do the maths (a throwback)

while the budnik thing has me glancing back at 2010 all nostalgically…

…here we’re gonna go back even further to 2002:

04/04/2002: “just when i thought i’d never use it again, i have to whip it out…”

what am i talking about in the subject line? MATH!!! (why…what were you thinking of? perverts….i’m so proud of you!!!) remember sitting in algebra in high school and thinking, “shit…when on god’s green earth am i going to need to know THIS pig crap?”

well, you didn’t. it was a useless waste of time. the basic math we use all the time. like today. i had $8.00, and had my choice….the bar-b-que sandwich combo with baked potato casserole and a coke, or the cool t-shirt from the joint that has a cowboy saying, “vegetarian…an old indian word that means, ‘can’t hunt for shit’!!!” TOO classic. but not available in xxl, so i got lunch instead. knew i couldn’t get both ’cause of simple math. then there’s the UNSIMPLE stuff that only women can get.

like a girl will KNOW that if she’s a size four at ann taylor than she’s a size six at ann taylor LOFT (or vice versa). the sad thing is, i shop enough like a chick to know most of this stuff about myself; but it’s pretty easy on me, except for shoes; where i’m an 11 in nike, but a 12 in dr. marten’s, an 11.5 in airwalks but only a 10.5 in prada and a 12.5 in timberlands. but y’all now know WAY to much about my shoe tree, so let’s move on…


we all do this one. alarm goes off at 6:30, and after hitting snooze a time or two, the brain starts thinking, “okay. gotta be at the office by 9:00, so need to leave by 8:15….is that RAIN i hear? rain makes peoples brain cells decrease exponentially by the number of drops on their windshield, so i better make that 8:00. oh yeah, and i need gas, so make that 7:45. i really should get more food for the dogs before i leave town, so let’s make that 7:25….and it IS the 25th, so i gotta go pay the utility bill, so let’s make it 7:05, which was now ten minutes ago; i’m naked in bed, and still need to shave, shower, and get dressed….FUCK!!!!


i actually KNOW people that do this. now before you instantly start to write me evil email, i’m NOT talking about weight watchers. that’s all good, has helped a lot of people, and seems to work. and i’m not talking about those of you who might be on that richard simmons’ “deal a meal” counting system. the fact that you would by a richard simmons’ product makes you TRULY frightening to me, and i want nothing to do with you. you scare me. go away. i’m big and i WILL hurt you if you make me. i’m talking about people that say stuff like, “well…i can have some extra cheese…i’ll just make up for it in the gym later.” these are the people you take to olive garden, and they say that when they get cheese on their salad, and then after MORE salad, and bread sticks, and toasted ravioli appetizers, and manacotti, and MORE bread sticks, and tiramisu are basically looking at having to pull the grave digger monster truck through two-foot deep bog with their genitals while running from a swarm of bees in order to balance the caloric intake with aerobic activity. just fucking EAT, and don’t feel you have to justify it to me, okay?


this is not to be confused with the booze/time continuum routine done by larry miller in, “the five levels of drinking”. this is when your buddy tries to justify his drinking with mathematical trickery., “dude, so i NORMALLY drink two double crown and cokes and i’m ready to party; but i tend to get sloppy. so TONIGHT, i’m just drinking regular sized crown and cokes”. to which you reply, “yeah, bro…but that’s round number seven.” “yeah, but see, in the drinks there’s more COKE than CROWN, so i’m still cool, see?” next thing you know you wake up next to a girl that looks like she’s one of the demonic extras in an ozzy osbourne video. learn from my…i mean, my BUDDY’S mistake.

i have a feeling i can come up with a whole lot more of these if i put my mind to it. can you? leave it in the comments section or email it to me. and don’t throw down, “sale math” where you feel good about spending $350 you DON’T have because you saved $150. i know that one. and there’s NOTHING wrong with that. can i get an, “amen”, ladies?

Replies: 2 Comments

“I know it’s four hundred and twelve rolls of toilet paper… but I saved so much, and now I’ll NEVER run out!” But somehow, you always manage to run out.

chick math said @ 04/04/2002 02:54 PM GMT

“It was on sale, so I bought two.”

male math said @ 04/04/2002 09:36 AM GMT

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