ama-what? (i’ll never go back if i have my way)

yeah, this bit from twenty-one years ago HAS been rerun…

…and here it is again!

04/26/2003: “amarillo by evening”

on the road again…why the FUCK am i on the road again? to have my dogs watched, i must impose upon my friends; now why the FUCK am i out on the road again? (sorry for bastardizing your lyrics, willie, but it had to be done…) yes, from the same people who sent me to tulsa and alexandria, la (i have to confess, the florida detour was ALL my own doing) comes the five day, four night, scary-ass truck stop laden run to DENVER. and i’ve only done leg one…

to amarillo

and the only thing scarier THAN amarillo is the ROAD to amarillo. ’cause it’s nothing but barren west texas and north texas nothingness dotted with little towns who’s high school got to state back in ’83 and there’s still signs (some freshly painted) to remind you of it. it’s an area of our state where sane folk and mobile signals down-right REFUSE to go. and i had to trek through it yesterday. okay, so maybe it’s not as deliverance-esque as pretty much all of louisiana.

the original plan was so elegant in it’s simplicity that it just HAD to fail. i was gonna drive up here for the first day so i could have dinner with my dad who i NEVER get to see…but he’s out of town this weekend. then, the company agreed to let me BRING someone, with them covering all the expenses, just to keep me sane. but nobody could take the time off of work. then a NEW plan was concocted where a friend with a voucher to kill was gonna fly up to amarillo, and hang from there…but she had family drop in from out of town. add all that to the fact that i HATE driving cargo vans, and have to pick up a shit load of stuff (that’s twice an ass load, if you know your terms) and so i reserved a suburban. come friday morning, they didn’t have one. now, the night before i had joked with my friend jen that as long as it was a gm truck and any color BUT red i would be okay, as long as the cd player worked.

i ended up with a FORD expedition. bright RED. an “expediddy” as the enterprise guy called it. and i WISH i was making that up. but the cd player DOES work, so i guess the musical fates like me. the others i’m not so sure.

i just hope the damn thing holds as much as i need it to, ’cause if not i’m kinda fucked (not meant in that happy, back-arching way, either…but it’s been so long since that’s happened i’m starting to forget if that’s happy or not). but here’s the way i look at it. i said i wanted a suburban or something that big, and NOT red. enterprise says don’t wander outside of neighboring states with our shit. they bent my rules, so i bend theirs. kinda like last week when i wanted a maxima and ended up with a camry that subsequently ended up in florida instead of louisiana. it’s all about the give and take, folks.

now i’m as much of a pervert as the next guy (probably more so) but the scariest thing about this area of texas (the only real plus the panhandle holds for me is the fact that it is still technically texas soil) is when you’re out on the road, and there’s not a town or stop light or anything for as far as the eye can see, and then for no reason there’s a HUGE building trimmed in green neon with red neon letters that just say “XXX”. you just KNOW that this is the type of place where abductions originate. this is where the fun part of your life ends and the part that later becomes a dateline undercover investigation begins. where you’ve never run so fast as when a clerk with dental work straight out of the apalaichan dental school and bait shop comes up and ask you, “do you like to party?”. so many social engagements, so little time…

needless to say, i haven’t ventured into those sort of places. should i do it for my loyal readers? just as research? the only amarillo recommendation kramer could make was the strip clubs, which i was too tired to face after the drive in. i’ll probably have to on the way back through in a couple of days, though…an all nude joint in amarillo texas named “beaver’s” is just too material-rich to pass up.

Replies: 3 Comments

yeah, welcome to the barren wasteland of my childhood. but frankly, there’s something hallucinatorily cool about seeing the downward curvature of the earth because it was so FUCKING flat on 40 through Amarillo. just don’t LIVE there.

fredlet said @ 04/27/2003 03:47 PM CST

absinthe makes the heart grow fonder

astrofishy said @ 04/26/2003 06:30 PM CST

I take it back. The ACLU has all the help it needs right now.
I really think you ought to volunteer for the National Organization for Women. Tell them you’ll be a bodyguard during their demonstrations–it would make pretty effective use of the tats, piercings, human bulldog thing, AND you’d meet some chicks for whom the ‘abstinence only’ thing just doesn’t cut it–which might take care of one of the other things you’ve recently complained about…

the other redhead said @ 04/26/2003 03:08 PM CST

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