now let’s never speak of them again (a flashback)

who knew this would be the start of a beautiful friendship?

(the above statement was dripping with sarcasm and will be explained afterwards)

01/25/2003: “fuck it!!! just keep it in your mattress…”

a few things you can do with nothing more than a valid texas driver’s license…

1. buy porn
2. get into an r-rated movie
3. purchase liquor
4. purchase tobacco products
5. purchase a FIRE ARM
6. drive a fucking car ANYWHERE you want to go
7. vote
8. set up a video rental membership
9. rent an suv
10. get a hotel room

actually, i don’t think you even NEED it for that last one…but here’s one thing you CAN’T do with JUST a driver’s license…

cash your fucking pay check at well’s fargo.

only ONE form of i.d.? even if it IS valid, verifiable, AND state issued? so the name AND address on the paycheck MATCHES the one on the i.d., and the face of the person handing it to you MATCHES the face on the i.d.?


what the FUCK???

one “samaritan” at the teller window next to me tried to help out with this tidbit of “wisdom”…

“see…if someone stole your wallet, what would they have? your DRIVER’S LICENSE. so, we have to get a second form of i.d….like a credit card or and atm card. get it?”

“here’s the flaw in that logic”, i retorted, “first, look at me!!! people don’t STEAL FROM ME!!! second, if someone DID take my wallet, they would also have my CREDIT CARD and ATM CARD, wouldn’t they? what they would NOT have is my FACE!!! which is CLEARLY visible, all be it furrier, on the front of my i.d.”

“yes sir…but do you know how easy it is to get a fake i.d.? or put your picture on someone ELSE’S i.d.? that’s why we want to see a check card or something…”

“again, if that WASN’T my i.d., and i HAD pasted my pic on sean’s license, how would showing his check card, with NO PICTURE on it, ALSO in the wallet i stole, help in verifying this was OR wasn’t me? try to scrape off the pic…i DARE you!!!”

again, no dice…

then, she said if i could produce some MAIL with my name and address on it, then we could negotiate.

(a word to all pick pockets: if you do lift someone’s wallet, then somehow acquire their paycheck, and then get ballsy enough to go to a well videoed bank lobby rather than some seedy check cashing place to cash it, at least go the extra five yards and boost some of their mail, too…)

with the presence of my gas bill, phone bill, and house payment statement (i fortunately grabbed my mail on the way out today), PLUS my driver’s license AND a business card they were generous enough to give me the few nickels i had earned busting my ass for two straight 55 hour plus weeks.

they were VERY into letting me know that they were doing me a favor.

i was VERY into letting them know i was willing to let them know what my dick tasted like…just try not to chip a tooth on the piercings.

they then suggested i open an account with them to avoid this hassle in the future.
i repeated my offer.

what was i thinking actually looking forward to a pay day?


2019 note: almost a year to the date after this bit was published (and what’s not mentioned is i was at wells fargo because that was where star tickets cut their payroll checks) i was forced to open an account by dell where i had started to work due to star tickets beginning to fold and letting me go. wells fargo had a branch in my building and dell did NOT do paper checks so my hands were tied. while i worked there it was actually kinda cool, but once i departed they turned to royal pricks so i bailed them and went to chase, where i still have an account…

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