close enough for government work (a flashback)

i will quickly mention the title is in reference to this not quite being perfectly dated for today, and NOT the subject matter…

…and i mention that for two reasons:

1. there were actually two bits 12/19/2002, and this was the latter, so it was probably 12/20 somewhere


2. the bit has a title where “close enough…” won’t do since it’s called…

12/19/2002: “…and you can pee on it!!!”

i was thinking about this over lunch today and thought i’d share (and at the same time show why i should not be left alone for long periods of time). i’ve seen tons of mtv cribs episodes, and plenty of lifestyles of the rich and famous before that. i’ve seen every outlandish home thing you can think of…from heff’s “bed” room (where the whole floor is actually a mattress) to tommy lee’s in house starbuck’s set up. through it all, we see the bling-bling of the bling-blingest, and it seems there’s one thing i would put in a house i was designing that all of hollywood and the like never even thought of (not even master p), and i don’t know why…

a urinal.

how simple is that? now, i know a lot of my readership is female. and you see the impracticality of putting a urinal in a home design…i mean, what the fuck does a woman need urinal for? and you’ve got a point. but let me break it down to you like this…if your house DID have a urinal, let’s look at what you’re house most likely WOULDN’T have anymore…

1. those spots around the base of the toilet from where things just kind of trailed off….
2. the wetness on the seat from when someone “didn’t quite wake up”
3. the sprayage on the back of the tank from when someone’s buddy had too much beer
4. the seat being in the upright and locked position EVER

that’s right. i think that should be a fair trade. if you DO design a bathroom with a urinal, then the toilet seat should be permanently mounted in the “down” position.

it’s only fair.

and for cleanliness (and height discrimination’s) sake, a home-based urinal should be like the ones a lot of mcdonald’s have (and a lot of schools when i was growing up) where the bottom of it is actually at floor level (or a little below) therefore giving you the guilty pleasure of feeling like you’re pissing on the floor, but with no mess to clean up afterwards.

if you are of the “bling-bling” variety, take a hint from chili’s (and hooter’s, and countless others) and put a little something over it to where it’s eye level. THEY have a framed and mounted local sports page or usa today. i say go upscale and flush mount a 13″ trinitron. that way you can run to hit the head during a normal time out, and not miss an important play while you’re “recycling” your beer. leave that whole “piss during the commercials” thing to the peasants, or “toilet pissers” as you can then refer to them. plus, during the super bowl, the commercials are some of the coolest EVER…why miss ’em if you don’t have to?

that way the bowl stays clean and pristine for her royal coolness when her needs arise (unless nature buzzes you on line two, of course) and she never has to do that seat feel thing at 3:00 am. honestly, could it GET any better than this? who the fuck needs a bidet, anyway? that second water pipe could be put to SUCH happier uses.

Replies: 3 Comments

If we are talking about true bling-bling, would it not make even MORE sense to go ahead, deny her access to the “urinal room” and set it up as an arcade booth a la Megaplexxx? And what exactly do yo mean with the whole “flush mounted TV”? with the urinal? what does the operation of the urinal have to do with the TV?

Harold said @ 01/01/2003 11:46 AM CST

Sir, my bra’s off to you!

As the owner of a small male child, I’ve had daily (sometimes multiple times per day) bouts with the fucking bleach spray to clean up what the adorable, and oh-so-unstranglable, demon leaves me in the bathroom. You have given me the solution to my problem.

With that, I’m off to clean the bathroom once again, this time braless, in your honor.


Da Goddess said @ 12/20/2002 06:37 PM CST

i’ve always said i wanted a urinal. and yes, they should be on the floor. all urinals should be on the floor.

josh said @ 12/19/2002 10:35 PM CST

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