why i don’t really make new friends

so, i was at the gym yesterday when it hit me…

…and by “it”, i mean a b.o. funk on a level i haven’t smelled since the 1990’s. it was almost blinding. disorienting. like the kind of musky smell animals put out to either attract mates or repel predators. it was so strong it was almost omnidirectional, so it was hard to figure out exactly where the fuck it was coming from.

but when i did, it was the overly tan pony-tailed guy next to me with shorts that were, apparently unbeknownst to him, clearly not made for a dude. a conversation had to happen.

dude, is that you?
what?
that smell – did you skip the speed stick or something this morning?
i don’t wear that shit – it’s bad for you
this smell isn’t any better! jeebus – you know you’re speaking of studies, that have since been debunked, about aluminum in the antiperspirant part, but you could still put on something! they make deodorant without it, kinda like they also make shorts for men…

(sue me – i had to throw those in)

i won’t use it (no mention of the shorts) – it gives you alzheimer’s.
hey, if it’ll help me forget smelling your funk i’ll go EAT a fucking bar of it right now!

he walked off in a huff. i guess i didn’t make a new stinky slightly cross dressing friend…and that’s okay.

(side note – leslie, the infamous “homeless” guy who would rock a thong on congress smelled better and had better hair – IJS)