if i knew then what i know now

i’d like to think that, even as a young dude, i was pretty quick witted…

…but i know i’m more so today.

at least i thing i am.

so, this weekend the boy tried shaving for the first time. all went well that saturday eve – no cuts, razor burn, nothing. to little tissue paper squares required. but then came sunday. oh, sunday. again, no cuts, no razor burn, nothing. no hair either. typically the goal of shaving, that is. but in this case he was trying his first shot at manscaping. and the target of that shot? his eyebrows.

[this is where a pic would be if i was a shittier parent or wanted some shit to drum up at his wedding reception later in life]

i told him kids WOULD make this a thing at school, but the question he would get most was, “what happened?!?” and he needed to give them an answer…but never the same one twice.

(i also told him no matter HOW pretty the mexican girl was that offered not to let her draw them back on for him, but that’s an entry for another time)

but later it occurred to me – what if i had done this? what would i tell people happened, especially if i was trying to vary my stories? i decided i would try and come up with some snappy comebacks for this one if i was in his shoes, but nothing i came up with would fall into the “junior high appropriate” level of comments, ’cause i would say shit like…

“your mom’s pube stubble rubbed em off when she was riding my face – ain’t that bitch ever heard of waxing?!?”


“this weekend i learned meth cooking ain’t for everybody – time to find a new summer internship!”

but beyond that i had nothing. what’s nice is this wasn’t just a shaving lesson, i’ll bet it was a life lesson. something tells me we won’t have to say this lecture twice – the reaction of junior high kids for the week prior to spring break should suffice.

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