star whores

let’s not mince words – even amish septuagenarians know the new star wars movie opened last week…

and so we present:


seriously – i expect some toy tie ins, and the obligatory fast food one, and of course these days you’ll have a video game or several, but fucking hell – it’s literally everywhere. for example:

dodge that blaster – the millennium falcon. x-wing fighters. THOSE are star wars vehicles. a dodge charger? not so much. why the fuck did they have to make a stormtrooper edition charger? because star whores, that’s why.

watch out, young padowin – a fast food tie-in is expected these days with any movie with merchandise potential, and the star wars franchise, let’s face it, revolutionized what we think of for movie merch potential. but fucking subway? seriously? at the heart of it, this IS a movie for kids…made by disney…and the restaurant chain with the spokesperson that got sent up for kiddy diddling is where you go to put out your kids meals? what the fuck?

leia was all natural, damn it – i know the majority of star wars fans are dudes, but there are some girls out there that like it. i get that. but there was NO fucking need for this:


but it happened. but why? because star whores, that’s why.

star dates were the other franchise, asshole – i’m all old and shit, so i actually remember standing in line with my kids group from circle h at the village movie theater (still there, still in operation, but now the “alamo village”) and while i know my generation, and most of the ones after it, are all sorts of excited this is out, at the heart of it all, despite we nostalgic adults, i still consider this a kids movie. when is started this part of the bit, i was going to go after my beloved nixon watches, who started doing some star wars shit that was getting upwards of several hundred bucks…for a fucking star wars watch? that seemed outlandish…well, until i found this:

vader watch

$28,500 – and the scary part? the “ONLY ONE LEFT”?!?! how many did they star with? i’m hoping ONE. why the fuck? because star whores, that’s why.

sorry you racist fucks, but black people survive into the future – there are three things wrong with this picture:


while a lot of people call may 4th “star wars day” and say that’s when the first one came out, it didn’t. it came out memorial day weekend that year, which was more around the twenty-fifth. but these games advertised above AREN’T in may. secondly, the globetrotters have ZERO to do with star wars, past or present. and thirdly, for all who care, they’re not even from harlem. the team was started in the 1920’s in chicago, and their current offices are in phoenix. yeah, major fail here.

and finally…

that ain’t just your lightsaber gleaming – of all folks to get in on the star wars bandwagon, i wouldn’t have guessed this one: kay jewelers. the same lame ass national jewelry chain that brought us jane seymour’s sappy-ass open heart collection now also has a full line of star wars jewelry. yeah, comic geeks – still think you’re all hip and cool for your love of all things vader?

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