honey, this bee suckin!

on the upside, the events of today gave me material for a nice pun-filled bit…

…on the downside, it stung a bit. about fifteen to sixteen times to my count. over eight on my hands alone…another couple behind my right ear, one on my cheek, and next to my upper lip, and so on. we’ve lived and let live for a while now, but that time has drawn to a close. we’ve got to say ¡adios muchachos! to the bee colony that’s been living out of the trim of our house.

they’ve gotten in the house from time to time, but never more than one or two at a pop. at first i thought it was a fluke, but then we started getting one or two buzzing around light fixtures a night – i just had no idea where they were coming from, until i saw a hive hole on the side of the house up by the roof trim. basically, if i had gutters you wouldn’t see it…but i don’t, so it’s pretty easy to spot. between the sliding glass door and our bedroom window – but through all the mild winter and ensuing lovely spring weeks (yes, “weeks” – welcome to texas!) we had the bedroom window open and the sliding glass door back and never had a bee incident. hell, we installed a new air conditioner right below the damn thing a couple months back with nary a sting or even a warning “fly by”.

then came a few hours ago…

we actually got a hint of things to come over the weekend. nic noticed that gypsy, the wonder pup, was shaking her head violently, then spit out a bee…then picked it back up. the lil’ fucker had stung her INSIDE her mouth, and her face swelled up for a few hours, but then was fine. but today i was mowing the lawn when i noticed a bee on my glove – i held it up to my face, smiled and said, “no need to assist – i’ve mowed the yard before, and gently shook my had figuring he had just landed to say “hi”…but when i looked back down at the glove to see if he had flown away, i noticed the poison trail from his now lifeless body to his stinger – and about four others following suit (through the mechanix gloves i wear for yard work i didn’t even feel them) but then i heard the buzzing and got stung on the fucking ear – which is when i let go of the mower started flailing wildly and ran back in the house. a couple followed me in but they got squished between said gloves pretty quickly.

but i had a plan…a stupid, stupid plan.

i knew dish soap killed bees, so i got some dish soap and smeared it on my forearms (which surprisingly never got stung, but they did fly up my sleeve and nail my tricep pretty good) and neck and went back outside. stood there for a second. nothing. so i went and fired up the mower, and the second assault began all over my head and face (but not my neck and forearms, proving my point and sucking ass for me all at the same time). i cut off the mower, ran back in the house, and swatted away and back outside the two or three that followed me at that point.

now it was on.

i loaded up a super soaker with disk-soap-laced water, took a test shot out the door, and went out to kill me some bees – but the gun locked up (i.e. wouldn’t shoot) when i got close and again i got hit once or twice around my face, but when i ran back to the door it stuck and i had to shoulder check it trashing the door frame pretty good. i took an hour to shower and chill and all felt better…i was able to let the dogs out several times that afternoon without incident, and even retrieved the mower and got it put away…but the lawn is still only half done and i don’t feel i should start it back up unless the bees are handled one way or another. there’s a couple of options here:

a. bee rescue – better for the environment, better for the bees, but could cause some pretty extensive house damage given the hive location and so far the “non-profit” i’ve spoken to says they’ll remove it for free, but they expect a $250 donation which they will put on a payment plan if i so choose.

b. super soaker – free, proven to work (the last hive i did this too still sits vacant after over a decade) and while bad for the environment from a bee perspective, still not toxic for anything else except dirty plates.

so i emailed back the “non-profit” to see if i was unable to meet their “donation requirements” if i needed to be taken off their list for removal on monday. i’ll look into a couple others closer to home, but if this is still a thing come sundown on thursday it’s time for some bees to have x’s for eyes and smell like palmolive…