lazy and historic all at once?

so, since it’s labor day weekend, i decided not to “labor” on this site…

…so you get an extra flashback bit, but times two. i semi-randomly picked a number (my house number is “1309” and the closest to that in archive files is “309”), which is also the street address of one of the shops, oddly enough. and in this case my “random idea” ended up being a bit exactly twelve years old today. ah, they grow up so fast…

back when it was done i kinda did a “too be continued” at the end, which i would do when i either needed material OR thought the bits (that were much longer back then) were getting a bit TOO fucking long.

i believe this was both.

so, here’s both of ’em back to back for your sunday reading pleasure, assuming you’re reading this on sunday:

08/31/2002: “two floaters, too much time on my hands, and two blondes at once” AND 09/01/2002: “another time (i.e. the blondes, etc, etc)”

there are certain words that can make a man’s heart race. enough to where you can SEE the pulse go up without having to touch one of the “pulse-check points” (forgive my ignorance of the medical term but i bet one of you throws it in the comments section). a few examples:

from the ferrari dealer:

“tell ya what…the manager’s out of town, so if you WANT to just take it out for a couple of days…”

from your buddy:

“kinda ironic that HE almost choked on a WING, huh? but thanks to my quick thinking and the heimlich, we’ve got all access at ozzfest this year…”

from your girlfriend:

“so me and my friends wanted to see what was so special about this ‘sugar’s’ place, and while i was in there i met this girl named ‘amber’…remember i told you how i’d experimented with my room mate in college? well, amber’s coming over later and…”

or, the one i got from my boss:

“it’s WAY too slow around here today to justify ALL of us being here, and since it’s a three-day weekend ANYWAY, i thought you might just wanna take off at noon; but you’ll still get your full day’s pay…”

in the words of sting, consider me gone. off to the gym, and then off to san marcos. why san marcos? because all the people i had talked to about doing stuff this weekend, and had been ALL sorts of into it, threw voicemail my way when i tried to reach them. sure, since it WAS only 1:15 in the afternoon on a friday, i guess some of them were PROBABLY at work. but that’s beside the point…i didn’t take OFF work to wait till people got off at the normal time. fuck all that. it was time to go be a veg in san marcos.

got to town, got some chinese, and headed downtown with a belly full of surprisingly unsatisfying sesame chicken (i guess we all miss occasionally, huh? by the way – i got THE most inaccurate fortune EVER. check this out (especially funny for those of you who actually know me): “you have a quiet and unobtrusive nature” talk about a big swing and a miss…). hit sundance for a bit (and now have to figure out how to put in an appearance at their twenty-fifth anniversary party AND ozzfest on the same day), and then headed off to hang with harold at the studio, but harold wasn’t there. so, i did what most people CAN’T do in that situation…went to his damn house. he was hungry (for his favorite combo platter….captain and coke) and since he knew that he WOULDN’T be tattooing on anyone later, we went to the river pub to get what he called “the executive lunch”…i.e., minimal appetizers, maximum booze.

the river pub has changed a LOT since the last time i was there (which was admittedly a few years ago). it is SO nice and SO cool…the bottom deck (where we plopped down for the better part of an hour or so) is right level with the river, so it almost looks like people are floating at your feet, but a ways off (booze helps magnify this illusion). and to keep the floating theme alive, i had my stout frozen rita floating in a sea of sauza hornitos tequila…mmmm….good stuff.

when all was said and done, the check was delivered, and harold covered it. he said, “when i’m strapped, YOU cover it; today’s on me…” i wasn’t strapped, so i don’t know what that was about; but i think it was the booze karma kicking in. see, the one person i DID get a hold of on my way to san marcos was james…and in addition to getting invited to a birthday fest at the yellow rose on sunday, i also talked to him about heading out that night; he expressed monetary concerns, so i told him i’d pay (since lord knows i owe him) he was kinda iffy but said he’d let me know. i ran harold up to work and came home…for about forty-five minutes.

that’s when james came to his senses, told me to meet him when he got off the air, and off i went to sugar’s to repay some booze karma…THAT’s where the two blondes came in…but we’ll discuss that another time…


i knew something was wrong when we pulled in the lot. it seemed busy. TOO busy. james and i NEVER have parking issues in the side lot of sugar’s (which is actually the back lot of one of the adjoining office buildings), but tonight we did. “what the fuck?”, i wondered out loud, as we walked up…”oh yeah, dude…” james said, “they’re having some dance contest tonight”.

hold on.

before you get some flashback to me talking about jody splashing milk and such across her jiggly DDs, this was a bit different. this one i had seen on the website. this one had a theme…

“over thirty”

now, before you start INSTANTLY shooting down to the comments section, understand that i LIKE some women over thirty. hell, i love women in general, and have met some damn near PERFECT ones that were over thirty. no issues there at all. and some of the women, from what i saw last night, are much like some of the no longer twenty-somethings i’ve gone out with…like a fine wine, they’ve gotten better with age.

but then there were the OTHER half of the contestants.

the ones that were heavy on the “OVER”, lighter on the “thirty”. like WAY past thirty. one of them i don’t think has seen thirty since 1930. scary, scary stuff. it was when THAT was on stage that james was off at the bar, meaning i had to deal with that SOBER. i think that is actually listed in webster’s dictionary as the third or fourth definition of “SUCK”. but all was on it’s way to getting better soon there after.

proudly, i almost kinda sorta stayed on budget…with the exception of the nacho round i bought, but that was just NEEDED. and once the contestants, and their husbands, kids, co-workers, and one SERIOUSLY scary table of lesbian supporters all headed out, there was actually places we could sit.

highlight of the night? well, two barbie-looking girls got on the stage and danced together. i told james i just NEEDED them to BOTH come grind on me for a sec, if for no other reason then to get a good whore bit out of it. i sauntered up to the stage, and barbie I danced on over. once she got close, i saw she actually wasn’t quite as cute as i gave her credit for…but of course, still WAY do-able. “get your friend over here, too…”, i said. “we don’t really do that often”, she replied, which seemed to be true. then they were getting off stage and barbie III came on. barbie I and barbie II decided to join HER and now we had a VERY eye-pleasing threesome going. at the end of HER two songs, they start to leave, and the best of the bunch, barbie IV came out (proof that OCCASIONALLY the sequel can beat the original). TOO damn fine. and TOO many drinks. i headed for the head, but made it REALLY quick. i walk in back in to see a class reunion..barbie I, II, III, AND IV all together on stage. i instinctively start heading that way, as I & II head off separately to dance for some other guys, and reach in my pocket to find ONE dollar left. i dig it out, look at it like, “shit”, only to see IV gesturing for me to head her way. i walk up in front of her at the same time III walks up behind her. IV had crouched down, knees on either side of my chest, and III started to walk off. IV reached back behind her and held her in place by her calf, and bent over to rub the top of her head against a couple of my more “unmentionable” piercings. III took the hint, rubbed her tits across IV’s ass, then up her back, and finally up in my face as she straddled her. “we’ve wanted to double up on some big, muscular guy all night….thanks”, III purred in my ear before “unmounting” and walking off. IV dragged her rather ample (and artificial) “assets” across my face, and came eye to eye with me. “that was fun”, she said with a wink.

sugar, you said a mouthful. and showed me a couple mouthfuls to boot.

she pulled the thigh string of her thong out, and in went my last dollar. a nice kiss on my ear (and one returned back at her) and back to the table i went. i’ve always said you’ve done SOMETHING wrong if you leave a titty bar with any singles left on you. larger bills are all well and good. but if some singles are left, you did something WRONG.

there was NOTHING wrong about how MY last dollar went out. best dollar i’ve EVER spent.

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