hidden treasure (a flashback)

so, i was kinda surprised when i did my traditional archive search to see that there were ZERO old entries posted for the entire week from october 7th to the 15th, and even more surprised to learn that, just for today, there were three just sitting there waiting, untouched, for lo these many (twenty!) years. so i picked the middle of the three, which was…

10/14/2002: “ya never know what message one might be”

the following was phoned into my answering machine late on friday night, after three days of hard work in sa that more than doubled our outlet presents. my friday night plans got changed more times than the lotion refill inside a twenty-four hour nudie booth (not that i’d know about such things, of course) and ended up with me, all by my lonesome, eating fajita nachos, drinking THE most evil drink on the planet (frozen jack and coke…kinda like an adult slurpee, with plenty of kick), reading a hysterical book entitled “you are worthless”, who’s “serenity prayer” goes like this:

“oh, lord, grant me the serenity to accept the fact that you are a figment of my imagination, the courage to face my miserable life without pretending you’re somehow there for me, and the wisdom to stop hanging up stupid prayer placards in my kitchen.”


so, my drunken ramblings, according to the answering machine that greeted me when i got home on saturday evening; entitled a six pack of ways to know you PROBABLY shouldn’t be driving…

1. when you go to take a piss, you lean against the divider wall and pass out for about ten minutes while whizzing in the urinal. this is PARTICULARLY true if you happen to be female.

2. as you leave, a uniformed (off duty) bexar county sheriff’s deputy asks you if you’re ‘cool’. you respond with, “do you want me to tell you the truth, or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?”.

3. you sit in your car for ten minutes in the parking lot, and ponder aloud as if it were the final jeopardy question worth a million dollars: “if he had downed the two jumbo-sized frozen jack and cokes, and had very little food, and been stupid enough to pop THREE hydroxycut capsules on an empty stomach before doing so thus speed balling his metabolism and causing the booze to hit a LOT harder, what WOULD jesus do?”.

4. you babble off a nirvana lyric as number four and you’re ALREADY DRIVING at the time…

5. you think of drinking as jogging and actually feel you’ll get your second wind after a run away from the restaurant and therefore plan on adding yet more fuel to the fire upon your return….(okay, that one proved to be pretty true, actually)

6. you leave yourself babbling messages on your own answering machine as notes on six reasons you probably shouldn’t be driving home…WHILE driving. and take EIGHT messages to get the SIX things out. and you STILL don’t make it home till twenty-two hours later, but damn it you do so sober. okay, i added that last part just now…it’s my page. i can do that…

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