another flashback that’s not really a flashback

i suppose the more things change the more they stay the same…

…or so i’m realizing.

as i sit here, phyfe dog chilling at my feet, melanie c dj set gently bumping out of the speakers, i’m tracking a shipment on a device that allegedly will fix my back issue. this is the second such device i’m trying, and that’s not including the “back pain free protocol” i paid for, downloaded the app for, and then never really followed through with. this is, of course, after peptide injections, various gummies (methylene blue, sea moss, etc), and more various joint pills and pain pills and all the pills (none with any fun effects, though) and yet i still haven’t caved and tried any black market opioids, but i fear those days might be coming.

as i was explaining to shane last night, it really starts to become a lifestyle. it changes the way you do things. i’m supposed to be working on a car as i type this. but before i can fix grey, i gotta get a new key for the lugs (that’s free, i bought one with a lifetime warranty, but i gotta go the auto parts store), and i gotta go dump some oil into a recycle spot so i can have a catcher for m’s oil, and all that requires me to do some lifting and some driving and a whole lotta moving and that’s just not in the cards at the moment. that might change in forty-five minutes or so, but time will tell. i’m waiting for tadvenol to kick in (that’s two tylenol and two advil taken together, in case you’re curious) and see how mobile i am this morning. i haven’t showered yet and am wearing grubby clothes should i be able to complete the task. i need to do the oil change before her next trip in, but at this point it might be tomorrow before work or in the heat later. we’ll see.

back to where i was going with this – in the late 1990’s to early 2000’s i was obsessed with my waistline. for some reason it lodged in my head that this was why i was chronically single back then. i had struggled with my weight most of my adulthood, at one point getting up to about 275lbs and buying 44″ jeans. by the early 2000’s i was down to between 250 and 260 and consistently rocked 40 waist 30 inseam jeans, which ME doubted me on because that’s her inseam and she’s only five foot flat…but leggier (and hotter) than she gives herself credit for, even today, but that’s another story.

back then there was no social media or algorithms kicking out your every desire across a feed you habitually can’t stop scrolling through…there were just late night ads, and they knew we were all sitting there shoveling cheese balls into our face while watching mtv at 2am. fun fact – i started working out in college to try and lose weight and when i realized i was failing at that i just started trying to bulk up my shoulders and chest to be wider than my waist because that is a classic optical illusion that makes your waist look smaller. but to try and aid in tightening up the mid section i tried the ab-roller and crunch-ab-palooza and ab chair and any other number of devices and gadgets with “ab” in the title, all of which were pretty much useless, and ended up in the trash except the first one i got, which i actually still have. it works, but diet has a bigger effect on my waist than anything and it’s kinda shocking how long it took me to discover this. now between mobility issues and good ol’ fashioned working more in the heat and eating less i’m down between 195 and 205 pretty consistently (200.6 today, about 21% body fat) but now instead of fixing my weight and i’m obsessed on fixing mobility. still trying everything i can throw at it like then, still failing more than succeeding like back then, but it doesn’t stop me from trying…but the weight thing essentially took decades, and i don’t know if i have that much left in the tank to try and conquer this – it’s gonna need to be a shorter battle to keep me from having some kind of psychotic break, i fear.

let the games begin!