one impressive poker face

today we’re gonna compare notes on what ACTUALLY happened versus what i figure happened…

…and while i hate people that lie to me, this was genuinely impressive.

so, the other day i had a woman claim to be the mother of a teenager coming into the shop to get a piercing. a quick look at their ID’s and i demanded a birth certificate as proof. typically, if the last names and addresses match we let that go if they both have texas driver’s licenses even though technically step parents aren’t allowed to sign for such things (which, since i am one, i think is kinda bullshit).

when they first walked in and i let them know those two things had to match, “mom” stated, “oh, our addresses don’t match – she be living with her daddy, and i moved out of his place when we split and got my own.” they then walked out and got in their truck, but came back in a couple minutes later, both with smiles on their faces.

“i forgot that, because of covid, i hadn’t made it to DPS to update my license yet so it still has her dad’s address on it”

“so for once covid HELPED something happen!”, i said. we laughed. they gave me both of their driver’s licenses and i started doing the paperwork to get her bellybutton pierced but stopped half way through. i looked “mom” dead in the eyes and said, “so this is your daughter that you actually gave birth to?”

she nodded her head and said, “yes”

“i’m gonna need that birth certificate to prove it”, i replied. she instantly got defensive, angrily pointing at their licenses and saying, “but our addresses and last names match, so what’s the god damn problem?”

“the god damn problem”, i followed, “is that your birthdays are just under NINE YEARS APART. so you’re saying you birthed her at nine and got pregnant at eight?!?”

“yep”, she retorted, without missing a beat. i told her i’d need paperwork as proof because, quite honestly, i thought that was bullshit. when she ACTUALLY PUSHED A LITTLE FURTHER, i explained the “bonus tell” that it was bullshit was mentioning the daughter still lived with the dad, when in reality if this was all true dad would STILL BE IN PRISON for knocking up an eight year old, and even if he’d gotten out he wouldn’t be allowed custody of his young daughter for being a predatory pederass.

“bring me the birth certificate that shows this and we’ll do it”, i finished. they left. they didn’t come back.

here’s what i think REALLY happened – i think she was possibly the older sister, but more than likely the step mom. the mas girl i dated before nikki was married to a guy almost a decade her senior, so the age difference between her and her step kids was about nine years. when they got to driving age, they would all have licenses with the same last name and address on them. the reason i lean towards the step over the sib is because of the reference of “she be living with her daddy” instead of “OUR daddy” or just “dad” or something indicating he was her parent.

still impressive she tried to stick to her guns on that shit, though.