“SA” does NOT stand for “Safe Automobiling” (a throwback)

the ufc had a recent girl’s weekend in SA and confirms all of this is still pretty accurate twenty years later…

10/06/2002: “drive, mother fucker”

so, friday it was all about sa for me. had system conversions to do. what i forgot about was that this was kind of a first…not me going to sa, of course; that seems to happen with more and more frequency. no, it was a combination of two new things melting together for the first time…our new machines (currently throughout most of the metroplex, but with our older software in them) and our new software (currently only in use at a stadium in oklafuckinhoma, and not on our newer hardware set up). of course, this fact occurred to me AFTER i was already there, but what can you do? all ended up pretty smooth in the end, and that’s what matters, right?

now the smoothness was pretty much all work. otherwise, i saw a lot of the “not-so-smooth” thing going. but at least i know how i can make a fortune. i do. because for all the mexican food restaurants and military bases and hot women and starbucks that the greater metropolitan san antonio area has, they seem to be lacking in one VERY crucial element…and i wanna help them out. know what they need?


baby, no bullshit. i was SHOCKED at this. i’ve driven through sa tons of times before with no issue. in rain AND shine and dark of night. but yesterday? fucking ridiculous. i saw (no bullshit) SIX multi-car wrecks in the time i was there…that’s three or more vehicles involved, folks. add in the ones with only two cars, and it steps it up to NINE. in ONE day. and that’s just the ones i saw. as witnessed by ONE guy. picture how bad it was city wide…and this was on a warm, dry day.

what the fuck do they do to issue a license in SA? take you outside to where you’re parked, point at the space…

“what’s that?”
“um…that’s a car?”
“GOOD!!! now point to the front of it…”
“actually, that’s the roof. that would be the top. but since you didn’t point at the BACK of it, i’ll let it slide…you pass. here’s your license…and remember the three special rules about driving in sa…”
“which would be?”
“1. speed limits are just a suggestion, 2. test your brakes often and for NO reason…”
“and number three?”
“3. the guy trying to merge just said some evil shit about your mamma….are you gonna take that AND give up your lane? don’t go out like a bitch…”

and to think…i’m going BACK there tonight. and next wednesday. who wants to take over the page after i die?

Replies: 4 Comments

what? like i’d use my OWN car? hells no. one of your piercings might scratch it! besides…ever heard of a hit man?

…c’mon, i’d have thought you’d be MUCH better at this “plot & destroy” business…

elle said @ 10/14/2002 07:29 PM GMT

wait a minute…what are we saying? like that’s a car i could MISS in traffic or something. hell, i can practically see the thing from here…

sean (skeered) said @ 10/07/2002 08:56 PM GMT

hey, dude, if you need somebody to off him in s.a., i think i can help you out…for a cut of the royalties, of course. 😉

elle said @ 10/07/2002 04:01 PM GMT

It will be immortalized. We’ll do it up as a book and make millions. Of course, you have to get croaked in SA, first. Frankly, I don’t see that happening, but Mercury ain’t done with your butt yet. Ominous enough?

astrofishy said @ 10/06/2002 10:18 PM GMT

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