reprogramming your tickle me elmo to be less disturbing?

today is brought to you by the letter “p” for “pederass” and apparently any number under “18”…

…okay, that was too easy.

remember when sesame street was wholesome?

yeah, apparently those days are behind us.

i’m sure tons of places in the blog-o-sphere (which sadly i guess i’m part of even though i started doing this site long before i’d heard the word “blog” or knew what it meant) have dogged on the whole “elmo is a pederass” thing. or, to put blame / credit where it’s due it’s not the rag of red fur with a quy’s hand up its ass who’s to blame, but rather the guy that does the voice. i don’t know how the children’s television workshop works – does the same guy who voices do the manual anal intrusion into the puppet itself? or is there a team at play here?

and now that i type that, which is more fundamentally disturbing? i’m not sure where to take it.

moving on…

…when i was doing research on the “elmo’s voice is a pederass” thing i kept getting “suggested readings” (thanks for pioneering that bullshit, amazon.com!) for articles out these days about a jewish organization that claims to “reprogram” gays to be straight and how they’re being sued by some guys who are upset ’cause they paid their nickel yet still crave the cock.

let me be clear here:

i firmly believe being gay isn’t a choice – it’s just who you are. given the choice i don’t think a guy would CHOOSE to be gay in the age where there are metrosexuals (gay save for the guy craving but still dress, accessorize, and decorate as if they were gay) if he could just “choose” not to be. for all the stigma, bullshit, and discrimination who the fuck would choose it? not to bag on the gays (there’s a joke in there i’m not going after, i’m sure) but why deal with the hassle if you don’t have to? these days you can be a fabulously single STRAIGHT male, no?

i think so. not that i am, but i know it’s a choice that’s out there. as george carlin said (or kevin smith said, seeing as how he wrote the line for carlin), “stop being so suburban – gay, straight, who gives a shit?” or something like that.

but some people DO give a shit. and, as sam kinison said (jesus, how many brilliant dead comedians can i quote in one bit?!?) “if there’s a gay thought in there i want it out!”

and so here we are. and here’s my springeresque final thought on this:

if you’re “gay”, but want to be de-programmed to NOT be gay, you’re NOT gay. simple as that. that’s why i put it in quotes at the

start of the phrase. a gay man knows who he is, and kind of accepts it. or lives in denial, but those guys would never out themselves by asking to be de-programmed, let alone publicly suing the folks when it didn’t work. no, those self-loathing types would simply call the people participating in said situations “faggots” while secretly watching to see if it worked.

so bottom line – if you’re suing people for not deprogramming your gayness and doing so that publicly you were never gay to begin with…or maybe you were, those around you hated it, so you SAID you’d do this to reverse it and now it didn’t work so as a last stand to convince your friends, family, and loved ones that you’re REALLY trying to be straight you’re now publicly suing in an attempt to say, “SEE – i TRIED to be “normal” but it just didn’t work – so give me my money back, bitches!!!”.

hmmm…could go either way here. guess i might need to ponder this one a bit more before i cast my final vote here…