a “band together” flashback friday

and it ain’t about comic book heroes…

01/27/2003: “soup or bowl xxxvii”

so, yesterday was all about the united colours of money. tons spent on ads, tons spent on merch, tons spent on snacks, and almost just as much spent on silver and black paint that ended up washed away in tears as the raiders drowned in the crimson tide that was tampa bay.

(see…i COULD write professionally, huh?)

musically, it was interesting. we started off with god bless america sung by a canadian. then, we had texans sing the national anthem. and later, half time…two songs by a canadian, then one by an american, then one by a brit, then one by an american AND a brit.

keep score on that?

that’s canada 3, usa 3, and uk 2. OUR fucking superbowl, and we’re tied with canada for artistic representation. ’cause you know what pro football lacks that college and high school football has? marching bands. those geeky little shits that didn’t play football but wanted to participate some way, some how, in the friday night ritual that is high school football.

yes, i was one of them. fuck y’all.

and for the few truly dedicated, it went on into college. but i had this wild idea that i should finally get laid and laid well in college, and felt my band career in high school was probably what helped hinder that. that, and the hair. it was the 80’s. shut the fuck up and leave me alone. but who were those half time musical jesters dressed up in outfits that were a cheaper version of michael jackson during the bad era or los beatles during their sgt. pepper phase? allow me to give you some inside info. lemme break it all down, for those of you who weren’t musically inclined. or WERE athletically inclined. or just lusted for the mutual shower excursions that were high school p.e.

flute section

typically: prudes and whiners
“into band” factor: 8 outta 10
pop culture tie in: the sex-crazed michelle in american pie should have been a clarinet player going off the libido; but her dedication screamed flute section.
upside: usually pretty cute…for the most part. kinda. i guess. third quarter hat hair is NOBODY’S friend.
downside: first to narc out your friends if they were smoking at an away game.
sissy factor: if you were a guy, and you played the flute? you’d better know how to fight. well.

clarinet section

typically: “slut” is such a harsh word…but let’s say the back of the bus was their “hood” on road game nights.
“into band” factor: 5 outta 10 (if you’re lucky)
pop culture tie in: they always look so cool and smooth as jazz musicians in movies, right? well, those people were never in high school band.
upside: did you catch that first line of the description here? guess a black phallus heading at your mouth an hour a day will do that do ya…
downside: not one i can see
sissy factor: again, if you’re a guy, you better know how to fight. or pray there’s a male flute player…than just kick his ass for some respect.

sax section

typically: slackers…and i mean that in a good way.
“into band” factor: on average, 2 outta 10…but there are the odd ones.
pop culture tie in: hey, clinton got plenty of tail…and kenny g’s probably given his up plenty of times…now THERE’S a visual i could have done without.
upside: usually have booze on them
downside: where the college band ones come from i don’t know. ’cause nobody i’ve met would take it that far.
sissy factor: not an issue here. unless you’re kenny g. but don’t worry, ken…none of us were fooled anyway.

trumpet section

typically: two types…those who LIVE for that solo mid-field, and those who WILL come out sophomore year in college.
“into band” factor: 12 outta 10. they can make that happen.
pop culture tie in: THE band guy. hands down. in all movies, these are das über band kids. or daddy-bought beatnik wannabe’s that think their folks will float them enough cash to try their hand at being a jazz club musician in college.
upside: if you befriend them, the director pretty much HAS to be nice to you.
downside: the brass family equivalent of the flutes in the “narc” section…with a few exceptions.
sissy factor: hard to call…fairly manly, but in that band sort of way.

french horn section

typically: the folks that if you were in band, you can’t really remember their names.
“into band” factor: 5 outta 10. if ever there was a fence straddler, this would be it.
pop culture tie in: these people have a place in pop culture?
upside: someone even the guy flute player can probably push around
downside: the link between the band and the chess and science club.
sissy factor: think about it. they put their mouth to something with the word “french” in it’s title, and shove their fist up it’s ass. like it being french isn’t wrong enough.

trombone section

typically: at least where i went to school, the second of the “soon to come out” sections…or in the case of a couple of them, they should have.
“into band” factor: 7 outta 10. if your band had a vp, he was probably here.
pop culture tie in: thomas dolby pretended to play one with his nose in the hyperactive video. sorry…that’s all i’ve got for you on this one.
upside: contains the word “bone” in the title. beavis & butthead would be proud.
downside: try and cross in front of them in the bleachers sometime. i DARE you.
sissy factor: well, the “bone” thing does help them i suppose…but what’s a trom?

baritone section

typically: stout girls that were afraid they’d look too butch playing tuba.
“into band” factor: who cares? (of course, most of you have been saying that this whole stretch, haven’t you?)
pop culture tie in: oh, for crying out loud, they’re just little girly tubas!!!
upside: see above
downside: see above
sissy factor: see above

tuba section

typically: fat guys. not all the time, but typically. but man, can they drink.
“into band” factor: a 1 or a 10…there are no in betweens here.
pop culture tie in: robin williams mentioned shitting in a tuba on his first “live at the met” special…does that count?
upside: bass is a good thing, right?
downside: oh yeah…BRASS bass. never mind.
sissy factor: you wanna tell them?


typically: with VERY few exceptions, this would be the band burnout and alchoholic depository
“into band” factor: is it possible to rate negative numbers on a 1 to 10 scale?
pop culture tie in: seen the previews for that movie “drumline”? yeah, well, that’s BULLSHIT.
upside: you can bum smokes off them…and they have that “bart simpson” kinda attitude that makes them entertaining ALL the time.
downside: in texas – no pass, no play. section got MIGHTY thin when grades came out six weeks into the season.
sissy factor: wanna know where i can fit this drumstick?

0 comments… add one

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *