the title for today was tough…
…’not cause i had a hard time putting this down on “paper”.
quite the opposite.
but i never called her “momma” – or “mommy”, to my recollection. she was just “mom”. but a one syllable word didn’t flow as smoothly, so there we are. and twenty years ago she died. she didn’t “pass away” – as the late, great robin williams pointed out, that just sounds like a football term. “it’s like saying mom went long and never came back”, he said. and he’s right. she didn’t pass. she didn’t “go to a better place”. if anything, most would argue the neighborhood the cemetery is in is a WORSE place…although you wouldn’t know it by what they charge by the square foot.
i have some regrets on how i handled all that. i wish i hadn’t gotten so obsessed with making more money to support myself, which i think ultimately lead to my dismissal from the station. i wish i had used my windfall from her death better…but i was young, stupid, mourning, and thinking with my dick – couple that with a greedy red-headed stripper girlfriend and…well…money goes quickly.
but twenty years later i’m in a pretty good place. i could be better financially, but who couldn’t? i hate to say it, but i feel the depression downward spiral of losing mom and my dream job back to back within a six week period lasted from 1996 to 2009. sad, huh? i mean, don’t get me wrong – it’s not like i was constantly in tears or annoying to be around (some of you might argue that last one) but i feel i didn’t really get back to being me until i basically got to hit the reset button with six month of booze-fueled unemployment. sure, i almost lost the house and it shot my credit score in the foot – but therapy ain’t free.
and so here we are – now if i could just get some energy rocking to do house shit again that would be lovely. i don’t think that’s depression…just unabashed laziness…kinda like using the fact i need write bits as an excuse to not get projects going. so, on that note…