when the teeth marks on your ass are your own (a flashback)

they always tell you laziness will bite you in the ass…

…and this kinda proves it.

i went to grab the 2002 bit from today but i’d already used it. no big surprise. so then i looked at 2003 since that’s on the same disc, and there were THREE bits from may 14th, with none of em used.


(or so i thought)

i still have em up on my screen – they’re all utterly useless. or, at least, they are now. the first is two sentences culminating to an astrowhore link that i’ll wager cash hasn’t worked since before bush 43 got re-elected. the next one is only once sentence and links to an embedded executable file on the old site that would make a raspberry noise while your cd drawer opened, as if your PC was sticking out its tongue at you. and the third was just a forward of an email that was sent to me, and while the image is also on the disc, one of the comments links to snopes proving it’s bullshit.

so instead we now have a bit that cuts the list of months NOT represented in the archives down another notch, which is pretty fucking cool…

07/15/2007: “the rent to own mafia”

“dude, if anybody ever owes me money, i’m sending you motherfuckers AFTER ’em…”

that was the phrase i yelled (not in a mean way) to the manager of my local aaron’s rent-to-own on saturday morning when i went and dropped off the check for my fridge.

and it was well deserved.

a few of you might recall that i had to get a new fridge last fall and went the rent-to-own route as my credit is somewhat “challenged”.

“challenged” in the sense that if my credit was a person it could get killer parking at the mall…get it?

so, i went that route with the plan of paying it off within the ninety days as they offer “ninety days same as cash”…

…but things don’t always go as planned.

so, when all is said and done i will probably end up paying DOUBLE what the fucker is worth. but it’s big and functional and keeps leftovers, milk, and most importantly BOOZE chilled to perfection, so i have no complaints…until the second of the month.

you see, my payment is due on the FIRST of the month – not the second. and aaron’s wants you to know that kind of thing…more so than you know your own name. so, on the second, you will get a call from an 866 number and get a recorded message in the morning…

…and then get a live call from your local store that afternoon if you don’t do what the recording told you to do, which was call your local store. this will happen every day like clockwork for the first week after your payment is due – and then TWICE in the morning and TWICE in the afternoon (why can’t i get a sex life like that again?) until the end of the second week.

i don’t know what happens on the third week ’cause my shit never goes THAT late.

i thought these guys had it down to a fine science…until yesterday around noon when my doorbell rang. it was “rent-a-center”.

i haven’t rented jack SHIT from “rent-a-center”.

but my neighbors have.

and they have “perfect credit” with the folks at the R-A-C. perfect. he wanted me to know that. early and often. that’s why it was so unusual that saturday, the day their payment was due, it had not been made and they had not received a call, and so they were concerned that everything was alright. had their been a tragic accident? a death in the family? was everyone okay? the r.a.c. folks want to know, because they care…and they just HAPPENED to be in the neighborhood…in a truck. that was now backed up in my neighbor’s driveway. never mind the fact that the store they were from was twenty miles away in another town…this was not a repo trip. this was a mission of mercy and of concern – and when they didn’t return calls or answer the door, they thought they would ask a neighbor if i knew what was going on…perhaps i had seen flowers delivered – or an ambulance…or a wreath upon the door. perhaps i even knew of some great loss, and sent over a ham…


i have no idea where they might be…but i know the mail is piling up in the front mailbox (i can see it from the office in the front of my house). and the yard could stand to be trimmed up (i love keeping mine neat enough to where i can say that). and apparently they owe rent-a-center some money.

but they have “perfect credit” with them – so i’m guessing everything will work out okay.

i wonder if i should mention it to them when (or if) they return. i wonder if aaron’s has popped by them and made similar inquiries about me – maybe this is something ALL of them do. but i know it seemed a little off to me. and if i never need to collect money from anyone, fuck the mafia guys…i’ll just get some “rent to own” guys…in more than one sense of the phrase…to do my dirty work for me.

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