are you a dumb ass? have i got the gig for you!

first off, a message from my attorney…

although parts of this bit make light of mental illness, neither we nor our client thinks mental illness and/or mental retardation is funny. okay, so maybe it’s a little funny, but not in a cruel way…

i had a severely frustrating day the other day due to some ineptitude of tech support folks. i had spoken to a guy about fixing our cameras at one of the shops, who said they could send a tech out (at $150 per hour) or i could go in with my laptop and he could walk me through it over the phone. i went with the latter, only to find out i also needed a monitor (which we didn’t have there) and some other info from at&t about our internet account which i also didn’t have. calling at&t was even more nerve racking as they didn’t want to give me said info because i didn’t know the answer to the secret question or whatever the fuck, but when i threatened to just cancel the service and go with time warner all of a sudden they could play ball.

funny how that works.

but these guys seriously sounded brain dead – did the zombie apocalypse happen and i didn’t know? what other employment could the brain dead get in this economy? i came up with a couple ideas…

wal-mart greeter – seriously, all you have to have is a blue vest and a voicebox…

men’s room attendant – what’s funny to me is there’s no such thing as a “lady’s room attendant” to my knowledge…but i guess if you have the ability to ignore harsh smells, hold towels, and spray cologne all at the same time you have found your calling, mister multi-tasker!

phone tech support – yes, what inspired this bit in the first place…here’s an idea for all you companies out there: put your shit online. all your people are “doing” (in quotes ’cause most of them aren’t doing it right) is reading off your own trouble shooting guides nine times outta ten anyway, and they kinda suck…why not put the same guides online for brighter folk (me, for example) to use and eliminate the manpower AND the expense of paying them to piss me off? just a thought…

body piercer – seriously…it’s just stabbing somebody for money and leaving a piece of jewelry in the wound – what trained monkey couldn’t do that shit? (not really…just fucking with the guy reading over my shoulder)

any position at “the battery store” – seriously…have you seen this place? they sell batteries. nothing but batteries. look, we all know if you need “AA” for your remote all you have at the house is “AAA” and vice versa, but a whole store of nothing but batteries? if ever a store could be self serve…

and last but not least…

blog writer – no bullshit. i realized i hadn’t done the sixer for today (i already knew what i wanted the topic to be) and while helping the occasional customer, cleaning, going through a month’s worth of paperwork for six shops AND answering emails off our facebook i cranked this out in a bit under an hour – how much brain power could this take?