break off a piece of ‘dat ass!

it’s amazing what passes for humor in my world…

…and i’ll warn you, this might be disturbing to you.

oh, who the fuck are we kidding – if you read my shit often enough, this won’t surprise you. and if you’re new, welcome! i’d love to say the bits aren’t always this graphic or odd, but i’d be bullshitting you. moving on…

…so, a co-worker is getting all geared up for hemorrhoid surgery. her doctor had originally told her she’d be out of commission for seven to ten days, which she saw as no big deal. but then i told her it would be more like four to six weeks, based on the graphic tales of a close friend that had it done, and sure enough she confirmed with her doctor and when questioned about the discrepancy in timelines he simply responded his initial call was a “best case scenario” and that in truth “he didn’t want to freak her out”. as february and march are the big money months in our industry (tax money) she decided to ride out (hehehe) the early spring and do the surgery a few weeks from now when she was leaving us to go work for a shop her husband was starting up soon anyway.

“originally i saw this coming time off as a mini vay-kay”, she stated. “but then i realized it’s far from…it’s not down time before a new career chapter, or time off with the kids to decompress after the busy season. no, it’s lying around in agonizing pain, popping pills to cope with the overwhelming discomfort, and praying for death…”

well, i said, sometimes you have to look at the positive side…

“POSITIVE SIDE?!?!?”, she exclaimed, “what fucking POSITIVE SIDE? they are literally gonna tear the asshole outta me…well, part of it anyway.”

but there is a positive side, i continued, and it goes back to your adolescence…she probably never told you. she probably never will. mothers rarely own this, or bring it up to their daughters…but deep down, since you were much younger, your mother has had a dream – a dream that one day her little girl would finally abandon those ‘bad boys’ she always chased, like your professional piercer husband, and finally give a piece of ass to a fucking doctor – and in a couple of weeks, honey, you’re gonna do it…literally!!!

she couldn’t stop laughing for three straight minutes…and that, to me, is humor ladies and gentlemen.

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