widjo greasy ass

“the only thing between comedy and tragedy is timing”…or something like that?

i think i might have had one, tiny, subway sized bag of these.

maybe. i know i never consumed enough to have any ill side effects. but, man, did i hear about some ill side effects. it’s amazing how “fat free” on a bag of doritos suddenly turns a whole big ass bag into a single serving. and then the fireworks would start. almost literally. i highly recommend the article i linked to above because it is fucking hysterical, but for those who don’t know about these things…

they contained a fat substitute that tasted just like that delicious fat, but with a molecule to large to be broken down by the human digestive system, so it just passed right on through. quickly. REALLY quickly in some cases. you know how some products have a toll free number to call if you wanna praise or complain or what have you? yeah, i would NOT wanna be the one to have to take those calls with this! introduced in 1996 with a warning label on them that still somehow didn’t deter people from scarfing down enough of these to feel their ill effects…although apparently you learn your lesson eventually, because will they saw NINE FIGURE REVENUE the first year, by 1998-2000 they’d dropped by half (which would still be a nine figure number, if you’re curious) and then just skyrocketed down. shit, the last year the FDA let them remove the warning label because at that point, to paraphrase biggie, “if you don’t know, now you know…”

these are not missed. and if you miss a product with “oily anal discharge” in one of the warnings, i’d tell you to get your head examined, but your GI tract should probably be first. and no, you can’t use my bathroom.