wow – i was timely! (a flashback)

who knew i kept up with current events so early on in my thirties? this was published the day after columbia’s unfortunate demise…

02/02/2003: “whatever you do, don’t try to pawn it!!!”

yesterday a dream of mine came crashing to the ground. if i may showcase my inner geekdom for a second, i was one of many kids who wanted to be an astronaut when i grew up. had no interest in being on a rocket. oh no, FAR too phallic for me, and i have no insecurities in that anatomical area…although some would argue that putting metal through it is trying to create my own “crotch rocket”, those people are undeniably oblivious to the whole destruction of the aerodynamics principle. but let’s move on…

no sir…i wanted to be on the space shuttle. the space shuttle columbia was first launched when i was a kid, and that was a big deal. it was sleek. it was cool. i had toys of it and models of it and posters of it and i wanted to ride in it. if i had grown up rich, i SO would have gone to space camp in houston. but then my voice changed, i decided i didn’t really like science all that much, and so i ended up in radio and such. go figure. plus, when they started coming out with more than ONE space shuttle, it didn’t seem as cool anymore. but i never forgot who was the O.S. (original shuttle). and it saddened me to hear about it burning up on re-entry.

but that wasn’t ALL that saddened me. oh no.

what REALLY saddened me was hearing nacadoches and palestine and jasper and other chunks of the deliverance-inspired communities near the LA border (NOT los angeles) referred to as “central texas” on cnn. what the fuck?

now look here.

any self-respecting i35 corridor texan KNOWS where central texas is. it’s just north of us. it’s temple. it’s waco. it’s killeen, and the biggest god damned military installation the free world has to offer. that’s why we’re referred to as SOUTH central texas (and never mind tons of our caucasian males getting roped into the rap lifestyle and thinking they’re “hard” when they hear dr. dre talk about how rough it is in south central like he’s talking about new braunfels and not compton…he means south central LOS ANGELES, kids…sorry. but, i digress…).

but the point is (yes, i DO have one) east texas is NOT central texas. not by a long shot. hell, they’re closer to being louisianans than one of us. ask anybody…picture a cross between the guys bobby from the waterboy went to high school with and your typical springer topic family. THAT’S closer to east texas, for the most part. where nothing says loving like marrying your cousin. where people who go to the dentist are looked at as “uppity”. where the presence of swarms of federal vehicles yesterday combing the davy crocket national forest looking for chunks o’ shuttle had shitloads of people throwing camo tarps over stills and hiding in the neighbor’s bunker that’s basically just an old school bus he buried back in the summer of ’99 prepping for when y2k hit and the whole place went shit house.

and yes, josh, i know not ALL of them are that way. but everyone cnn seemed to talk to yesterday was…

“gawl dang…we were just lookin’ up and heard this loud boom and saw this little trail in the sky. the boom rattled the whole trailer and ‘ma just yelled, ‘sweet jesus…it’s the rapture upon us!!!’ and ran screaming outside nekid…”

okay, so maybe that’s not EXACTLY what was said. but you get the idea. east and central just aren’t the same. now, they did later correct it; but for those who only caught the earlier broadcast i wanted to make sure we were all clear.

and if you DO find a chunk o’ shuttle, don’t try and touch it. or go sell it for money. or try and start a religion based on this offering from the sky. actually, given the waco factor, i guess that last one might be a little more central texan than east.

but the cnn guy was too funny.

so, he’s trying to talk to east texans to tell them about the shuttle bit…and used large scientific terms for the fuel mixture, and phrases like “great peril” if you were to try and touch it. talk about not knowing your audience. just call it “nasty shit”. or better yet, just tell ’em it’ll inhibit you from drinking and make you lust after the idea of branching off your family tree. that oughta do it.

Replies: 2 Comments

(shamelessly lifted elsewhere)

A teacher asks her class where Jesus was born. Little Bubba raised his hand….


“No, it wasn’t Damascus.”


“No, it wasn’t Carthage, it was Palestine.”

“Shoot, I knew it was someplace in East Texas.”

astrofishy said @ 02/03/2003 06:18 PM CST

I was (and am) going to write about this very thing…

Nice to meet you, finally.

timbrat said @ 02/02/2003 10:49 PM CST

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