like there really is such a thing…
…but here it is.
and it’s funny. and all true. and filling this slot since it’s a holiday weekend so i ran an extra repeat bit. i promise i won’t do this again…until the week between xmas and new year’s, when i ALWAYS do it. but till then…
kiss my can
by sean ~ April 21st, 2004. Filed under: Uncategorized.
sure, we can ALL bitch about how hard it is to dispose of a dead body…
(hey – where are you going? don’t be scared – i’m going somewhere with this)
but you know what else is cumbersome, annoying, stinks up your kitchen, and is ALSO a bitch to dispose of?
a kitchen trash can. this was just seriously retarded.
first off, i got the bright idea to replace the stinkin’ thing (not censoring myself on that one – it fits in more than one way) when i was at HEB one night after ‘working” in the tattoo joint all evening (in quotes because i do very little and get no pay). the thing i HADN’T thought of was that i had walked about four blocks to HEB because it was a nice night out – but a nice night for a stroll does NOT mean a nice night to stroll back four blocks carrying a kitchen trash can while drunken college kids drive by and scream, “hell yeah, dude!!! trash can punch!!! that’s what i’m talking about!!!”.
oops. i suppose these things happen.
but the real fun came when i had to throw the old can away. i just set it out by the curb, with the bag of trash still in it, amongst all the larger garbage bags from yard work. well, of course, the trash crew (not exactly the mensa family) grabbed all the big bags, plus the little one out of the trash can, and left the can.
that one i see as my fault.
but in my neighborhood the trash is picked up both on tuesdays AND on fridays. so that friday, since i really didn’t have any trash to speak of, i just set the can out by the curb solo as trash. of course, the crew de garbage thought that i had just forgotten to take the can in, so they just knocked it on it’s side to show they had touched it and moved on.
and thus ended week one of trying to get rid of the damn thing. on to week two…
on tuesday of last week i had a lot of stuff to toss because i had FINALLY cleaned out the closets in my bedroom, plus a bunch of boxes out of the hall closet (i apparently have inherited my mother’s pack rat gene, but i am trying to exorcise it slowly but surely). i had four large bags, so i just lay the white trash can across the top of them, kinda thinking, “hey look – it’s a trash sundae and the white can is the cherry on top!”
they left the cherry.
that friday i decided to make it a no-brainier…even thought i HAD trash, i didn’t put any out, and instead put out JUST the white can – but i wrote down the side of it in HUGE letters:
i am trash!!! please take me away!!!
(i got the idea from the pickup line my friend used to meet her husband in a beer joint just outside of lockhart, but never mind that now)
i came back to a the white trash can in the driveway…writing side UP, no less. now they were just toying with me…plus, you all read about the condition i was in when i got home on the last entry, right? moving along…
so today, i had an epiphany – i took the bag out of the new kitchen trash can, and since that was all i had, put in the old kitchen trash can…then i took the old kitchen trash can and put IT in a 45 gallon contractor’s trash bag, and twist tied the bag shut.
now, if i could only figure out where to dump this damn body i have to get rid of…