in this economy, it still fits (an actual flashback)

ah, monday; time for the hunt to begin anew…

surfing the sites, highlighted newspapers in hand, ready to rock. ready to roll. ready to leave the teaming masses of unemployed for the stressful, can’t sleep in any more experience that is the work place.

yep, i’m still unemployed. kinda sucks. but along the journey so far, i have learned that there are certain DOs and DON’Ts that you need to think about along the path to the paycheck. the DOs are boring, and something i obviously don’t know a lot about, or i wouldn’t still be seeking work.

(at this point, don’t skip down to the comments and talk about how it hasn’t been that long for me (one month, two days), or how your cousin has been looking for the last two years, or whatever…i’m a gemini, and a white male between the ages of 18 and 34…i am so about the immediate gratification it’s not even funny)

but the DON’Ts can be a fun ride, and since i learn by doing, here’s some things i’ve been told i ought not have done…

1. no matter how “fucking awesome” you may have been at your last job, including the phrase “fucking awesome” on your resume is a bad move…or so i’m told. but i was fucking awesome. why lie?

2. on an application where they ask what you’ve been doing since you lost work, do NOT include the verb “partying” any where in your answer.

3. when the receptionist offers you a cup of coffee while you wait for an interview, it looks bad if you take a sip and then wave the cup in her direction and ask if she can “irish it up” for you.

(sneak in a flask and save yourself the embarrassment…plus they probably have lame whiskey to match the lame coffee)

4. it doesn’t matter how well you think the girl knows you. it doesn’t matter how insightful they seem. it doesn’t matter how much they praise you and talk about your potential every time they hear your voice. do NOT, under any circumstances, put that psychic you saw on the late night tv ad and called to seek career and love life advice down on your resume as a personal reference. nothing good can come of it. plus, i already have kramer down ’cause i’ve actually worked for him, and having more than one psychic on your resume is a bit too “austin”.

5. no matter how funny or cute you may think it is, on the line of an application where they ask who to notify in the case of an emergency, don’t put “911”. don’t worry…they damn well know your sister doesn’t know how to set a broken leg. that’s okay. put her down any way. if they’re not smart enough to call “911” BEFORE they call her, do you really think you’ll respect them enough to call them “boss”? i wouldn’t.

and finally…

6. at the end of the interview, assuming you make it that far, and they ask you if you have any questions for them, don’t ask, “do y’all test?”. because it will sound like you asked in that tone of voice whether you did or not. and all will be bad.

LEARN from my mistakes.

Replies: 16 Comments

kramer, the only time i have big tits is when the stripper i’m tipping puts them in my face.sorry to disapponit(well, not that sorry…)

shane said @ 10/29/2003 02:58 AM CST

I thought shane was a guy…

getting scared… said @ 10/28/2003 04:17 PM CST

so does shane have big tits or what? kathi, help me here… would I like her?

astrofishy said @ 10/28/2003 12:22 PM CST

oh, honey… we live to keep you entertained as much as you live to keep us entertained.

kathi said @ 10/28/2003 11:06 AM CST

some times…not all the time, but some times…you people kinda scare me…but in a good way.

sean said @ 10/28/2003 10:50 AM CST

sorry, shane… i don’t think you have the breasts for the job, hon…

kathi said @ 10/28/2003 01:00 AM CST

let me send you my resume kramer!

shane said @ 10/27/2003 11:51 PM CST

… or you’re looking for a job as astrofishy’s personal assistant…

kathi said @ 10/27/2003 11:49 PM CST

not unless you are applying to high times…

shane said @ 10/27/2003 11:44 PM CST

since when was pot&porn; listed under hobbies? I thought that was “job skills” or something…

astrofishy said @ 10/27/2003 11:02 PM CST

here is another bad one, where it asks about hobbies and intrests, DONT list pot&porn;!

shane said @ 10/27/2003 10:32 PM CST

I’m told that some employers seem to think the phrase “extinguishing fires as needed” is cute… although, in your case, I expect they’d be tempted to wonder if they should take that in the literal…
You DID take the 17-year-old stripper off your resume as a personal reference, didn’t you? Even after the ice-cube-nine-iron incident, I still think it’d be a bad idea…

kathi said @ 10/27/2003 10:25 PM CST

Another phrase that doesn’t lend itself well to resumes “I’m so freakin’ smart it makes me crap my pants.”

fredlet said @ 10/27/2003 04:45 PM CST

– teamwork (long as I’m in charge)
– flexible (depends on her birthday)
– detail oriented (see previous Virgo)
– self-motivated (yeah, right)

astrofishy said @ 10/27/2003 03:26 PM CST

imperative key phrases to use, even if it means lying:

– teamwork
– flexibility
– detail-oriented
– self-motivated

currently out of commission said @ 10/27/2003 02:34 PM CST

I am NOT a psycho. I’m an astrologer. get it straight, white boy.