a wicked pisser of a sixer

trying to practice my new england speak with the title today…

…since i’ll be off that direction next summer.

james and kathi (who i first set up in 1996 or so but they took a lengthy hiatus before realizing i’d made a good call) are getting married in freeport, maine, next summer and i’m reprising my role as his best man. as of this writing i haven’t had the sit down to figure out what all that will entail at our age, but from what i recall and can google, there’s basically six things expected…

the bachelor party – not sure what we’ll do here. in our younger years it most certainly would have been a strip club thing, but now that we’re old enough to be older than the fathers of any of the entertainers, that’s almost disturbing. plus, we both have romantic histories with some women who were “putting themselves through school” and it didn’t always end well, so…maybe steaks and cigars? i can grill a mean steak and have plenty of vintage tobacco. i know both well, and don’t know shit about poker (the other option i read about) so we’ll see what’s up with all that.

the duds – apparently i’m also supposed to come up with the ensembles for the occasion? or at least pick em out? we’re all going to be on relatively foreign soil…do we travel with or arrange there? again, a sit down needs to happen on this.

the license – while it’s not my job to procure it, apparently i AM supposed to sign as one of the witnesses? i didn’t do any of this when i got married, as we didn’t have bridesmaids or groomsman or any of that shit. one guy (ronny) that i worked with tried to position himself right before we started, came ass up against a rail (and the 150 foot drop on the other side of it) and froze next to me with his hands crossed so a lot of my long term friends got butt hurt THINKING he was my best man due to where he stood during our less than one minute vows (the shitty weather version since we were outdoors in 46° drizzle) but he really just kinda got stuck there. fun times!

bang a bridesmaid – this is a duty depending on where you do your research, but i know at least one of the bridesmaids is somebody i’ve had a sexual relationship with, so in the words of dear ol’ departed harry anderson…

ring thing – i’m supposed to keep track of the rings, but i assume this is only in absence of some super cute child or pet that carries some little pillow their tied to? guess i need to check my pockets for holes pre-ceremony if i don’t see a dog or kid or midget milling around? again, we weren’t that formal, but we also didn’t send out a paper save the date that literally said “time to dust off the fancy pants”.

raise yo’ motherfuckin’ glass – i ain’t much to look at, but i can write my ass off, and i’m fairly entertaining in front of a crowd. while the toast is one thing most best men do NOT look forward to, this will probably be my time to shine!