dial 1-833-GET-LAID

who knew, in the modern era, this was still a thing?

to use an expression the ufc is fond of, i’m “betwixt and between” about this.

on the one hand, it is taking us a back a step or two. this used to be on late night tv all the time. ironically, that’s where it is now – and on a throwback video show (120 Minutes) where it would have been in the first place. they even have numbers for different geographic locations so you can, as the rap tune from the aughts describes, have hoes in different area codes…

it shows the area of design that the main number is a toll free one. maybe the kind of folks calling these actually DO use landline phones? maybe that’s a requirement to use the surface? it says on the ad in several places to “try now – it’s free!” but the local numbers you see in the second image would have a little fee to em if you’re not in that EXACT area on landline phone. on a mobile? we’ve reached that magical age where there’s no long distance to pay and no minutes to rack up!

(wait – i think? does anybody still even know what ‘minutes’ are?)

but there’s more positives. for one, you KNOW you’re at least talking to the gender you’re trying to reach out to. if you’re just chatting via text or some kind of messenger, anybody can be whoever they want.

i could say i’m an attractive asian girl. ask for a pic? no problem…

but where did that pic REALLY come from?

because it literally took two seconds to find the model in the first one. the trick is to not send something that looks TOO processed but rather like a natural social media pic. the pic above shows she’s asian, attractive, and tattooed, all of which would have come up in the back and forth before a pic. but if the pic looked like this?

ain’t nobody but the most gullible virgin gonna buy that THAT’S who they’re talking to. of course, those are also the ones that empty their wallet out without issue, and since that’s usually the goal, game on! right?

side note – both girl pics are the same girl, a model i follow but don’t actually know on instagram, named kiara moon

while i was committed enough to write a bit on this, i was NOT committed enough to call em and see what’s up. why? because i’m married and shit, that’s why! i almost said “and i’m old enough to be the parent of the person on the other end of the line” but i honestly don’t think that’s the case. if anything, i would figure i might be the target demo. teenagers and twenty-somethings don’t realize the “phone” in “iPhone” means it’s an ACTUAL phone. it’s for tik-tok and snapchat and texting and youtube. half of them probably don’t even know how to dial out anymore, they just know that when it goes off and the top of the screen says “mom” or “dad” (or in os’ case, “sean”) that they’d better fucking answer it. but otherwise, i don’t know if they’d know how to make a call, honestly.

has anyone tried these in the last ten years or so? are there really hot singles waiting out there to meet?