i’m sure there’s an app for that…

…but is there a card for it?

they have all kinds of hallmark holidays – but what about the occasions in the modern world that there SHOULD be a card for, but they don’t make ’em? it’s inspired by those that i present…

six greeting cards that SHOULD be but ain’t…
1. the boob birthday – this is the one that inspired the bit, so i guess i’ll start with this one. it’s the term (which i learned via this text) for the anniversary of when you got your tits did…learn something new every day.

2. happy herpe-lessness! – i figure if you can have a card for something springing up you WANT to spring up (see number one) you might as well have a card for something NOT springing up you DON’T want to, right?

3. you are now unfriended – i don’t get this at all. if you unfriend somebody on facebook you might as well have shot their dog while raping their mom and punching their kid in the face…all at the same time. it’s seen as THAT big a deal. can’t we get a card going that essentially says enough already with the pics of your kids and inspirational quotes and shit? that THAT’S why i finally unfriended you two years after i added you and then we haven’t spoken since? is it REALLY that big a thing?

4. ex go bye-bye – i know there are break-up cards out there. pretty good ones. but you know what i want to see? a card congratulating somebody on getting rid of that tattoo of their ex’s NAME on their wrist/arm/forehead. where’s can we get that one? we all know relationships aren’t typically forever…tattoos are. whatever were you thinking?

5. it could be worse…it could be 1986! – remember when you got told you were HIV positive and it was a death sentence? not anymore! seen magic johnson lately? the rest of us should PRAY to look that healthy! so, if a friend comes up with the HIV, let him it could be worse…could be the eighties!

6. sorry i thought she was your kid – you know, i’m creeping up on forty and i don’t get the trend of guys my age going after girls that aren’t even old enough to drink. seriously. (see shane comment). this came to mind ’cause i ran into a girl i went to high school with that’s one year my senior and was ALMOST my mother-in-law as she was married (at 18) to the forty-two year old father of the girl i was engaged to. didn’t work out for any of us (thank christ) – but seriously? if you’re significant other is within seven years of your kid, you have issues…plain and simple.