the bad ass and the bizarre (a throwback)

first off, the bad ass –

seven years ago today i went to lunch with this girl at a jason’s deli in round rock, texas, and two years to the day later we were doing this:

that’s us cutting our wedding cake. happy seventh (or fifth, depending on how you wanna measure it) anniversary, ufc! i looooooove you!

now, ten years prior to that, i apparently was out with the guy who officiated our wedding high above downtown austin that chilly evening, kramer:

11/14/2002: “cough syrup”

i have been told on more than one occasion that when i walk down the street with a girl i should be the one on the outer edge of the sidewalk. personally, i always thought it was a thinly veiled way to make sure that if a drunk driver edged the curve, i’d be the one taking the hit…but was told that it was because in mejico when a guy walks down the street with a girl between him and the road it’s because he’s trying to turn her out…i.e., he’s her pimp and he’s putting his wares on display that way. but here’s what bugs me…i realized last night that whenever kramer and i walk someplace, he always puts me on the outside. is he trying to turn me out? is he taking this whole “astroWHORE” thing a bit too seriously? am i kramer’s bitch?

of course not…i’m NOBODY’S bitch.

but i digress…

last night when kramer and i went to dinner at ‘gill’s to discuss this site and all, he got to see me play mental pause with the waiter. “mental pause” is a game i play with myself to see if i can make the waitstaff (or whoever) do almost a triple take to the degree of just freezing them there for a second…so, when i got confused about something the waiter asked me last night, i fired off…

“i guess i shouldn’t have drank all that cough syrup before dinner…”

when he looked down at me, probably to say something to the effect of, “i hope you feel better” pertaining to my “illness”, i added…

“not that i’m sick or anything…it’s just a nice break in the day!”

the waiter froze. kramer couldn’t stop laughing. bingo…just like the old “gill’s games” days…

when i used to do the hightower radio show at threadgill’s world headquarters i used to hang out with this waiter named jesse. we had a game where we would see how many times a day, and from how far a distance, we could flip each other off without offending the staff, radio folk, other diners, etc…and he also told me that one of the cool parts of his job was walking up and hearing the tail end of a conversation…or at least that one stray line he’d end up being privy to just by nature of going up to the table.

so, i started coming up with lines i could say when i saw the waitperson coming up that would always get that “i don’t even wanna know” look from them. they had NOTHING to do with the actual conversation, it was all just for shock value. this is probably why in the two years i worked with the show, i never once dated anyone from there…but that was undoubtedly for the best.

here’s a six pack for you; a few old ones, and a few new ones i just made up for your amusement…i do that a lot, you know…bullshit just to keep you entertained. hell, half of you don’t realize i’m a korean girl that lives in central idaho; but never mind that now. try saying some of THESE when you see the “everything okay?” a comin’…

1. i mean, do you know how hard it is to find a little bo peep outfit that fits me?
(makes more of an impact if you’re a guy my size)

2. and it’s draining right now…*reach for belt*…wanna see the scar?

3. …sure, all the normal sex stuff is fine, but try and get a hooker to scratch your balls with a cheese grater, and it’ll cost ya.

4. that ended up being the last time we used THAT to lube up a donkey.

5. so the fact that i’m sitting here today instead of three years from today shows that even “good behavior” can be faked.

6. and that’s how you can grow pot legally in the state of texas.

Replies: 5 Comments

omg i just have to try that. if it dont upset the status quo with the waiter im sure it will wake up my boyfriend:))

Lynne said @ 11/16/2002 04:34 AM CST

josh, you got the ralphie reference but you missed the cough syrup / stripes coorelation? you are SO going down at pool this weekend…

sean (fill in witty comment here) said @ 11/15/2002 02:56 AM CST

Eh. that last one will get most waitstaff to ask you to repeat it, write it down, and perhaps demonstrate.

topenga said @ 11/14/2002 06:28 PM CST

maybe you could ask ralphie about where you could find a whore with a cheese grater.

josh said @ 11/14/2002 06:07 PM CST

The reason behind the man walking on the curbside and the lady on the inside is because the roads were not paved and often muddy. Thus the gentleman would take the majority of the dirt were there to be a big splash.

Now, we’re just hoping you get hit and we can collect the insurance–accidental death pays double! 😉

MC said @ 11/14/2002 04:11 PM CST

0 comments… add one

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *