the new twenty, my ass…or perhaps it is?

hopefully some day, before i die, i’ll get a decent night’s sleep…

…but last night wasn’t that night. nor was the night before. or the one before that.

let’s review…

…i set this to post the last possible moment of saturday night for a couple reasons:

1. i wanted it to be as close to the two week of my fortieth birthday as it could be while still being posted on the proper day
2. i wanted time to think whether or not i should run this bit or do some re-run about blowing shit up

(if you can read this we all know how number two on that list went, now don’t we?)

believe it or not, as much as i talk (or write, as the case may be on here) i don’t really get too personal about myself. i do the same in person. i found out long ago that when you talk a LOT (as i’m prone to do) people think they know everything about you – what they never seem to get is i pick and choose what i tell them. all my co-workers, for example, know i live in lockhart…they just don’t know WHERE. most of them envision this town being so small it has maybe four streets and if they wanted to they could just come here, drive around for fifteen minutes, spot my car, and be here.

not so much.

likewise, this site is predominantly done “in character”. by that i mean i come up with all the actions and stuff written here, but i don’t think i’m really “that guy”. back when the site was newer, and a bit more outrageous and offensive, i actually took a reader’s poll of how close the “whore guy” resembled how i really was in real life. most of my guy friends scored it in the ninety-something percentile. most of my female friends were more in the fifties, unless they’d dated me – in which case they scored it more in the thirties.

so, as i started to say earlier, let’s review the first two weeks of my forties:

kicked it off in the wee hours of juneteenth with a champagne toast with the special lady in my life who was moving in with me within a week of said toast. her kid was originally just supposed to be an occasional visitor but had now elected to be a more full-time resident so the next week would be lots of cleaning and organizing and shuffling to me to make room for my new family. all was well. all was happy. we had a great bbq the next day.

that whole next week all other projects got dashed to make way for the new arrivals (i should quickly add said “kid” is a teenager…i just realized all the terminology i’d put in up to this point makes him out to be an infant or something, which ain’t the case). we all hung out a lot. dinners out. date night. movie night. fun times had by all, and a week later (which was a week ago) the other 75% of her stuff (and her) were supposed to be here when i got home from shutting down the shop…

…instead i got home to the 25% that HAD been here being gone and the key i’d had made for her on the dresser.

so, needless to say, there’s now no move in…or relationship…or…well…anything. i’m forty, alone, and kinda bored with getting my heart broken and stomped on again and again. so i think i’m kinda done with relationships of any meaning for a while. a good long while. like maybe till i get reincarnated kinda while. sometimes you have to accept the fact that fate, or God, or whoever or whatever you believe has some kind of grand plan for us (if you believe in such a thing) wants you to be alone…and fighting said force on that fact only angers him (or her, or it) into kicking you as hard as possible to remind you of your place in things.

the only way i see to avoid the repetition of this pain is to never put myself in line for it to happen, i.e. to just give up trying to find that “special someone” and realize that for me, that’s just not in the cards.

i wasn’t sure if i wanted to approach this subject on here, as i don’t usually bare myself like this publically. this site is supposed to be about fun, and humor, and that sort of shit…but while she has family and girlfriends and all to talk her side of things out with, i just have this site. so i decided (or at least have up till now – this is being written about 10:30am on friday july 1st) to put this out there to once and for all vent it out of my system to hopefully allow this wound to finally start to scab a bit, maybe even start to heal. time will tell. but rest assured that time will be spent alone, as per usual because, quite honestly, i just don’t want to be hurt any more and feel the only way to avoid it is to not allow anybody to get that close to you again…if they’re out of arms reach they can’t throw a punch, right? that’s my theory, and i’m sticking to it…

…okay, enough of the pity party – the next entry will be about booze, boobies, and blowing shit up!

for the record this was posted “as written”, and a few hours ahead of schedule – in the damn near decade i’ve done this site i’ve never censored my thoughts, and don’t see some heartbreak as a reason to do so now…after all, emotional pain equates to better art, right? or so i’ve been told…