dr. sean (swimwear edition – a flashback)

people used to seek me out for relationship advice…

…which now that i’m happily married, makes sense. back then, it made ZERO sense…

08/20/2003: “”the tube shoot of love” (not a slang term for fucking)”

how many of you have found yourself in this situation?

you’re not really wanting to be alone, but you’re not wanting the confines of a relationship either. it’s not like you’re out carousing the bars on a nightly basis or slipping your number to random hooter’s girls when you go in to grab some wings (in fact, that’s all you grab while there). but you’re just not wanting to be anybody’s boyfriend. or girlfriend. or whatever.

but you’re not wanting to be alone, either.

i’ve found a LOT of people in my world are in this situation…

whether you’re fresh out of a divorce…or that bitch stomped on your heart…or that asshole pawned your shit and ran off with the slut who used to do your nails. whatever the situation, commitment, or thoughts thereof, hurts. a lot. makes you run like a french man from a thundercloud. but at the same time, who the fuck wants to wonder who that second ticket to see whoever at verizon wireless amphitheater is gonna go to when you instinctively buy two off the website ’cause you don’t wanna be one of those lonesome losers at the show?

there in lies the dilemma. or as i call it, “the tube shoot of love”.
(you knew the title would make sense eventually, right?)

it’s like this…have you ever been to schlitterbahn*?

(*if not from central texas, or at least familiar with central texas, insert WaterWorld, SplashTown, H2O House, or whatever water park you’ve been to…)

if you have, and you’ve been on a tube shoot, you know that at some point during the longer tube shoots, there’s a kind of tide pool where you try and stay in the current so you can keep progressing down the ride. but inevitably some fat kid in a tube WAY too small for him plows into you and knocks you into that little whirlpool area of the tide pool where you kinda move up, then back, then up, then back, and stay in the same comfortable area but never really progress down the shoot and finish the ride until you swim your ass into the current and shoot out of there.

the people i described in the relationship scenario intentionally swim into the whirlpool and wanna chill there. a while. probably a long while. not a problem. unless the OTHER person in their pool is not content, and starts swimming towards the current. and dragging their tube along. this is where the choppy water starts.

(how many hydro-analogies am i allowed here?)

see, if you wanna be a pool squatter (not meant as bad as it sounds) you have to find yourself ANOTHER pool squatter, and all should go well. the problem is the FAKE pool squatters, or people who bust out of their pool squatting phase before you want to…and feel you need to “grow with them”. this can happen at any time, depending on who you’re squatting with, and basically comes with the phrase (although not always said in quite this way)…

“why we bullshitting?”

“we hang out. we have fun. we fuck well. we play well together. your friends like me. i tolerate yours. so, why we bullshitting? let’s make this official…”

“because i’m not ready…”

and that is where the honeymoon ends…except it never WAS a honeymoon, because there was never a real “relationship” there…at least not on paper. or at least not that you’d “declare”, in the u.s. customs sense of the phrase. and then you have to make a decision…to float there alone and wait for the next fat kid to bump someone else into your pool, or to swim for the rapids even though you’re not quite ready to do it…

(and no fair bribing the aforementioned rotund youth with funnel cakes and such)

can you ever actually be happy in this situation? sure…but you just have to find the right person to share your pool with….a no pressure, no hurry, “fuck it, let’s just float here and chill” kinda person. and until then, just realize that one half of your chill pool is gonna seem like a revolving door…if revolving doors could float.

or you could always say, “fuck it”…and go for the fat kid.

Replies: 5 Comments

hey now, elle, no need to bring up the schlitterbahn thing. you got me. good. let it go.

sean (what was that?) said @ 08/22/2003 01:17 PM CST

does being a “pool squatter” give you and “aqua-enima” like the up-hill water-coasters???

(and cotton candy? c’mon… everybody knows fat kinds are all about the twinky.)

elle said @ 08/21/2003 04:55 PM CST

no more than my usual scarred and scabbed self…why do you ask?

sean said @ 08/20/2003 12:34 PM CST

cotton candy, you gotta use cotton candy…

Harold said @ 08/20/2003 12:11 PM CST

damn sean, are you having emotional issues today?in my opinion, if the ride sucks, say “fuck it” get out and walk!its better than urinating in everyone else’s gene pool.

shane said @ 08/20/2003 10:12 AM CST

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