so, in january 2003 (eighteen years ago!) i was in denver on business for a few weeks. due to the pace, only two bits got writ over two weeks…
…and each were entitled “the sack shriveling chronicles” based on the temperature of colorado in january. this was the third, so the title is…
01/28/2003: “the return of the sack”
This was written on the flight BACK from Denver a couple of weeks ago…but the laptop gave me issues, so it was kinda “trapped” there. But now I’ll slap ya in the face with it…try not to get any on you…unless you’re into that kinda thing. Yeah, ya like that don’t ya bitch? Sorry…got caught up in the moment there. And now, to a time not so long ago, to a patch of sky somewhere over west texas…
first, why the long pause between parts two and three? no, i’m not trying to emulate some movie sequel bullshit. it’s just that the first installment was on my way OUT to denver, the second after a long day where we didn’t feel like going out. then came the other days, where we realized that booze and such were good ways to wrap up those long days…but not good ways to get things written on your web page. never mind that now.
where did we leave off, anyway? wednesday? does that sound right?
boulder, denver, colorado springs…it all started to look the same to me, just the mountains around me changed. so work trips go sometimes. i pulled a twelve hour day monday, eleven and a half tuesday, twelve wednesday, thirteen on thursday, and then friday was my “short day” with only ten hours of work. fuck ALL this. just see if my phone even gets answered on sunday. but thursday had it’s high points, and i’m not just speaking of colorado elevation. i finally found GOOD mexican food in the rocky mountain state. it’s in castle rock. and it’s called grumpy gringo. i am NOT making that up. i have the hat to prove it and everything (and as per your request josh, yes, you have a shirt).
on thornton, on parker, and greenwood village, too. when all i do is work, and deal with albertson’s, and spend the day fixing things, i really don’t have jack squat to write about. but THEN we decided to see if the diamond cabaret was all it was cracked up to be. we walk in and porn star jasmine st. claire is on stage. next thing i know, i’m pouring candle wax on her nipples in front of a raucous crowd. and the prime rib wasn’t bad either.
our waitress (all 4’10” of her) was a psych major working towards her masters. she spent long periods of the evening psycho-analyzing the dancers, other waitresses, and ms. anal 2002 in particular (a title ms. st claire achieved by recieving three simultaneous deliveries in her ‘service entrance’, a feat that boggled our imagination…how do you situate THREE guys to all…well….i still don’t get it..but keep in mind this is also the woman who was once done by 500 guys in a 24 hour period…a record since shattered, although i don’t know what the new number is…or why anyone would want it) sweet girl none the less, and she gave me (and justin) hugs on our way out the door and told me to have a safe trip. awwww….but back to catherine, the waitress. she and i were chatting about people in general, and it hit me. i came up with a theory that may surprise a few, as most of my ideas tend to. and it goes a little something like this…
we intellectuals are ruining the world.
we are. tis true. and i’ll tell you why…we tend to only fuck our own.
intelligent people are typically drawn to intelligent people. that’s not to say some dumb as hell hot thing isn’t gonna get tapped every once in a while, but overall, we tend to keep to our own. especially when it comes to long-term, “hey, let’s have kids and shit” types of relationships. you get a bright guy and a bright girl together, and next thing you know, bright kids. but that takes TWO of us out of the running for others, so what does that leave? next thing you know, the lava lamp’s going in the trailer, the frederick’s thong is lying on the padded foot board of the water bed, and pour some sugar on me is blaring from the boom box…nine months later, and they’re having to rethink their sophomore year in high school ’cause now they’re a threesome. and not in that stripper fantasy threesome sort of way. smart people tend to have smart kids, er go stupid people must tend to have stupid kids, right? of course, they also tend to hear the phrase “er go” and think it’s a new nike shoe. but never mind that now.
if only a few of us smarter ones would take one for the team we could start to level the curve a bit. i don’t know if i could take it on the long term, ’cause no matter how hot you look naked, eventually i’m gonna wanna actually TALK to you…and if that makes the magic go away, we have a problem. but i have a plan, and this is where the REAL controversy starts.
operation “DUMB FUCK”. where we smart guys go out and fuck the hell out of the ditziest skanks we can find. all in the name of improving the human race, of course. purely for scientific purposes. no pleasure will be drawn from this. we may LOOK like we’re enjoying ourselves, but we’re really not…it’s all just for the benefit of everyone involved. make it seem more real and all. mullet not required, boys. but it may help the cause more. same can be said for a camaro or trans am. but once again, i digress. hell, if we’re REALLY bright we’ll find out a way to write this off on our taxes. some sort of charity exemption. and with that, we have the extra money to help out with the raising of thurston billy ray bob junior. remember, he’s only looking at a fifty-fifty chance of getting a good scholarship. am i sounding to elitist here?
…and was this worth waiting for?
2021 note – 2006, over three years after this bit came out, saw the release of “idiocracy” AND me purchasing a camaro…coincidence?
Replies: 7 Comments
Hey, I’ve been doing my share to implement this concept with the male half of the population for decades!
— Trailer Park Girl
dragonfly jenny said @ 01/31/2003 10:02 AM CST
OH this is good!
Melissa said @ 01/29/2003 11:20 PM CST
“we intellectuals are ruining the world.”
are you kidding me? have you SEEN the chimp in office?
fredlet said @ 01/29/2003 02:55 PM CST
are you sure nurture vs. nature won’t level the curve? I’m not trying to keep you from getting laid, but dude, are you ready for the constant care of kids (and dealing with Lurlene’s 40 brothers, sisters and cousins) ?
Can you afford all the paternity suits that skanky-ho’s will riddle the justice system with?
fredlet said @ 01/29/2003 02:36 PM CST
Brilliant idea. I am, naturally, volunteering to offer my services – for the cause, of course.
astrofishy said @ 01/29/2003 08:09 AM CST
Hey, you’ll probably find this amusing…years ago i wrote a song, “Dumb Fuck”..you might say it was the price I paid for “taking one for the team.” 🙂
Greg said @ 01/29/2003 02:39 AM CST
It was MORE than worth waiting for!
Da Goddess said @ 01/29/2003 02:30 AM CST