all about the critters (a flashback with bonus features)

this is my first marvel movie bit…

…and by that, i mean you have to read all the way through the credits at the end for it all to make sense. at the end i left the comments originally put on the bit, and then linked it to the old bits so you can read the previous comments the opening sentence it alluding to.

09/06/2002: “but, it ain’t broke…”

a recent comment thread got me to thinking about bob barker’s favorite phrase (well, one of them). “have your pets spayed or neutered”. it’s closed every price is right episode since his wife died. his own personal tribute to her love of animals. but never mind that mushy shit now…

why is it we use the term “fixed”? does having all your nether innards in order mean you’re broke? no. but is does mean you have the POTENTIAL to be very, very, VERY broke. just ask anyone who HAS kids if they’re broke. they’ll tell you. they know what broke IS. if you don’t have any, you have NO idea…or so they tell me.

see, all my kids have a common thread of their own…they either are covered in fur and walk on all fours, or they EAT things that are covered in fur and walk on all fours. now, before any of you think i got a little TOO drunk one time and cruised a sideshow looking for a girlfriend or whatever, calm down. i’m talking about my pets…and as for the sideshow “incident”, i was in college, i was young, and i ONLY used her as a sexual plaything. and even then ALWAYS wore protection. two layers, actually. but let’s move on…

i guess most guys hate the term “fixed” because of what “fix” means in our world. in texas, of course, it is one SEVERELY overly used word. EVERYTHING has to be fixed down here…or at least we’re always in a fixing mood…

“i’m FIXING to get upset…”
“you kids are FIXING to get on my nerves…”
“this is FIXING to get ugly…”

but for most of us guys, stuff that’s gonna be fixed we feel we can do ourselves. if we can’t handle it solo, we just get a case of beer, a couple of friends with more tools than us, and a saturday afternoon when there’s NOT a game on…and viola, all fixed. but do you think we’re gonna let one of our buddy’s, pliers in one hand, lone star long neck in the other, get near mr. happy?


how happy do you think that would MAKE mr. happy? trust me, if that ever even came CLOSE to reality, then someone would be FIXING to die. and this from the guy who’s actually USED channel locks on that area of my anatomy. but i have an excuse…i was adjusting my jewelry, damn it. changing it, to be more accurate.

and yes, i did mention creatures that only EAT the four-legged furries. the ones that have gotten no screen time and don’t have a warm drop of blood in their bodies unless they ingest it. just to give them theirs, the other three (in addition to calum, buffi, and the ever-screen present copper) are morticia (tish for short, and that’s all that’s short about her…she’s a nine foot columbian red tail boa, who’s been with me for ten years, or four years longer than the oldest dog), bob (the most evil lizard in the world, a savannah monitor who is just an ASSHOLE. i even tried to stunt his growth just so he wouldn’t be an un-handleable asshole. no dice. still two feet and some change from nose to tail. and he doesn’t wanna be ANYONE’S friend.) and then the baby of the bunch (who’s growing REALLY slow), benita, a still young brazilian rainbow boa.

there…at least none of my kids can have lack of their fifteen minutes issues, right?

Replies: 11 Comments

well, when you help me name one of the tribe, sin, you do kinda have the right to call me on a typo…and like to spread my randomness virus, too, josh….i call mine da’ whore.

sean M said @ 09/07/2002 05:55 PM GMT

i had no point. i just like to spread my randomness to everyone. sort of like a virus.

josh said @ 09/07/2002 07:56 AM GMT

if my name isn’t really spelled ‘sin D’ then ‘benita’ can be with an ‘e’ or an ‘o’. Its up to you… you are the dad….

the redhead said @ 09/07/2002 07:26 AM GMT

well, i’m glad SOMEONE realizes that texas is a nation in and of itself and not part of the former confederacy…and josh, so have i…intimately on one occasion…what’s your point? it pain’s me to say it, but ME helped..well…um…me name her, so ME would know…and is right. OUCH!!! did anyone else feel that?

sean (again) said @ 09/07/2002 04:12 AM GMT

FIXING? you use that word very proper; here in the South (texas being a nation separate from the southern states), it is pronounced: Fixin’….we just don’t bother to add that extra “g”.

NC connection said @ 09/07/2002 02:34 AM GMT

i knew a girl named benita.

josh said @ 09/06/2002 11:54 PM GMT

i paraphrase samuel l. jackson in pulp fiction:

ENGLISH, motherfuckers…DO YOU SPEAK IT?!?!?

sean (in pulp fiction mode) said @ 09/06/2002 09:03 PM GMT

Zut alors, mais il y a un outre probleme pas’que il n’y a pas the 15 minutes pour moi. c’est triste.

astrofishy said @ 09/06/2002 08:03 PM GMT

Escuche, yo lo corregiré cuando yo tengo la pinche gana. Si tu tienes un problema, mi vale madre.

ME (again) said @ 09/06/2002 07:46 PM GMT

IT’s Bonita BTW

ME said @ 09/06/2002 05:37 PM GMT

not ALL of your kids eat just 4-legged furry animals…. 😉

the redhead said @ 09/06/2002 12:46 PM GMT

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