a flashback that’s even more applicable than when it was written

once again, we have ZERO spot on entries to use from the really old disc…

…but as this is one of my favorite bits, it just happened to run a day later than exactly fifteen years ago, we’re gonna pretend for my own amusement:

07/14/2003: “….happened so fast”

so, the last one got not only comments, but my phone ringing. yea, though no one was mentioned by name, offended some still were. not meant to offend, i promise…but to keep the theme alive, to a degree, let’s re-run an oldie that can help you avoid some pitfalls during this, the summer fling season…

just cut and paste the quiz portion (minus this and the scoring paragraph at the end, of course) and send it to the perspective on-line mate. or, if you’re the type to actually cruise the bars and beer joints and bus stations rather than socializing on bus_station_skank.com or heywannafuck.com or whatever, just print it up with you and whip it out at the appropriate time (the quiz, that is). excuse yourself (or type “brb”, as the case may be) and score…then take the appropriate action. ultimately, it’s all up to you; but i think this counts as community service…now if i can only convince someone ELSE of that, i have only ten more hours to go (i’m counting this as two…creativity takes time) but, perhaps i’ve said to much…


1. When you here the letters “P-O”, you think of:
a. “pissed off”
b. where you get mail
c. an appointment the third tuesday of every month you CAN NOT miss

2. When you see the numbers “7-11” you think of:
a. a twelve pack and a lotto ticket
b. a big gulp and doritos
c. a shotgun and a ski mask

3. When you say the letters “X-T-C” out loud, you think of:
a. an alternative band with light college radio play in the early 1990s
b. a euphoric state
c. that rave last spring where you woke up with a midget, a clown, and a glo-stick in your ass

4. When you see the letters “N-A” you think of:
a. “not available”
b. “not applicable”
c. that card you have to get your buddies to forge before that appointment from question #1.

5. When you hear the numbers “9-11”, you think of:
a. an incredibly tragic day in American History.
b. a number everyone should have on speed dial
c. exactly two and a half minutes to “take care of business”


6. Teen porn is legal if the girl’s parents give you their written permission.
7. 17 is the legal age for consensual sex in the state of Texas.
8. It is legal for first cousins to marry.
9. It is ILLEGAL to sell a dildo in Texas for it’s “typical” purpose.
10. The US Postal service is the only main public carrier service that will ship a live alligator.

The next half is like the SAT’s; wrong answers count AGAINST you. If you don’t KNOW the answer, skip the question.

Match The Correctional Institution With The Weekend Menu Item

11. Travis County
12. Hays County
13. Willamson County
14. Austin Central
15. Caldwell County

a. tacos
b. subs
c. chili dogs
d. fish
e. sloppy joes


16. What does your therapist say is the source of your inner rage?

17. What color are prozac capsules?

18. The street value of cocaine if higher on which coast?

19. What is the most effective way to mask your blood alcohol level, you know, just in case?

20. Which of the major Texas cities is most lax in prosecuting statutory cases?


okay, it’s pretty simple. first, give the benefit of the doubt and start your prospective date with a score of “100”. then, deduct twenty-five points for each “c” they answered in the “association” part. the true-false is actually a trick…from what i’ve been told, they’re ALL true (even the cousin one as of recently…scary shit, huh? but i bet some of y’alls next family reunions just got a LOT more interesting). if the person KNEW they were all true, and is not a LAWYER (or internet writer) you might wanna make sure your pepper spray is handy. as for the second half, that SAT line is a warning…if they even TRIED to answer the questions, they’re either…

a. too stupid to be worth your time, ’cause they couldn’t figure out that one line


b. a little TOO knowledgeable in things they DON’T need to know. run like mexican water through a first-time tourist. and pronto.

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