who the hell are you?

since this is the last sixer before halloween…

…and i don’t actually get to do my angus young costume i had planned due to extenuating circumstances (but i AM supposed to be going to see ac/dc on november 6th courtesy of a very generous reader) i figured this would be the only chance i’d get to do something halloweenish in sixer form – so without further ado, i present to you:

six halloween costumes i hope i don’t see

6. michael jackson – whether you try and be somewhat real about it (i.e. black people can only be him up to “thriller”, white folk can take it from “bad” and beyond) or zombie-style let’s just let this one go, okay? plus, to be REALLY accurate you have to chase after little boys and there could be some legal issues there…

5. simpsons or family guy – i love both these shows. almost on a religious level (which is particularly funny to say since the new ones air on sunday night and all). but when you try and BE a cartoon, in costume form, you either come out cheesy and plastic (think wal-mart grade adult costume) or you look like some kind of college mascot (think the outfits they’d wear at a promotional event for your local fox affiliate) and since most folk can’t afford the latter, you just look sad. nobody wants to see a sad looking peter griffin.

4. patrick swayze – even i would find this in poor taste…especially if you spike the ball and try to zombie it out a bit. now, if you happen to take it there, run into somebody that broke out the zombie michael jackson outfit, and a thrilleresque zombie dance battle ensued, that i wanna see!

3. any UFC fighter – UNLESS you can fight, don’t do it. unlike WWE (go nuts with those costumes for all i care) UFC fights are real and if you can’t fight worth a shit this could just get sad. you know what’s worse than chuck liddell on dancing with the stars? chuck liddell getting his ass stomped by some dude cross-dressing as a german beer wench ’cause chuckles grabbed HIS ass. just. not. good.

2. whatever makes you have to answer the question “so what are you supposed to be?” more than half a dozen times – let’s face it…there are two types of parties out there. those that will instantly recognize you’re the elfin wizard prince from “conan the destroyer” and those that won’t. you know your friends. you know which side of the fence you’re on here.

1. anything with the word “slutty” in the title that’s purchased in a plus size – whether you think you look hot as a “slutty nurse” or “slutty cop” or “slutty librarian” or “slutty firefighter” (notice i’m keeping some of these gender neutral so it doesn’t seem like i’m just picking on larger WOMEN here) it’s just not something any of us wanna see. your special somebody likes you in this kind of thing? cool – keep it in the bedroom and scare the neighbors with the noise…but DON’T feel obliged to take it out to a bar…’cause if i’ve been drinking the “filter” goes away and i’ll tell you what i’m really thinking…you DON’T wanna hear that.