a few tips to kick off the month (a flashback)

who knew there were still some twenty-two year old bits that had never been re-run?

here’s one now!

03/01/2002: “Free Government Cash”

okay, so today i pledged to get to work on time (and since i’m writing this at 11:00 at night on thursday, here’s to hoping i actually get there) but at least, i have a job. went out to lunch the other day with a friend who will remain nameless. i paid. as always. know why? he has no job. and lately he feels hassled…’cause the state wants him to go out and fill out FIVE job applications a week.

the bastards!!!!

so, he’s all worried. “DUDE”, he exclaimed over his third buffet plate, “if i fill out FIVE a week, i might get HIRED!!!” (tip–always take your poor friends to all-you-can-eat places…if you gotta pay, might as well make it worth your bucks, right?)

if he gets hired, he’s gonna have to shave. and bathe. and give up that habit of catching all THREE jerry springer broadcasts a day. and maybe both simpson’s. this thought made him almost cry. i know he reads this site…and some of y’all might be sick of work. so here are a five tips to get through the application process, and NOT get hired.

1. under, “most recent job experience”, put down, “amateur pharmacist / herbalist…till i got busted”
2. on all your personal references, but down all female names, including a column for their “stage names”
3. list your only hobby/special interest as “partying”
4. when they ask if there are day’s you can’t work, put down, “monday–that’s my probation day, and i have to spend all morning drinking that urine cleaner and water”
5. use crayon to write down your educational experience.

i’m sure i’ll come up with more…if you can think of any, email them to me….i gotta get to sleep, or i won’t make it tomorrow..and i hate to have to use my own shit…

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