i don’t remember if this was the first internet bit i ever wrote…
…but if not, it was in the top five.
it was a guide, done on kramer’s blog (before this or astrowhore was even a thing) on valentine’s tips. back then i did ten, but as a “signature move” (or unabashed laziness, depending on who you ask) it would only really be nine because one of them (usually number five) was missing for some theme-related reason (i.e. “5 – number five was traded at a pawn shop for a bootleg coach bag for kramer’s mom”). we’ll ditch the three and stick with what we know here, better known as:
sean’s v-day gifts avoid-o-rama
6. don’t get to know the secret – i know lingerie comes to mind today, but unless you know 100% what sizes are you’ll either guess small (and she’ll think you bought it for that waitress at hooter’s you keep mumbling about in your sleep) or guess large in which case you might get cut (or she’ll think you bought it for that waitress at the waffle house you keep mumbling about in your sleep).
5. pick a card…any card…no, not really – i’m not talking about the greeting ones…that should go along with if it’s cute or funny. i’m talking about the gift ones. nothing tells her, “i totally forgot but still wanna get laid” quite like that olive garden gift card you’ve both seen gathering dust in the “oh shit, i gotta get something” section of your local grocery store.
4. fuck the beaver – if you bought it at buccee’s or any other large truck stop style joint (if they have over ten gas pumps or pumps in back for big rigs) just don’t.
3. keep the faith…for another time – anything adorned with crosses or inspirational scripture quotes is a bad idea. just ’cause you want her to be screaming “oh god!” later that night doesn’t mean it needs to be involved in the gift idea.
2. stay north of the line – and in this case, i mean the ankle line…trust me, you don’t wanna try to get shoes. you will fail. badly. not judging you – i would fail too.
1. be atypical – don’t go flowers or what not. it’s predictable, it’s been done, and this is the day you will pay DEARLY for being traditional. a little originality will go a long way in winning her heart (and your wallet’s) favor!