in touch with their feminine side for my everyday tastes. i’ll admit some of that first matchbox album had merit…as did the first (and before it was overplayed, the second) album from sugar ray, who was the opener. but lead boy mark mcgrath went a little TOO generic with his crowd pumping antics. he talked up the spurs, and smiled sheepishly as the crowd roared. hate to break it to you mark, but the kkk could get a standing ovation in s.a. if they talked up the spurs…that town loves their nba champs. as well they should.

then, he dedicated the song fly to “all the people over in iraq still fighting the war”. fair enough. but he went and asked the crowd, “how many of y’all know someone in the military?” dipshit, this is san anfuckingtonio. their are 487 military bases in the city. wanna hit a small demographic? ask if someone DOESN’T know someone who’s worn camo for a living.

we walked in during sugar ray’s set, and all was dark (but DAMN the seats were good…not as good as the last show i went to there (seventh row floor), but DAMN good none the less…arranged because my date’s mom’s boss’s daughter is a radio contest fiend and had TWO sets of free tickets.) but when the house lights came on, i noticed three very distinct things:

1. despite my letters and petitions, backless halter tops are still available in plus sizes.

2. this crowd was FAR from ethnically diverse. i’ve never seen that many white people in a large room since the last time i caught c-span.

3. not a lot of single guys there.

and that’s when it hit me. this is THE most “target rich environment” (in the terms of a certain anonymous colleague). there are TONS of single girls (usually in groups of no more than three). and after the emotionally “touching” lyrics of the band start to melt in, and they see all the couples around them, they get to wanting some company. THAT is your cue. much like the lion waits by the watering hole for the gazelle to come and drink. the gazelle’s throat need not go dry, and neither should your happy stick. yours just won’t have results as tragic as the gazelles…unless you REALLY fuck this up. the next estrogen-x fest will be later in the summer at the verizon wireless ampitheater in selma – counting crows and john mayer opening. you KNOW there will be more single women there than any of you know what to do with. hell, enough to where I might even run out of ideas…

wait…scratch that last one. that is SO not possible.

here’s a few lines to try to “relate”:

1. they’re edgy, but not too edgy, ya know?

2. i like the way {the lead singer} can be so sensitive, yet still be manly…

3. their lyrics just really speak to me

4. i like just throwing their new on on a rainy afternoon when i’m at home alone

5. at least they’re not one of those bands angry for no reason

6. they just rock…

or be creative. just seem sensitive and vulnerable, but not in a “i do hair for a living” kinda way. you should be fine. now go forth and conquer…but then make her scream MY name. you OWE that to me…

Replies: 2 Comments

“Target-rich environment”? Now I know how to cover up that birthmark–I’ll just have a bullseye tattooed on it.

the other redhead said @ 06/22/2003 06:43 PM CST

the real trick is that when played backwards, slowly , a short series of beta waves are sounded followed by masked voices stating ; am i gay; you should sleep with this guy; throw your (xxl) panties on the stage; he/she’s cute; etc. etc. …

Harold said @ 06/22/2003 01:51 AM CST

friday night i went to see george lopez…which was damn funny. the night had it’s good points and it’s bad points, but the absolute LOWEST point came when i got home to discover my a.c. had frozen up at the house. great…

now, i’ve never taken an a.c. repair course (be it at a trade school or by mail) but i know there are three basic reasons your air conditioner will freeze up on you:

1. restricted air flow
2. low freon
3. you live in polar conditions

well, texas is pretty far from polar (yet, i still seem to always befriend/date/fuck/whatever bipolar people…how odd). so, it was either #1 or #2. my buddy jim’s dad (who used to do a.c. repair) always tells me to check my filter first, and sure ’nuff it was disgusting. see, i used to use those mega-filter-charcoal-laced deals that last ninety days. but last time i went to buy one, they didn’t have that kind…so i had to get a normal one instead.

i just forgot to change it for three months…oops.

so i pulled the ol’ nastass filter, cleaned out the entire blower assembly with canned air, and then put a new ninety day filter and fired it up. all was well. all blew cold. i went off to the eye doctor since my house was a happy, cool place.

for about four hours. then it froze up again. FUCK!!!

see, it couldn’t have happened at a worse time. because i live in lockhart, and saturday was the height of the chisolm trail roundup festival. anyone from a smaller town knows what i’m talking about…

see, if you live in a small to mid-sized town, every year you have this festival. maybe it’s in tribue to the crop that saved the town, or some little microcosm of history that it can cling to in order to give it some level of pride and significance, but it happens EVERY year. it comes with chili cook offs and rodeos and parades and carnies. yee-haw. and when it’s the SATURDAY of the festival, pretty much the entire town shuts the fuck down. sure, the grocery stores and wal-mart and other national stuff is open. but the mom & pop stuff? forget about it…and the same goes for the service industry. why go earn money when you can sit out in the heat and drink $3 beers and see people you wanted to fuck in high school but never got to and now come back to town and even though they never said word one to you before now they are all about being your buddy.

but now they’re fat, and still annoying, and now you don’t WANT to be there buddy…and you sure as hell don’t wanna fuck them. not even after $20 worth of $3 beer coupled with the texas heat. but, i digress…

so, i found one guy who came over (he was working at a house only two blocks from mine) and not only fixed my problem (dirty coil) but showed ME how to fix it next time…my first course in a.c. repair, plus him fixing it for me, all for $65. money i didn’t really have, but you just can’t live without a.c. in texas…so it had to happen. see, if maslow had lived in texas, the first level would have had ‘food, clothing, shelter, and climate control’. but never mind that now…

Replies: 3 Comments

I’d rather stick my dick in a hot tail pipe, or even worse, use paypal.

btw – cool ztrip mix – if that WAS you…

greg said @ 06/18/2003 03:12 PM CST

greg, i couldn’t agree more….somebody start paying me…one way or another…

sean said @ 06/17/2003 02:51 PM CST

I haven’t changed my cheap ass filter in over six months. totally forgot.

Damn, you are entertaining AND useful! someone pay this guy already!

greg said @ 06/17/2003 02:30 PM CST

i’ve made no secret to the fact that i’m trying to lose weight, and am doing so with the atkin’s diet (20 pounds in just over a month, thank you very much…and that’s with quite a bit of cheating). on it, as many of you know, you look at the carb content rather than the fat. in fact, you’re encouraged to eat the ‘full-fat’ version of foods over the ‘low-fat’ version because low fat typically means higher sugar.

all good with me.

but now the u.k. (and it’s far-off bitch, new zealand) have started looking into a ‘fat tax’. fortunately most u.s. officials tend to see this as a bad thing.

damn, i’m proud to be an american.

i’ve never been to the other land down under, but i have been to england and i know there’s no sales tax. for that matter, most food here is tax-free as long as it’s all natural. but under this new proposal a tax would be levied on most dairy and sugary food. and i’m not talking some “8.25%” shit like we have for sales tax here in austin…i’m talking a whopping 17% tax!!!

can you picture this?

i bet that line at krispy kreme starts to go down if that happened here in the states. either that, or you’d just see less mini vans and more range rovers. but i wonder if they’d stop at dairy and sweet stuff. i bet if it hit here in this country, they’d go after ALL the fat stuff once they saw it was working. that could bump the price of a chili-cheese dog at a ball game from $8.50 to $10.00. sure, the change would be easier for the dipshit concession guy to figure up, but where’s the consumer motivation to wanna make that happen? all of a sudden mickey d’s has to brag about their double-cheeseburger being under FIVE bucks instead of ninety-nine cents. and that two dollar tip to the pizza schmuck will no longer seem generous since it’ll be WAY under that 15% gratuity ‘minimum’ we all have locked in our heads. but there is a bright side to think about when it comes to all this and this country…

it’ll never happen here. ever. and i’ll tell ya’ why…

this country has a shit-load more fat folk than the u.k. and the n.z. combined. has a shit-load more fatty food, too. but you know what ELSE we have a shit-load of? lobbyists. and as long as the poor-ass dairy farmer is part of the dairy farmers UNION who has some slick, sheisty, former cadillac salesman dressed in a $600 suit stuffing twenties into the pockets of bought and paid for elected officials there is no fucking way that dairy shit’s gonna be taxed that high. same with pork, or any other ag product. don’t fool yourself…those toothless tractor drivers have friends in HIGH places…and while you can’t technically BUY a congressperson, lease plans are available…but they’re going fast.

now, before any of you bring up the cigarette thing, keep something in mind. unlike milk (which does a body good) and pork (the other white meat) cigarettes have no nutritional value. at all. despite what my friend jen will attempt to tell you. also, they have won the major battle they needed to win: the labeling one. see, the companies that use ONLY tobacco in their cigarettes brag about it so much because most of them use a LOT more. but unlike dairy products, and sodas, and all the way down to bottled fucking water, ingredients are NOT listed on the side of cigarettes. you know why? ’cause they don’t want you to know. and they paid a lung-load of money NOT to have to tell you. in fact, the federal government study that found out what all the ingredients were has never been made public record.

fed silence ain’t cheap.

so you pay a bit more in taxes on ’em. awww…ain’t that a damn shame. but you still pay it. and you always will. forever and ever amen. and they KNOW this. ’cause when the taxes go up, they just up the most addictive of the eleven (okay, more like 364) herbs and spices that keeps you addicted and they know you’ll sell your own BLOOD just to get smokes (don’t laugh…i’ve seen it happen). but at least the non-smoking fat people (or tobacco-deficient, calorically-enhanced individuals, if you’d prefer to be more p.c.) will be okay. why the fuck do you think they’re so fucking jolly? if you had a blood-sugar content higher than a race horse, you would be, too. except, of course, when you had to pay for more than one airline seat…but never mind that now.

Replies: 2 Comments

well, i still say, if they’re taxing the shit out of dairy and fatty meat and such they’re all just basically saying vegans are the chosen people. of course, if you believe the hypocritical adage that AIDS is a plague put down by god to smite the evil, then lesbians are the chosen people…so if you’re a vegan lesbian, you’re solid gold. but if you eat out your partner and swallow, are you truly vegan?

sean M said @ 06/12/2003 12:39 PM CST

I still say that between “legalization” and this fat tax thing, um, somthin’ about money, i forgot…

Harold said @ 06/12/2003 12:25 PM CST

05/28/2003: “”

okay, so i KNOW that these days, on the news stands, it’s all about exposure. about getting your name out there. and i am SO down with that…plus, the publishing “empire” i’m kind of attacking today is actually somewhere i’d love to work (and have been told i should), so it’s not meant in a negative way. or a trash-talking way. on the contrary, it’s a kind of warning, perhaps you folks have stretched yourself too thin kind of way…

and of course i’m talking about MAXIM.

now, before there was MAXIM, there were tons who do what they do. but somehow they stole the t & a crown (not meant to stand for topics and articles, of course) from details and made those folks have to be “real” journalists again (which meant converting to writing articles about straight guys who do gay porn versus articles on how to steal your buddy’s girlfriend, for example)…and all seemed harmonious.

…and then came Stuff.

okay, so in the interim, bob guccioni started his gear magazine, and now we’ve got gene simmons (yes, of kiss) with tongue, and transworld skateboarding (!?!?) throwing together stance (plus many, many, many more…). but this is about MAXIM spreading themselves a bit thin, so let’s get back to the Stuff issue.

MAGAZINES…ISSUES…FUCK i’m funny….but, i digress…

so, Stuff came out, and was supposed to be (from what i had been told) kind of a “Maxim Lite”…more of the “t” and the “a”, but less of the “substance” (did i miss something?); plus just extra stuff that didn’t make the MAXIM cut. all good. i got a subscription to that, too…

then came Blender; the MAXIM “take” on music magazines. this one i really do need to subscribe to, but haven’t yet. good stuff. all music (with the occasional scantily clad christina or shakira for that “touch” o’ MAXIM). so, what are we up to now? three?

…and of course, this was all in addition to the “Best of MAXIM” things they put out, plus the new “MAXIM Goes To The Movies”. now we’re more like four or five PER MONTH. getting a little ridiculous here. but why only have four or five when you can have a six pack (we always have MAXIM por hombres down here; the spanish version of the magazine…and they’ve also got an italian version, a german version, etc, etc, etc). but the latest is a bit much…

MAXIM fashion

um…okay. is this meant to take on GQ or something? no chicks on the cover (this month it’s samuel l. jackson). no “how to bag that stripper” kind of articles…instead “50 new sneaker designs for summer”. wonderful. don’t get me wrong, i can shop like a bitch when need be. but what the hell is this fashion rag shit? what else can we do? how far must we stratify?

1. maxim – in lower case ’cause it’s for midgets (yes…just like the rest of my page)

2. Whip Marks – MAXIM for fetishists

3. MAX-ZEE to da’ M-ZEE – MAXIM for da’ hood

4. Suds – all about beer, and the babes in the commercials

5. MAXIMum RPMs – for those who drive the $92,000 prelude ala 2fast, 2 furious

6. MAXXXIM – yeah, you KNEW with me there would have to be a porn one…

7. MAX – named like a guy, ’cause it’s for guys who like guys…no, wait…the homosexual set already has that MAXIM fashion shit

8. lil’ max & BIG MAX – for the father and son (or NAMBLA members, depending on how sick you think i am…any wagers on that one?)

9. Tunes – all about housewares (hey…if Blender can be a music magazine, why the hell not?)

10. Pathet Tech – kinda like wired and MAXIM combined, geared towards the lonely, desperate, frighteningly horny web folk…like you and me.

Replies: 4 Comments

well, as i mentioned, they already have MAXIM por los hombres for the latino crowd…but i really dig the other two; and i guess we could also have MIXIM for DJs and club kids. or MAXICROMBIE & FITCH, for that crowd.

but we shouldn’t call them “commies”…more like “democratically impaired”. but we’ll chat about the pc thing on fried day…

sean said @ 05/28/2003 11:53 AM CST

Maxim for commies?

g. said @ 05/28/2003 11:18 AM CST

damn, boy, don’t you know nuthin’? ya’ll ain’t “hispanic” anymo’, yew now “latino” [or latina, if the shoe fits]…

must be PC these days.

white trash said @ 05/28/2003 11:16 AM CST

Can we get a Mexim for all the hispanics… Marksim for our comrades… or even Mocksim for that satirist that we all know…

Harold said @ 05/28/2003 09:38 AM CST

easy money. that’s what a guy i used to work with would call days like i’ve had lately. those dull-ass days where things are so slow that you almost have to CREATE tasks for yourself. i know lots of people who NEVER have days like this…

i envy those people.

this kinda shit drives me NUTS. nothing to do. nothing to say. there are warning signs your day is like this…

1. more than once in a day you start a sentence with something to the effect of, “then, when we were in the sixth grade…”

2. you have constructed a paperclip chain that could encircle a 1970 cadillac coupe de ville.

3. you check your email more than five times in a fifteen minute period.

4. when your boss asks you, “do you need something to do?”, you answer, “as a matter of fact, yeah…” but he just shrugs his shoulders at your answer and walks away…

5. you actually answer one of those “foreign” emails that’s begging you to offer exile to some former dictator’s kid’s money.

6. the heated debate over who should have won american idol almost results in a fist fight.

7. the highlight of your day is when you almost electrocute yourself taking a monitor apart.

8. you clean the fridge in the break room “just because”

9. your desk becomes a gangland war zone when the homies from the top of your monitor battle the mijos from the top of the other guy’s monitor.

10. four simple words: rubber band battle royale.

the kind of work day that bill hicks lamented in his routine about work boredom:

your boss comes in and says, ‘why aren’t you working?’ and you respond with, ’cause there’s nothing to do…’ and then HE says, ‘well, why don’t you PRETEND you’re working.’

‘what? i don’t get paid enough to use my imagination…why don’t you fantasize? tell ya what…how ’bout we pretend i’m the boss…now you’re fired…how do you like that?

yep…one of THOSE kinda days. but at least it’s over in five…four…three…two…

Replies: 9 Comments

EZ MONEY! My favorite. I was just at that place and there was NOTHIN going on. I can vouch for Sean on Numbers 1 and 10. The rest seem particularly modern.

toothy said @ 05/28/2003 05:41 PM CST

hey…”big daddy”…editing features are fun on these things, aren’t they?

sean said @ 05/27/2003 04:57 PM CST

WHO needs to get a life?? Gawd DAMN!!

g. said @ 05/27/2003 10:27 AM CST

Cranky Amy needs to get a life
My daughter is a two bit whore.
Why she was soo drunk once she even came on to me!
I stopped here after she blew me first, incest is best.
Anyways, I hope the bitch gets a life and stops complaining about every little thing in the world.
HOLY SHIT, WHAT A CRY BABY BITCH!!!

Cranky Amy’s Big Daddy (with the small cock) said @ 05/27/2003 08:53 AM CST

I don’t get what all the fuss is about with American Idol. I never saw a single episode.

However, I have cleaned that fridge. I wanna know something. Why don’t people clean up after themselves? Do I look like their mother? NO!

Da Goddess said @ 05/27/2003 12:14 AM CST

I didn’t know you worked for my boss, greg. I thought I was the only one… (And, for the record, I’ve been begging him for tasks for three days.)

kathi said @ 05/23/2003 01:05 PM CST

I’d hate having nothing to do, but it’s weird when you nobody tells you what to do; and if you don’t motivate yourself you’ll be humiliated and beaten in public every other week.

greg said @ 05/23/2003 11:02 AM CST

when they found me asleep at the desk, they called 9-1-1, fearing I’d had a heart attack or something….

astrofishy said @ 05/22/2003 08:35 PM CST

So I was telling my boss about today’s astrowhore, and that I would probably be better if I would just go to the bar instead… so he gave me a fifty and ordered me to drink until I felt like stopping…

harold said @ 05/22/2003 06:24 PM CST

so, the i35 challenge is on…and it’s obvious who’s signed a deal with the devil. i’m sorry, but you just don’t hit 49 outta 50 when your season average is only in the eighty percentile. they missed the first, and then it was like, “okay satan…we’ll sign. just don’t let that happen again!!!”. i know wesley snipes said, “the sun’s even gonna shine on a dog’s ass every once and a while”, but that was one seriously sun burnt doggy rump by time the fat lady sung last night…

by the way, i’m talking about basketball…

i like basketball over other professional sports because i can’t realistically play it. same reason i like hockey, but we never had hockey ’round here when i was growing up, plus i can’t skate, so that’s just a total no-go. but i CAN run and jump and hit free throws (though not 49 outta 50), so with the exception of being 5’8″ and built more like a white football player, i could shoot some hoops. in fact, i have. but unlike baseball and particularly football, i didn’t have coaches hounding me all through high school and such to play basketball, so i tend to have a more positive attitude towards it. and with dallas playing san antonio for western supremacy, we are a state divided on either end of i35. so, who’s gonna reign supreme? the lost and enlisted or the cosmopolitan?

allow me to explain that last statement…

see, i have my theories of how the bigger urban areas in texas became bigger urban areas. see, austin is the center of government, so in the 60’s and 70’s all the hippies and protesters and such came here and made it a somewhat bohemian pile o’ folk that has that one odd kid from every small high school in texas all in one centralized location. it has more guitarists and massage therapists and such per capita then anywhere else in the state. they were here BEFORE the dot com invasion, and will be here LOOOOONG after the last lexus suv is sold off to somebody from houston to slap 20’s on.

speaking of h-town, it’s been my observation that houston consists of as many nationalities (and is segmented pretty similar to) l.a.. the difference is, these ethnic folks (and all the caucasians) would rather deal with air so humid you can gargle as you breathe then move to cali and deal with earthquakes and riots and such. it’s our little california, complete with beach areas and malls the size of mid-sized baltic states. it’s all about image. remember folks, the breast implant was invented in HOUSTON, not california. ’cause everything in texas just HAS to be bigger. they used to be the big spurs finals rival, but since all they have going for ’em now is a super-sized china man, they didn’t make the cut.

as for san antonio, i firmly believe the population can be divided into two types of folks. those who got transferred at some point in their military career to taco city and realized they could still wear shorts on xmas eve…then there’s my most recent theory about the masses who got off the expressway and couldn’t figure out how to get back on and just went, “fuck it…i’ll just stay here. maybe they tell residents how to hit the highway”. that’s why i call them the ‘lost and enlisted’. i guess, technically, that ‘and’ should be an ‘or’.

the reason i refer to dallas folks as ‘cosmopolitan’ is because the bulk of metroplex folk (more specifically dallas…ft. worth tends to be pretty laid back) tend to have a very east coast, almost new york attitude. much like you’re not from “NYC”, you’re from “brooklyn”, people won’t say they’re from dallas, but rather ‘mckinney’. or ‘plano’ or whatever chunk of fucking DALLAS they’re from. at my job we refer to everyone by sales region, which means ANYTHING in the 817, 214, 972, or whatever is dallas. this infuriates them. they’ll get over it. but now, back to basketball…

when i saw the lineup for the dallas mavericks (i have to admit, i hadn’t watched one of their games since they changed their colors to something more marketable in the hood and ditched mashburn and kidd) i figured this for a quick sweep…they had WAY too many white boys, and they all looked a bit scruffy. like an mtv rock n’ jock game back when alice in chains was on heavy video rotation. but they hit 49 of 50 free throws (can we say “deal with satan”?) and the grunge brothers sunk the mvp and all who’s jersey matched his. frightening. anyone out there wanna figure how many games we’re looking at? or am i the only nba fan in astrowhoreland?

Replies: 2 Comments

Fuck you Josh. SA in six. I too haven’t watched the Mavs in a coons age, but I saw the last game of their series and knew the Spurs weren’t in for any cakewalk. But when you hit half your free throws (or whatever the Spurs hit) and the other guys hit almost ninety nine percent, you’re gonna lose. Just the way it is.

The German is a motherfucker.

Toothache said @ 05/20/2003 09:37 PM CST

dallas in seven. fuck san antonio.

josh said @ 05/20/2003 04:47 PM CST

so i told the officer, “look man, until some ordinance says i have to get off the phone when i drive, i’m still gonna make calls and there’s nothing you can do about it…” next thing i know i’m being cuffed and stuffed…and i DON’T mean in the back of the car on that last word, unfortunately. but i DID learn (thanks to my phone being on vibrate and the office calling) that what they say about prostate massage feeling good to a guy might have some basis in reality after all…

but seriously…

picture this…you’re a cop in tulsa, on a slow-ass sunday night, when all of a sudden you see a car run a red (i swear it was yellow) light. you start to follow, and the same questionable light timing happens another block down. when you pull up closer to call in some plate numbers before you pull them over, you see there ARE no plates…paper OR metal. no tags or inspection, either…it’s a brand new cadillac deville, running lights, with no plates, tags, what-not, and it’s just down the road from the CADILLAC DEALER.

can we say grand theft auto? tulsa police can…so i had some ‘splaining to do when i got out at my hotel.

you see, i HAD a rental reservation for a “premium” car (maxima…camry…et al) but they hadn’t had proper returns on those, so i could either downgrade to some econo shit box or upgrade (for $7) to a 2003 cadillac deville, in a color that you or i would call ‘light brown’ or ‘beige’, but cadillac folk call “cashmere”. which tonight that sweater looked BOOSTED. a brief license inspection (and slightly longer inspection of my rental agreement) coupled with a lecture on the difference in primary colors and i was on my way. i WAS gonna get my bag out of the trunk while i was talking to the cop, but when i went for the remote i stopped myself ’cause i realized the three corpse sized trunk had three things in it…

1. my backpack
2. a ticket system
3. a lawn jockey

okay, like i said, that last bit about all the racist shit in my work place was predominantly made up. but i HAD been threatening mike t with the idea of me getting a lawn jockey and putting it on my desk and naming it lil’ mike. i’d even scouted some 11″ ones on eBay and shown him. he laughed, and said not to be surprised if it ‘disappeared’ off my desk if i dared. (uh-huh…don’t wanna perpetuate the stereotypes but you wanna steal?) well, i have seen some strange shit confiscated by concert security in my day, but when jerry (head of security for the evanesence show i was sent up to tulsa to work) said, “oh, dude…check this out…”, and handed me an 11″ high lawn jockey that someone tried to take in to throw at the stage, i just about shit myself. all the more humorous when he GAVE IT TO ME after i told him that would complete an office prank.

move over mike t…lil’ mike comes in on a plane tomorrow. hope you still read my page…

after i bailed the show, i needed a bit o’ grub, which is hard to find at 9:30 pm on a sunday in tulsa…so i went to hooter’s. when i got there, it was SLAMMED out busy. i showed up to a full parking lot, and loud cheering from inside. i thought, “the spurs?”, till i remembered i was NOT at home and the games don’t kick in till next week. nope…it was for the pay-per-view wwe wrestling event. and i got the last table outside, no less…where you had speakers on the deck, but had to watch it through the glass.

ya know, sometimes my redneck expectations are let down…but today was NOT one of those days. as i had so eloquently stated to me earlier on the phone, “sean, you have some weird, random shit happen to you, don’t you?”. yep…often. and that’s how this page was born.

Replies: 6 Comments

to the o.r. (original redhead), yes they are still around, and somewhat cheap, and to the o.r. II (other redhead), i believe that would be called a lawn honky, wouldn’t it? i talked about getting one of those made…blonde hair, blue eyes, pastel polo and khakis, holding out a cell phone…but cast iron custom stuff is pretty pricey…

sean said @ 05/20/2003 10:27 AM CST

Better yet, why don’t you keep the black lawn boy and put it on your desk, I’ll tell you where I saw the white one, you can go ‘appropriate’ it, and then you can both have lawn jockeys. Tell him you just,”wanted him to feel at home.”

the other redhead said @ 05/20/2003 08:00 AM CST

What kind of place do you live in that people still have those around? I haven’t seen one in ages! Are they still made or are all of these ‘recycled’?

the redhead said @ 05/20/2003 07:24 AM CST

I walked past one of those in Far North Austin the other day. When I turned to my companion (Sag) to complain, he said, “But look, it’s a white lawn jockey, it’s not racist.” So, Sean, I leave it to you to settle the score: are they considered racist if the lawn jockey is a white guy?

the other redhead said @ 05/19/2003 10:31 PM CST

hmph. they quit showing ppv wwe events at the hooters at 1325 and i-35 because a family complained. a family. complained about sex and violence at the fucking hooters. grrrr….

topenga said @ 05/19/2003 03:48 PM CST

forgive me.. but what’s a lawn jockey?

whitey said @ 05/19/2003 02:58 PM CST