get ready to cringe (a throwback)

okay, this might just be the most disturbing entry done on this site ever…

…and that’s saying something.

for the record, this WASN’T me. i was told this story. promise. this isn’t like one of those, “okay, so my friend makes apple jacks for breakfast by combining cheeri-O’s and apple vodka – does that mean she has a drinking problem?” kind of situations. this was ACTUALLY a friend, not me…

and for the record that breakfast recipe was given to me by ME, if you know what i’m saying and i think you do…

(see – told you it was fun to pick on you. but back to the TRUE story here…)

the name of my friend who told me this story (and lived it) will be deleted. and NOT because it was me – i don’t think i could EVER do this. keep reading (if you dare and haven’t eaten in the last couple of hours) and you’ll see why. let’s just put it this way…know that when you next read the phrase “ketchup packets” you passed the point of no return…

so, the other day a good friend was awakened by his dogs barking.

been there. done that.

but when he went outside where his dogs live in a dog run, he saw a possum in the middle of the yard hissing at his dogs. wanting to protect them from the possible nasty things that possums can carry (meant in the rabies sense of the phrase, not like they tote rodent porn with them or something…although i guess they might) he grabbed the nearest thing (a pine 2×4) and swung at the possum. he connected and the thing took off running to the edge of the yard. not being one to let things go when his space is invaded, my buddy took off after the varmint and nailed it again just before it scampered up the fence.

and this is where it gets ugly…

(that was your warning. so if you keep reading, you can’t bitch at me. if you’re squeamish, just read the next sentence in bold print and then go on eBay and shop or something…)

it climbed to the top of the fence, gave my buddy the finger, ran off and lived happily ever after

(now for the non-squeamish, or at least grotesquely curious, who are aware that possums don’t HAVE fingers, we shall continue with the real story…)

for those of you NOT from a possum-residing area, they look like big rats with white faces that hang off things by their tails. so, when it climbed over the fence, and saw LOOSE dogs on the other side, it’s survival instinct kicked in, and it hooked it’s tail over the top of the fence so it hung just out of the dog’s reach in my friend’s neighbor’s yard.

but it had not COMPLETELY left my friend’s yard. on my friend’s side of the fence, it’s tail still hung. as did it’s butt. AND it was a male possum.

(last chance to go look for stuff on eBay, kids…)

with last swing of the 2×4 (and,as my friend put it, an internal primal scream of, “NO MORE POSSUM BABIES!!!”) my friend made one last connection between wood and possum (not to be confused with bars in mexican border towns where you pay to connect those two terms in other ways) and the pine did not hit butt nor tail.

just possum scrotum.

and it squished them to where it looked like he had splattered two ketchup packets on the side of his fence.

(you had to wonder how the term “ketchup packets” would come back to haunt you, right?)

now, if my friend was a man hating militant lesbian, i could understand all this. but he’s a GUY. that just ain’t right. i mean, even if al sharpton saw someone kick david duke in the crotch he would cry foul. that just rises above ALL other lines, be them race, creed, color, sexual preference, or species. that’s why calum isn’t “fixed”…i just couldn’t DO that to another guy.

…but this story ain’t over yet.

needless to say, the possum dropped off the fence into the yard with the snarling dogs. and the dogs tore him to shreds. this is how my friend justified all this – that technically the DOGS killed the possum, not him.

wrong answer.

if i was the possum, i would WELCOME death by pit bull, if the alternative was bleeding out where my sack used to hang.

but maybe that’s just me.

what’s the POINT of all this. there isn’t one. it was just the most disturbing thing i’d heard in a LOOOOOOOONG time and i thought i’d share.

and i can promise no more death by neutering stories for the rest of 2k4. or at least i hope i can.

Replies: 7 Comments

Hey, don’t me mean now 🙂

ME said @ 08/02/2004 01:29 PM CST

or the less insane, or the less insured, or the less initiated, or…

sean said @ 08/02/2004 09:54 AM CST

Yeah two of ME could be a problem for those less caffeinated

ME said @ 07/30/2004 11:46 AM CST

yeah, but ya know i love certain pierced parts of my anatomy…it doesn’t mean i want TWO of them!

sean said @ 07/29/2004 06:20 PM CST

Are you complaining? BEST FRIEND??

ME said @ 07/28/2004 04:36 PM CST

like anyone could handle more than one in their life…

sean said @ 07/28/2004 12:47 PM CST

Uh… I didn’t give you that breakfast recipe, but it does sound good. (note to self, try it tomorrow in place of the vodka OJ) Must have been your other high, insane, drunk off her ass, wanna be karen friend.