helping the masses, one lame tune at a time (a throwback)

it’s nice to know that even sixteen years ago i was giving back to the world…

…DAMN, i am a sweetheart like that, ain’t i? *sniff*

06/20/2003: “pounce the gazelle”

so, for my birthday night, i had good chinese, a nice leggy date, and a show stuffed with white people; but in the middle of all the caucasianess i came up with an idea that can help a lot of my readers out. a lot of my single, male readers. sorry, ladies…

creed. train. matchbox 20. (the latter of which is where i ended up last night…hey, at least that rob thomas guy and that WAY overplayed song helped kick start santana’s career again, right?). all a bunch of whiney white boys that are a bit too in touch with their feminine side for my everyday tastes. i’ll admit some of that first matchbox album had merit…as did the first (and before it was overplayed, the second) album from sugar ray, who was the opener. but lead boy mark mcgrath went a little TOO generic with his crowd pumping antics. he talked up the spurs, and smiled sheepishly as the crowd roared. hate to break it to you mark, but the kkk could get a standing ovation in s.a. if they talked up the spurs…that town loves their nba champs. as well they should.

then, he dedicated the song fly to “all the people over in iraq still fighting the war”. fair enough. but he went and asked the crowd, “how many of y’all know someone in the military?” dipshit, this is san anfuckingtonio. their are 487 military bases in the city. wanna hit a small demographic? ask if someone DOESN’T know someone who’s worn camo for a living.

we walked in during sugar ray’s set, and all was dark (but DAMN the seats were good…not as good as the last show i went to there (seventh row floor), but DAMN good none the less…arranged because my date’s mom’s boss’s daughter is a radio contest fiend and had TWO sets of free tickets.) but when the house lights came on, i noticed three very distinct things:

1. despite my letters and petitions, backless halter tops are still available in plus sizes.

2. this crowd was FAR from ethnically diverse. i’ve never seen that many white people in a large room since the last time i caught c-span.

3. not a lot of single guys there.

and that’s when it hit me. this is THE most “target rich environment” (in the terms of a certain anonymous colleague). there are TONS of single girls (usually in groups of no more than three). and after the emotionally “touching” lyrics of the band start to melt in, and they see all the couples around them, they get to wanting some company. THAT is your cue. much like the lion waits by the watering hole for the gazelle to come and drink. the gazelle’s throat need not go dry, and neither should your happy stick. yours just won’t have results as tragic as the gazelles…unless you REALLY fuck this up. the next estrogen-x fest will be later in the summer at the verizon wireless ampitheater in selma – counting crows and john mayer opening. you KNOW there will be more single women there than any of you know what to do with. hell, enough to where I might even run out of ideas…

wait…scratch that last one. that is SO not possible.

here’s a few lines to try to “relate”:

1. they’re edgy, but not too edgy, ya know?

2. i like the way {the lead singer} can be so sensitive, yet still be manly…

3. their lyrics just really speak to me

4. i like just throwing their new on on a rainy afternoon when i’m at home alone

5. at least they’re not one of those bands angry for no reason

6. they just rock…

or be creative. just seem sensitive and vulnerable, but not in a “i do hair for a living” kinda way. you should be fine. now go forth and conquer…but then make her scream MY name. you OWE that to me…

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