i ain’t foolin’ – phuk paramount on demand

i used to do bullshit bits on april first as an online april fool’s joke back in the whore days…

…but today i come to you with a public service announcement:

don’t ever…ever…ever ever ever…record anything or watch anything on paramount network on demand (formally spike network).


there was a richard pryor special they ran recently that i missed. when i went looking for it it was ONLY on demand, and showed an hour and two minute run time. do you know how long it takes to watch? over two hours – and you CAN’T shorten that unless you wanna just miss actual content. mid-sentence, with some of the shittiest editing on the planet, the show will cut off for commercial break and not let you fast forward through the commercials.

that’s not unusual with basic cable’s on demand shit. SOMEBODY’S gotta pay for it, ya know.

but this is different – the clock on the program actually STOPS and it runs these spots – all fifteen to thirty seconds, and it just repeats between about five of them (keto diet at walgreen’s, breast cancer awareness, the scan you can get to detect lung cancer, nobody finished their high school diploma journey on their own, and a really annoying don’t text and drive one) sometimes running the same spot two to three times in a row, for six to seven minutes for every six to seven minutes of programming.

think about that – six minutes of show, then six minutes of commercials. every six minutes. for the whole program…well, until the end. they cut to the last break with less than sixty seconds of show left and ran (i timed it) THIRTEEN MINUTES OF COMMERCIALS after only six minutes of program before they’d let you watch the last sixty seconds. and it was still those same five spots over and over again.

so, um…yeah. fuck paramount on demand – that shit ain’t never gonna happen again.

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