gray and cool? yeah, not so hot…

so i guess this is where the depression kicks in?

and whoever says that suffering makes for better art is full of shit. at least from where i’m sitting.

it seems to happen every year – when it starts to get a little cooler, and a little more grey, and the nights get longer i get depressed…and i think i know why:

i’m just kinda tired of always being alone.

i don’t normally go into much emotional shit on this site – i try to keep it light and fun, a little off-color, basically just all entertainment; but occasionally i need to vent, i can’t swing a therapist, and so i do bits like this.

you’ve been warned.

to show my gemini-ness i’m bouncing back and forth between this bit, which really isn’t fun, and one that is. i can’t figure out what it’s gonna take to get my mood back up, but these first two days off after twelve days of work in a row are, partially due to it being rainy and grey, pretty fucking lonely for me. the lack of somebody to talk to is really bringing me down – more than usual…and that makes me wonder if my mood will worsen as we get into yet another solo holiday season. nobody to dress up as the “slutty ‘fill-in-common-profession-or-character-here'” and join me at halloween parties. nobody to wake up to xmas morning? these are all things i thought i’d have by now. shit, it’s all things i’ve thought i’d have recently.

but now? not so sure…

…i guess time will tell.

as a fairly self-contained universe it saddens and angers me that something as central to my world as my overall mood seems to be in the hands of people i spend time with rather than myself. if i could control it better and stay perky even when things get lonely and shit it seems like i’d be happier in SO many ways…but how do you do that? Mom used to always say, “you control your own mood because you CHOOSE how you react to things and people and situations”, but i think that might be kinda bullshit. if we all CHOSE how we reacted we’d all be in better moods – but when you get blind-sided by people you think you know and think you can trust and think have your best interest at heart and you THINK are on the same page as you and it turns out…well…maybe not so much, it just kinda sucks.

and while i suppose you can CHOOSE whether or not these people are in your world you don’t typically let them in knowing they’ll pull a one-eighty on you, it happens once they’re already here and in the “circle of trust” (what movie is that from?) and by the time you figure out their sketchiness, as my friend kristen puts it, then it’s too late and you’re already bleeding…emotionally and metaphorically, i mean. hopefully not physically.

so, i guess the mantra for right how is a hybrid of “what the fuck?” and “time will tell” – and the answers i need to come TO me can’t come FROM me on this one…which kinda sucks.