alamo sit tay stuff (a throwback)

okay, so to make up for my lacking writing on monday/tuesday (i got sick…sue me. spank me. lean towards the second if your female, cute, and will allow me to reciprocate) i did FOUR tonight. so for the last sa entry off my sa weekend, a list of ten driving tips for getting around sa…

1. don’t ask the locals for directions. they’re basically just as confused as we are. i learned this on TWO separate occasions in one day, where my way on the highway ACTUALLY worked better, and i was just guessing.

2. don’t get too attached to your exits. they go away in sa. i think sapd has cameras up, and if they notice that an exit works well, traffic flows, and never seems to back up, they doze it and detour you through two school zones and a flyover just to get back to the road you used to glide off on without issue. it’s like their streets are bad-ass clubs. they fear if there’s no line, the road will look passe and unpopular. just a theory…

3. forget your cardinal directions. while two wrongs don’t make a right, somehow taking 35 south to 410 east makes you go northwest. or something like that. the city is basically designed for you to throw up your hands, just say, “fuck it”, and move there.

4. if it’s raining, multiply your commute time by four and add six. in other words, your 20 minute commute will now take 86 minutes. hopefully. add another fourteen minutes if you need your venti mocha latte half decaf with whip in order to NOT be homicidal. not that there’s anything wrong with that. the fact that you people don’t just shoot each other, coffee or NO coffee, amazes me.

5. while all the freeways (sa has approximately 147 of them) connect to each other, there is a term that is used for where they meet. it’s not interchange. it’s not juncture. it’s parking lot. and they don’t fuck around. the highway is actually metered every eight feet, and if you sit there for more that ten minutes without getting out and feeding the meter, you get a parking ticket. how the hell do you think they afforded the alamodome, anyway?

6. when you get to the top of an on ramp, put your car in park and look around. just come to a dead halt.. seems to be the thing to do, from what i’ve seen. thank god the trailblazer had four wheel disc brakes.

7. traffic reports on sa radio stations are long enough to have commercial breaks of their own. that should alert you to what you’re getting into here.

8.. via. it stands for “very ignorant asshole”; or at least that’s what you’ll feel like when you get stuck behind one of these frequently stopping monstrosities on some side street (it’s their bus system, in case you don’t know). and ain’t a damn soul gonna have pity on you and let you cut over into their lane ’cause you did it to yourself. here’s my question; why is it when i wanna get in front of one, they’ll do 68 in a school zone to not let me in, but if i’m BEHIND one they won’t make it over 20 mph? conspiracy theories anyone?

9. there is more highway construction in the greater san antonio area than in the combined states of nevada, wyoming, utah, illinois, and south carolina. here’s a thought…finish ONE stretch of road, THEN move on to the next one. ah, mamma logic…where are you when we need you?

10. three simple concepts, and you might just survive…labeling streets is for pussies, labeling off ramps is for even BIGGER pussies, and the merge lane is a direct attempt to squash your personal freedom to call a lane your own and all trying to merge should be viewed accordingly…as people infringing on YOUR patriotic rights. keep these in mind, and you might just make it to fiesta texas in one piece.

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Hey one good thing did come out of all of that driving Sean… I learned my right from my left (at least temporarily)