fatherhood fail! (NOT me!)

i admit i’m relatively new to the fatherhood thing…

…unless dogs count. but county folk tend to get involved when you shove your human child in a crate for a couple hours for disobeying you i’m told, so i’ll stick to that original view.

anywho, as a father i gotta figure there are moments when you realize, despite your best efforts (or possibly lack thereof) you failed. bad. like when you find out all those years of gymnastics lessons payments and “no sleep in saturdays” only gave your little princess the skills to do THIS with her life:


and tonight i think we witnessed the son version – all ’cause my beautiful wifey is open to advertising suggestion.

we were “running errands” during the boy’s mma class when an ad came on one of the flat screens over the bar about “lobsterfest” at red lobster. this was right after we were informed that our usual thursday night “pizza night” at said establishment with the “three dollar you-call-it’s” special was now going to be steak and green beans with five dollar glasses of WINE.

we’ll miss that place.

but the lobster fest caught my beloved’s eye, so off to lobster fest we went after his class…and another quick note – “lobster fest” means they have lots of lobster dishes, not like they’re on sale or anything. that was apparent REALLY quickly. what was ALSO apparent was that the table next to us was gonna give me a pretty solid bit. it was a dad who looked a bit older than me (although given his kid he might have been the same age as me but “aged”) with his collegiate aged boy in an ill-fitting blazer and slacks and bad hair and shoddy beard growth that had me referring to him as “patch adams” (sorry, robin) on the way home.

but the appearance was only part of the equation…

no, the monologue spouted by this über dork (not meant to say he drives around people for money, i might add) was classic pseudo bravado trying to win his pops over…unsuccessfully, going off the lack of responses and tone…until the “oh shit, i fucked up!” moment, but we’ll get to that in a sec. this kid was bragging about all the dates he went on (“four last month…not bad, right?”) and that he tries to only go out with girls that are ages twenty-three to thirty, and only a “six” or above…

(all female readers outside of this age range should now breathe a sigh of relief that they’ve been “eliminated” against their will from this)

he was realistic, though – interjecting that if he met a three, but she just seemed perfect for him, he would make an exception. see, ladies – he’s a giver! then he started asking about dad’s girlfriend (my guess is mom raised him, but never helped him with his game?) and, more specifically, dad’s girlfriend’s DAUGHTERS, talking about how he would be more than happy to drive a few hours since he has four day weekends every week (a tuesday-thursday class schedule will do that to you…lord knows i tried to do that a couple semesters, but inevitably there would be that one class that was only offered monday-wednesday-friday) and that he could always just sleep on the daughter’s couch or something. keep in mind this is his offer to a woman he’d never fucking met. then he pulls out his phone and started asking what her name was…dad innocently mumbled it and then you saw a bit of reality click in with pops as he looked up in horror as his son said, “okay, cool – i just sent her a friend request on facebook…so now we can double date or something?”.

that’s when dad knew he fucked up. bad.

there was lots more of juicy dialogue i’m missing due to me being on the opposite side of the booth – but the ufc was RIGHT there. babe, feel free to add any juicy bits in the comments…

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