the root of it all (a throwback)

sometimes i just ramble on till i annoy myself…

…this appears to be one of those times.

06/25/2002: “”cfc” is NOT where you can get yourself a two piece and a biscuit”

dull-ass mondays. we ALL have them. the kind where it seems for ever minute you watch tick forward on your clock after lunch it sneaks backwards by two when you’re NOT looking. the kind where you have plenty to do, just don’t do any of it. or do it all, but do it too fast, and now work is just DRONING on…

if it happens in your world, you chalk it up as a “monday”, and move on. see, i can’t do that. it upsets the balance of things. throws off the curve. and makes me get pestering email; for you see, if i have a dull-ass day, and nothing happens to entertain MY hyper-active gemini brain (which is occasionally easier to entertain than a four year olds; and occasionally more difficult then a well-sedated EIGHTY-four year olds..so for those who can call me anytime, and i take your call, feel REALLY lucky; it’s because i KNOW i’ll enjoy talking to you. and for those who always seem to get voicemail on their first, second, third attempt? well…) then i have nothing to write about. it throws off what i call the “cfc”.

don’t confuse this with the “kfc”, home of the delicious eleven herbs and spices.

oh no. this is the “cfc”. as in “comedy food chain”. and don’t worry; if you’re reading this you at least have a chunk of the top link to call your own. some of you are at the bottom, too…

“clowns to bottom of me, readers to the top, here i am…stuck in the middle with jews…”

okay, a bogus lyrical rip-off….but it illustrates my point (except for the part about jews…i just through that in); and i guess it also sounds like a REALLY bad scene from a porn movie, but i digress….

see, if things in my life (or the people i deal with) don’t throw a bone my way (as far as subject matter is concerned, you perverts) then i have to dive into my own HEAD to get some comedy for you. have any of you TALKED to me for an extensive amount of time? or for that matter, have i ever told you to, “get out of my head”? if so, you’ve been to that place; and you know how truly scary it can be…

but then a small bit hit my windshield after my ninety-minute gym excursion (at the new one i go to a lot of the clientele are attractive women, which tends to make the motherfucking charm come out and therefore drag out time between exercises – but never between sets…i know why i’m there…plus, i’m sweaty and gross..what chance do i REALLY have?) and on top of that, my cardio stuff is taking longer and longer; which i see as a good sign; but once again, i digress…

the flyer on my windshield was for “uv free ‘mystic’ tans…the amazing thirty second spray tan.”

thirty second SPRAY tans? what the FUCK is that? that’s some scary stuff (don’t know how “amazing”, but scary)…i have been thinking of joining a tanning place to try and make my pale ass…well…..NOT so pale. but a thirty second SPRAY tan? is that kinda like a car wash for your neked ass where you get squirted down with self tanning lotion or something? that’s next? thirty-second spray HAIR?

oh yeah…never mind. they have THAT, too…

but seriously…can you picture it? i may have to go in JUST to see how this works and report back to you. does it get in your hair? do you have to wear goggles? is the “mystic tan” booth (emphasis on the “myst”) as scary as it looks on the flyer? do i have to shave my head like the guy in the before and after pics? or did his hair fall out from the tanning myst? TOO many questions…may have to check this out; maybe use it as a bargaining tool at a real tanning place.

oh yeah, and if anybody can track down the guys who do the voices of “al” and “lou” on the wendy’s radio commercials, and vocally incapacitate them in some severe way, i’ll buy you lunch everyday for a MONTH. i am SO sick of those guys. it’s made me stop eating at wendy’s completely…

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